We can’t keep the mask on or the shield up or the pretense longer than we are able to carry it.  Regardless of how long that is, the shield will always eventually drop.  The body knows, it feels the vibration regardless of what is portrayed on the outside.  The body, the mind, the heart, the soul, the entire universe knows what sound is emanating from the heart.  So perhaps it isn’t the fact that we can’t carry the shield any longer, it’s more that we can’t contain the rhythm of our own heart—a sound and a vibration that was never meant to be contained anyway.  The vibration and feeling can change, but it can only hide the truth for so long and when it shows itself, no matter how hard we try to go back, we are never able to put it back.  The real feelings always show through.

We had a family day planned and it was a gorgeous day.  Granted it was hot for what we wanted to do, it was still beautiful.  We tried to fit it all in and sometimes when you try to fit in those last little things on the cracked foundation, it finally gives.  We went out with friends and I could see through the fraying weight of trying to be content where we were at, trying to have fun, trying to pretend he was enjoying himself.  We didn’t have to go, I offered several outs and it was still decided to go.  So when things started to go downhill (as is partially natural with young kids in hot weather), I saw the edges of truth peeking through.  I read through the frustration and understood this was not what he wanted to be doing.   Perhaps we were not the people he wanted to be with. 

While I struggle to not take it personally, I know there is something deeper going on.  There is a longing for truth in himself and it’s hard to decide what that is when you’ve been one way for so long.  But I know the feeling of holding in the truth of how we feel for the sake of those around us and the complete frustration at feeling bottled, caged with how we really feel, and when we reach that point where the mask is no longer working and the real feelings are oozing out of the edges, it’s time to stop.  It’s time to put down the mask and get honest.  When we get to that point we can’t go on.  It’s time to let it go and put down what no longer serves.  It’s painful, but it’s necessary.  And the truth is it feels all the better when we finally put down the shieled and release what we were holding inside.  They say the truth shall set you free and that had nothing to do with jailed persons confessing—it has to do with confessing the truth of the heart and living to the fullest, most authentic version of ourselves.  It’s only then when life begins.  It may take three, four, five, six times before we get it, but when we let it out, there is no greater feeling than letting those wings spread and taking flight.