Today I am grateful for turning the mirror to myself.  It has been a hellish week as far as my relationship goes and I literally couldn’t pin it down.  The fights and the responses felt entirely different than before, and I felt completely off center with what to do, waiting in this limbo for an answer.  And I felt something happen, a realization.  We all have a part to play.  A few years ago I wrote about my role in our problems with the understanding that I had a part in where we are at too.  I understood it but I don’t think I fully incorporated it.  I still acted from ego and defensively.  All this time I thought I was getting what I was owed, not realizing how much our behavior was pushing the other away.  I can’t say I was the start of it but the truth is even that doesn’t matter.  I drew a card the other day about the difficult relationships being a mirror for us to look at our own behavior.  I knew I wasn’t perfect but I guess I didn’t want to acknowledge how what I was doing impacted us—and may have had the greater impact in the long run.  All for the sake of attention, control, and a nasty defense mechanism, I completely ignored the actual work of self-improvement, constantly trying to be this or that or do this or that instead of just fucking being.  I am so sorry. 

Today I am grateful for second chances.  While I don’t know if those chances can apply to all of my relationships (and I hope they do), I know I at least have a second chance with myself.  My intention was never to blow up my life to learn these lessons and I am so fucking sorry for all the collateral damage my ego caused, the stress I put people under, the over-sensitivity.  But if I can start over now, I can at least be grateful for the fact that I can start over.  I never wanted to be a selfish asshole, I just wanted to protect myself.  I can stop trying and just be.  I’ve always known that life isn’t perfect, I’ve witnessed the imperfections of life since I was four.  My background, while it wasn’t unfortunate by any means, allowed for needing attention and searching for my place at a desperate level.  I carried that with me for so much longer than I should have and I rested in every hurt and injustice and slight and jab and I let it turn me into a monster.  I don’t want to be that, and the beauty of this, no matter how it turns out, is that it is a chance to try again.  I don’t get to decide how this looks now, but I know it’s a new start.  I am no victim, I was part of everything that happened.  Now I find the middle ground and start again.     

Today I am grateful for light.  No matter how things feel we always have the light.  For a while there I literally was angry at myself for ever having hope.  I see it was a drama and trauma pattern—it’s easy to be the victim if “everything” is always going wrong and if “nothing” ever turns out how it’s supposed to.  As if life is supposed to be any other way than what it is.  Feeling like everything I’ve gone for, everything I’ve tried to achieve has been a giant stop sign, and that I’ve been a fool to keep chasing the carrot on something that didn’t exist.  But even in that darkest place, I have to realize that there is still a spark.  It felt like it was gone, completely blocked out, but there is a bit of light left.  That tiniest bit of hope.  The difference is this time, instead of putting it under glass and hoping it ignites, I have to let it breathe and be open and hope that it bursts into life again. 

Today I am grateful for the memories.  Life throws us some curve balls and I spent a lot of time hating them.  Hating the fact that I couldn’t control what happened next, feeling like I got knocked in the head by the pitch more often than I hit it—and my hits didn’t go too far.  Taking away the drama of it and looking at the past objectively, that latter part is pretty accurate.  I got tired of trying in the big game because it was exhausting thinking I could compete, that I could get what I wanted, and never getting there.  I settled.  But in all this bullshit, somewhere between the history I created and the truth of it, I see that there were some beautiful moments.  Times that weren’t bullshit.  That there is something that may have been real, good, lovely.  We sat around the fire last night listening to our wedding songs (nostalgic and melodramatic in a way no one realized because they don’t know what’s happening in this house) and my heart immediately welled up thinking of my wedding.  The song we chose discussing the vulnerability of showing ourselves fully to each other and knowing we had each other’s back, that we loved all of who we were, that love was enough to show us to ourselves.  I don’t want to think that memory was bullshit.  I hope it meant the same to him.  But the truth is, even if he didn’t feel the same in that moment, I’m going to keep that one for myself.     

Today I am grateful for surrender.  This is one of the most terrifying places I’ve been in my life.  I find myself shaking every day, my heart pounding incessantly—no drama on this one, it’s real.  The entirety of my future is about to change and I know this is no longer something I can adjust the sails on to bring back to the course I know.  This is deeper waters than I’m used to.  I’m terrified as I said.  But the positive of this is, perhaps for the first time in over 20 years, this isn’t about me, and it’s demonstrating where I need to change.  The spots I’ve avoided in my life until now need to be addressed fully and head on.  Address the pain head on.  Because again, no drama, this one hurts deeper than I’ve ever experienced before.  It’s like trying to hold onto smoke—you can’t do it but you have to try because there is something there that needs to be contained.  All you can do is let it go otherwise you drive yourself absolutely insane.  Let the final grains fall through the hourglass and wait.  Let it go.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.