Today I am grateful for not being grateful.  This is not my usual path, and truthfully not something I am going to continue to explore but I know what I am feeling in this moment and it’s something that needs to be shared.  The last 6 weeks, without question, have been some of the most difficult of my life.  On the outside, anyone could easily say that it isn’t that bad, that it’s all ok, that we all go through things like this.  Perhaps I really am emotionally weak and my threshold for pain/sadness is lower than others.  Regardless, I know the weight I’ve been carrying has simply been too much.  Normally I choose to be grateful no matter what—even if it takes me a minute I find my way back to being grateful.  But I’ve had moments over the last few weeks where I’m looking at the patterns in my life, the things I attract, the doors that have been closed, and I am overwhelmed.  The universe tests us by doing nothing at all or having it all happen at once—and right now it is all happening at once.  Dealing with relationship, financial, career, family, health, future planning, life in general.  While I am not unique in dealing with any of this, I have to admit that there are some things we can’t simply push through and pretend are ok.  Sometimes they truly just aren’t ok—and we don’t need to be grateful for that.  We need to understand it and in this moment I understand that there are things I need to do for myself and that we have different decisions to make to move forward.  For that I am grateful.  But I know many of the plates are about to fall down and there isn’t a thing I can do to stop it.  Sometimes, regardless of how we feel or what makes sense, or how hard we try, things simply need to fall.

Today I am grateful for clarity.  I need to work on boundaries and I’ve been scared to do that because I didn’t want to end up alone.  I wanted people to like me so it was easier to shove down what I wanted and my real thoughts than it was to express myself.  I’m grateful for the clarity that there were additional ways I was people pleasing and it’s time to stop it. When we spend our time pleasing others to our own neglect, we end up hurting ourselves and others.  We hurt ourselves because we aren’t expressing our truth and we hurt others because we aren’t able to show up for them fully.  When we are with people and feel that something isn’t right, then we need to acknowledge that rather than try to make ourselves fit the mold.  As I said above, sometimes there are things that simply need to break and no matter how careful we are with them, they will break.  So the clarity I am grateful for isn’t just about the boundaries, it’s about being ok with who we are and showing up as we are.  It’s ok to let those who only want us around because we say yes go.  It’s ok to be the one who walks away.  It’s ok to be clear on our worth and allow the things that need to break away to be mourned, but appreciated for revealing the truth of what’s underneath.

Today I am grateful for the bumps.  Given the course of the last few weeks, and the fact that I’ve learned to be ok with not being grateful for everything, I find myself surprised to say this.  I mentioned the other day that life feels like a cheese grater right now.  Things that are meant to happen flow, things that are meant to come into our lives enter with ease.  And these last few weeks have been a test of resolve in a way that I’ve never experienced.  But I’m grateful for some of these bumps because it’s helping me see what I don’t want.  It’s helping me be ok with shedding and allowing what I don’t need to fall away.  It’s helping me see what I need in my life, and while that isn’t the same as clarity on what I DO want and bringing it in, it’s at least a step toward defining that vision.  It’s helping me be comfortable with allowing things I held onto so tight before, the things I thought I couldn’t live without, go.  It’s terrifying letting go of what used to define us.  At least it is for me.  But I know with 100% certainty that I am not able to control the outcome of these things, and doing so is like trying to hold onto smoke.  Some things we just have to let go because it hurts more to try and keep it than it does to release. 

Today I am grateful for the push.  So the issues I’m facing are no closer to being resolved and on some level I am ok with that.  This isn’t a pity party, this isn’t me crying “Woe is me,”.  Again, I am very well aware that what’s happening is well within the scope of human experience and I am not the first, nor will I be the last to feel this way.  But I do see that this is giving me a push.  As unclear as the direction is, the idea that I am no table to stay where I’m it is 100% clear.  I don’t know what the answer is, but I do know that this is pushing toward something else.  I have to trust it as much as I DON’T trust it.  So, I talk a lot about this leap and that isn’t the issue.  The issue is letting go of what I know in favor of the void.  It’s not like, “Oh, I’m jumping in and going to take my chance,” it’s, “I can’t even see the pool and I have no clue if there’s even water down there.”  But we have no choice but to leap or stay.  It’s a choice we make.

Today I am grateful for the pause.  I understand with the utmost clarity that I have been pushing too hard in nearly every aspect of my life.  I’ve always been afraid that if I don’t push then nothing will happen.  If I don’t work incessantly that I won’t get what I want.  It’s always been a game of proving, something deeply rooted in me since I was a child.  There was no such thing as inherent worth—and while it wasn’t so cutting as to SAY you weren’t worthy, it was always pointed out that someone was doing it better.  There was always the question of, “You think you can do that?  I could never do that,” or even the outright, “You think you’re enough for him?”.  All of those questions, fears I already wrestled with myself, were the realization of those things I already felt inside.  So I picked up and did all I could, did it for people, did it better than most, hid the praise, felt shame over what I accomplished, and proceeded to do more and more so I would be justified in what I got.  But the message the universe received was that I wasn’t good enough and I would always have to work harder than anyone, that I needed more approval from everyone in order to be worthy.  And it drowned me.  The problem with doing more is that there is always more to do.  So now I pause, and I practice allowing the thoughts to come to me so I can recognize what is for me.

Today I am grateful for the rain.  It’s pouring as I type this, and as I think about the pause, I realize that the weather is indicative of what I’m feeling.  Right now it’s a time for nourishing and growth, to sit inside and heal, to cleanse, to release.  I have choices to make, and I am blessed to have the ability to make those choices, to have the options I do.  It’s time to stop choosing them all, and rest assured that I don’t have to do it all to be worthy of what I want.  I can recharge, and restore, and enjoy more. I can have fun.  So I am grateful for this little reminder to find peace inside, and it’s ok to retreat for the moment.  But tomorrow we stand and face the sun again—and if it’s still dark, we create our own light.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.