Today I am grateful for options.  Right now the options in front of me aren’t the greatest, but I have them, and that is a privilege I don’t take for granted.  Sometimes we don’t realize that just having the opportunity to decide is a gift some aren’t afforded.  That is never lost on me.  I felt a lot of anger over the last several months as I felt opportunities closing off and those windows dwindling down, feeling like time was slipping away.  And the thing is time does slip away, it moves no matter what we do.  No matter how many nails we put through that slime it will not stay pinned to the wall.  So this is a lesson in presence.  The only way to figure out what to do next is to stop all the bullshit, stop projecting, stop ruminating, stop trying to remember and simply try to feel.  We discount our feelings too often and I know I’ve been guilty of letting my feelings run the show—there was no in between.  How can we trust ourselves if we don’t even trust what our bodies are telling us?  I no longer want to ignore what my body says.  And I’m in the thick of it, but I’m not dead so the best option is to keep going.    

Today I am grateful for miracles.  This past week I’ve been dealing with two different medical scenarios in those whom I love more than anything.  The prospect of loss has hung thick in the air, and while I have a particular aversion to loss because of childhood trauma, I have NOT handled this well at all.  Full transparency I am almost embarrassed to share how emotionally wrecked and unstable I allowed myself to be.  It made me realize my level of codependence on people for strength.  But I’ve seen things happen this week that remind me that sometimes when we least expect it things come through just as easily as they fall apart.  Within a period of 24 hours my heart soared and dropped and then became angry and confused.  And all of it is futile, nothing changed the fact that something needed to be addressed, but I witnessed humans at their worst and at their greatest.  It showed me that there are some people willing to do what it takes while others simply aren’t and who we choose to listen to makes all the difference.   

Today I am grateful for following my gut.  With one of the scenarios I’m talking about above, I received particularly confusing information.  Quite literally opposite information from the same practice.  It broke my heart to hear how one person would handle it versus another and in that moment I forgot what options I may have had.  I forgot that I had a voice and the ability to question it.  As I sat in the pain of what I had been told I started to get angry and I started to really question what I had just been told.  What evidence did this doctor have of this particular illness if there was nothing indicated in the bloodwork or cytology?  I started calling around and I found another option.  The entire situation isn’t ideal, but remembering what the fuck I know and going with that proved to open a different door.  It’s a Hail Mary but it’s there.  Sometimes it just takes a reminder to flip the switch of who we are.    

Today I am grateful for love no matter what it feels like.  I know they say love isn’t supposed to hurt but I know that isn’t always true.  When dealing with the thought of someone we love leaving us, especially as they transition to whatever comes next, there is no doubt pain.  Witnessing the loss of those we love causes pain.  And we wouldn’t feel that if we didn’t truly care.  So when dealing with this type of inevitability, especially in those closest to us, it can hurt.  We are blessed with the ability to connect with others and there are things that come with that.  I would rather feel that connection and that care than feel nothing.  I want to be clear I would never seek out that type of pain, no one would, but if that pain is what comes occasionally after years of memories and love, then I will take that any day. 

Today I am grateful for further perspective.  The mind is amazing at how it processes this world—it will convince us of nearly anything.  People can be present for the exact same event and walk away with different experiences.  We remember different things and we feel different things, triggered by our unique histories and patterns.  I always thought this life was simple and straightforward and pretty clear cut—the facts are facts and what happened is what happened.  So I thought my mind had some kind of destination on it, like there was no way I could be as layered and complex because I could compartmentalize what happened.  It took me years, DECADES, to realize the depth of the crap that impacted me and exactly HOW it impacted me.  It hit me that I am a 40 year old woman still asking for permission and treating rank/title as sovereign.  Here I thought I finally had control over my life and at least a good hold on emotional management and then I had to look at my habits and those habits indicated that I was still hiding some things, still behaving in ways that I would have over 20 years ago.  And the thing is I have absolutely dug into the depths and come up with entirely new perspectives, but here I am at this last crest, and I can’t get over it because of this last leap.  The leap of letting go of other people’s judgments and opinion and wanting to be liked rather than fully expressing myself.  To let go of that need for praise and accolades rather than tackle the task itself, thinking I had exhausted my energy.  The truth is it was exhausting because that was all a show.  Wearing that mask every day, doing work that didn’t speak to my heart, fearing I wouldn’t get what I really wanted so, in many ways, manipulating others around me to allow me to do what I wanted to do rather than just taking accountability and planning for it.  I completely appreciate that this comes across as a poor-me scenario, but it isn’t that.  I also appreciate that people may think how many breakthroughs can one person have?  But that is me tailoring my words to make other people happy.  This is MY truth and I’ve learned that we can have as many breakdowns to breakthroughs as we need until we understand the lesson.  I’ve taken this leap before and I’ve walked away with some deep scars, and I’ve fallen pretty far down this mountain.  So as I near the top again, and know that I have to let go, I feel the fear and the old patterns sneak in before I can stop them.  I feel like a child because of how people treat me and it’s because I allow that.  If I want to be a force, I need to be a force, and that isn’t about control-it’s about controlling my own life, my own decisions, and literally not giving a fuck what others say.  It’s that final transition from old habits carried from childhood into accepting adulthood.  No more acting, no more planning how people will receive me—just being me.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.