Today I am grateful for creative surges.  In the middle of hurt and pain and sorrow, a certain type of pressure reveals itself and suddenly ideas emerge.  It’s not unheard of: JK Rowling when she was on food stamps, actors on the brink of losing their apartments or living out of their cars, the people who literally are on their last shot before they have to give up.  It’s often in the final fringes of holding things together in an effort to get to the next step that we find a way to MacGyver our lives together.  A way we hadn’t seen before pops up and we find a way to snap it all together.  The pain of our losses over the last few weeks, specifically this last (not even full) week, have brought out a different feeling.  I know some of it was fight or flight in the beginning, trying to avoid dealing with the new reality.  But, at the same time, some of it was the new reality breaking through and making the next steps clear.  Some pain, some stressors, some sorrow, strips away all BS instantly and we know what to do.  The universe gives us these ideas, not from compulsion, but from necessity.  There are no questions, just steps.  “When trials come the things that are important become really clear,” Alisha Reynolds.

Today I am grateful for support.  I am not the type of person who asks for help easily or frequently—trauma response from trying to prove I can handle anything my older siblings can.  To prove that I wasn’t taking advantage of anything, that I was meant to be here too.  While it has made me capable of dealing with many things, it has also made me unaware of certain things I CAN’T handle on my own.  As much as I struggle with where I am at right now in my personal and professional life, I will not deny that people have stepped forward to help me, that I am aware people are there.  I know they don’t all fully understand what I’m going through but they are there and that is saying something.     

Today I am grateful for acceptance.  While I don’t accept what has happened over the last week (mainly because it’s still a lot to wrap my head around), I am accepting that this is different—this is the after.  I am also accepting that what we did before isn’t working and that I’ve spent too much time trying to make it work.  There is a certain amount of pain in letting a dream go, but a certain amount of relief in letting go of the stubbornness in holding onto it.  Sometimes when things aren’t working we have to admit it and move on.  That’s the easiest thing to do.  Doesn’t mean it IS easy, but it makes the understanding of the situation is easier.  When we understand what’s working and what isn’t , it’s easier to accept what needs to be done next.  And if we don’t know what to do then that is the time to do nothing until the steps become clear.  Sometimes we have to accept that all we have to do is work on understanding—there isn’t anything to do, just transition. 

Today I am grateful for taking care of my family.  As a group we’ve been to the edge a lot lately, we’ve been in the in-between a lot lately.  And in both extremes there is no balance.  While we have no say in what happens in our external world, the external is a reflection of what is going on in the inside.  Things like loss are often out of our control so when we are at that edge of the spectrum all we can do is control our processing.  When the rest of the environment around us starts to fall apart then we need to bring it back to what’s important.  Taking care of the family, meeting our day to day needs.  Sometimes sickness comes out of nowhere and we can’t do anything to stop it, loss happens out of nowhere and the pain infiltrates the entire group.  In this moment all I can do is be here.  Can’t change any of it, but I can be here and make sure that we are together, that we love together, that we process together.  We don’t know what it looks like coming up, but we have each other.  I am grateful that I can still take care of my family. 

Today I am grateful for priority.  I know the first thing I want to focus on now.  I do not take for granted that I have been gifted with multiple talents and dreams and vision and even the capability to execute and see them through.  I’ve been reminded that even if we can do it all, we can’t do it all at once.  Sometimes we have to let something slide so we can focus on what matters.  Even if it all matters, we can’t be present for it all at one time.  We can each only do so much, we are human and, as much as I would love to be everywhere at once, we can only be in one spot at a time.  I’ve found myself wanting to turn back time more than ever and feeling particularly weak for not knowing what else to do.  So all I can do is be present and drop all the extraneous crap that I’ve put on myself and start working on one thing at a time, the thing that speaks to me the most.  The thing that provides the most relief, the most joy, the biggest bang for the effort.  It’s not about numbing, it’s about active participation and decisiveness.  We can’t change what happened but we can decide what comes next. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.