So as the universe would have it, there are signs of encouragement as I wake up this morning.  Signs of inspiration and ideas.  I am still rife with grief but I have this surge of understanding about what I really want—not where I found the same clarity before and would still do a million other things, this is laser focused and directing me toward what feels right.  I literally left work yesterday because I couldn’t tolerate being there, the behavior.  It may have been a fight or flight response as well, but it was decisive and clear—I needed to not deal with that bullshit.  I came home and continued working from there.  And I am not a huge fan of my job so for me to choose to continue working says something.  There is an immense amount of clarity right now, unlike anything there was before.  I do my spiritual work in the morning and sometimes I get this writing in and as it happens today there was a lot of encouragement in the vein of you have no idea what’s happening right now or what the confusion means but it is all happening for a reason.  It’s time to trust God’s plan, it’s time to let go of time and the idea of what I thought would happen and it’s time to no longer play small.  Find inspiration and joy—let go of time and allow the things that really fill me up to guide me toward what I am meant to do.  Allow.  Surrender. 

As I began my normal routine, I came across a reminder about the Eagle making the decision part way through it’s life to either give up hunting or go into isolation for a while and sharpen its beak and talons.  Right now I feel like I am so dull, I am all over the place, and I still have this lack of clarity.  Until I decided to walk away from work.  In that moment I understood that it isn’t selfish, this is following my path.  I no longer want to participate in the games that people play and I no longer want to be responsible for what people say and do and managing their emotions and interpretations—I have bigger goals to guide.  It’s felt empty walking in there for a long time and now that I have this emptiness at home as well, I no longer want to do this without purpose. Life is too short.  I’ve used my time to control and when it comes to loss and disease we fully understand that there is nothing outside of ourselves that we can control.  It’s about finding personal power.

As that would happen, there was a post about personal power and power sharing that came up and the content creator said something along the lines of being obsessed with learning about power.  And I understood that there is power in direct, clear focus.  I’ve said that a million times yet I allow myself to be distracted constantly.  But grief does something and that is create a laser focus, often directly to the heart.  And once we get in touch with the heart, it signals the brain on what’s important.  The mind will run rampant if we let it, I would like to focus that energy toward something productive and toward something that feels right.  That’s what I’ve been encouraging all these years but I’ve still held the childlike illusion that I could do it all.  And here’s the reality to that statement: We can do it all but we can’t do it all at once.  And the things we aren’t meant to do, the things that aren’t meant for us will never come to fruition.  That’s where it is immensely important to know ourselves so we can find what we are meant to do.  So the relationship with time and grief is a funny thing.  The very things we don’t want to lose can (at times) inspire what we really need to do.  That focus to the heart opens a doorway to what we are meant to do.

Life isn’t easy—it was never meant to be easy.  But it IS meant to flow.  And when we accept that flow it will naturally become easy.  We all have hardships, we all have pain, we all have moments when we don’t know if we can go on.  I don’t want this moment to be in vain.  This pain can be alchemized into something else, and while my heart is ripped open with this loss, I know I am able to turn it into something purposeful.  We are being guided to what is meant for us.  That conversation about picking up and leaving, while impulsive, actually did raise some good points.  The fights we’ve been having over the last several months have raised similar points—they’re all revolving around the idea of discovering what we really want and starting to build our life that way.  We know what we have is good and we are grateful for it, but we have to accept the reality of whether or not this is for us, does this match what we want our lives to look like? And in those moments we have no control and our only option is to stay with the pain, that vision becomes clear.  We may never get the answers we are looking for and things may not come as we envision them, but if we can find trust in that flow, we can find peace and clarity.