Today I am grateful for road trips.  My sister found information on a really cool book store we had never heard of and we decided to go look at it.  The store is 3 hours from where we live so we made plans to make a day of it.  The entire trip down and up was filled with laughter and stories and confessions and truth, and unpacking layers of things we’ve been experiencing together as we step up into the next role as leads of our entire family.  Unpacking the layers of what happened in the course of our lives, and getting different perspective on the conclusions we had come to years ago, seeing it a bit differently now.  The simple joy of talking and actually being heard, of seeing how similar we still are, understanding how much our brains function in the same illogical, magical, creative way.  Then there was the store.  Now truth be told there was no way to know what we were going to walk into (there never really is) so I had no expectations, I just wanted a day with my sister, I wanted to feel presence with someone for the first time in a long time.  We arrived at the store and it was sensory overload at first—the decorations, the aisles and piles of books stretched everywhere, the smells, the cat crying as we walked around.  Then the visceral experience of touching history and the nostalgia of the things we had when we were kids, the emotion tied to it from our experience and the residual emotion of previous owners—we felt like treasure hunters and had a blast exploring this massive supply of books and having time to discover the gems on the shelves.  But the real magic is that sometimes you find the treasure of what you’re looking for in the shelves, but we always know the real treasure is understanding the connection and the depth of what you actually have sitting right next to you. There is nothing like that connection.

Today I am grateful for relationships.  Every relationship is different.  I tend to get caught up in expecting things to be a certain way because I have trauma around connection and I also have a million things I’m trying to balance so I try to keep my life easy by planning out what needs to get done.  Lately there have been some shifts in relationships in my life.  The way I used to ask for permission at work no longer fits what I’m trying to do—I have to go for my goals.  Things I used to do with certain people are no longer fun, no longer interesting to me—I don’t want to waste time doing things I no longer love.  I don’t want to pass judgement because these people are still important in my life, but the things we used to do and how we used to spend our time don’t bring joy to me like they used to, they don’t make me feel connection like I used to.  It doesn’t mean I want these people out of my life, but it does mean that the nature of who we are together is changing. It also means I have different priorities now.  Relationships need to grow and evolve as we grow and evolve otherwise they become chains—the comfort, the repetition, the nuances all start to hold us back rather than propel us forward.  I am super grateful for the people in my life because we all support each other in some way—but I am also grateful to realize what is now a hindrance rather than actual support.  I am grateful to decide what needs to be done in my own life rather than wait for them to tell me what to do.  Many of them got used to the latter behavior and now have an issue when I do the former.  And now I really don’t care if that bothers people.  I can be grateful and still realize when enough is enough and it’s time to move on, when things have outgrown their purpose, their welcome.  The heart knows when it is no longer welcome either.  Best to not let it suffer under either circumstance—it needs freedom.

Today I am grateful for better understanding of my boundaries.  This part is a bit tricky because it goes back to my relationship with my husband, which, while rocky at many points, has been relatively smooth lately.  I have a new appreciation for him on some levels and increased frustration on others.  I’m fully understanding that there are absolutely things we have outgrown together, and there are things I’ve outgrown that still root him to the spot.  While my sister and I were on the little road trip—keeping in mind I haven’t been out with anyone besides my husband and son in over a year—I had been somewhat hopeful that he might take care of a few things that needed attention in our home and I told him that prior to leaving.  When I got home I found he had been with the neighbors all day.  I’d been gone for nearly 12 hours and he’d been working on something with them which I found out after the fact was going to cost him money.  He was gone so long that he wasn’t feeding the animals until I got home and the dog had relieved herself in the house.  Truthfully I was furious.  He was drunk, my house was a mess, and he’s out with the neighbors and done nothing for our house.  I calmly explained to him I wish he would give our own home the same attention he gave the neighbor’s and their projects.  My heart ached as I realized how low a priority his own family is at times.  Dealing with my Aunt’s house, he balked and got irritated at having to help for one day for less than 5 hours but the neighbors get together and he can do whatever they want for 15 hours—he didn’t get home until after 11pm—and then expect sympathy for his aches/pains.  Relationships are give and take and I’m tired of having to beg for what he so easily gives to everyone else.  I’m tired of accepting lower and lower standards and making more allowances.  I am grateful to accept what I actually need and not feel ashamed for it and for knowing these are things I shouldn’t have to ask for. 

Today I am grateful for advancing. While it feels like some parts of my life are on hold, some are on repeat, some are stuck, there are most certainly parts that are moving forward with leaps and bounds.  I have a creative project that was accepted and now has become a priority for me.  I have made advances at my 9-5 in that I’ve been waiting on for nearly a year—one I’ve been waiting on for nearly 6 years.  I spent much of my life feeling like a failure because things weren’t coming to fruition, or things kept stopping and starting—and there are times I still feel that way because I’m still waiting for certain things.  But it doesn’t take away from the advances happening now.  These are opportunities that could be missed wallowing in the questions of why didn’t it happen sooner—so honor them now.  It still feels good to experience the joy of success now, and the more minor success is celebrated, the more we open the doors for the big success.  We never know with 100% certainty when things will come together—it’s like watching the flowers bloom.  They don’t open until they are ready, and when they are ready, they show the most beautiful display.  It doesn’t matter they didn’t open yesterday, they are beautiful now.  The timing of it doesn’t detract from their beauty any more than it should detract from the beauty of our blooms.  Progress feels good, and it happens when it is meant to.

Today I am grateful for hope.  I struggle with hope because it so often felt like chasing the carrot.  It’s like a drug.  When things show a glimmer of possibility, it’s easy to get sucked in and make the image of the future huge, or make our lives contingent on one result because we have hope that the one moment will unlock the rest like some magic key to the floodgates of happiness and joy—so we keep finding ways to hope things will change, that things will get better, that what we want will appear.  But when we find real connection, when we find means to have fun again, when we find the courage to firmly declare what we want, and when we finally see the results of what we’ve been working for, it is in those moments that hope shines brightest.  It’s when hope is the most important because hope, in those cases, is the guiding light we need.  Some say hope is most important when things are darkest because we need that glimmer of light—and it is.  But hope is more important in those moments when we are in the middle of the journey and we can’t quite see the results of the work and we are seconds away from giving up and then suddenly we see a pin hole of light that says, “YES! This way, it’s right here!”.  Hope isn’t the magic key, it’s the key to the next step.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.