Today I am grateful for time together with those who matter.  My father is currently experiencing a major health issue and it has been emotionally draining waiting to make sense of the answers.  We have all the results but we haven’t had many people tell us what they mean and what next steps are.  Some seem to treat it quite lackadaisically frankly and it has put a strain on all of us, my siblings, my mother, my father.  But what it has also done is brought us together to work on solving a common problem.  I literally watched my father’s blood pressure drop when we were all together.  Rallying around someone during their time of need is so important and it is so good for their mental health and their overall improvement.  Attacking any problem is the same.  Go for the problem, not for the person.  We haven’t been this unified in our efforts probably ever.  But now we come together to collectively find a solution and heal together, and to heal my father physically.  It’s been a beautiful experience and, as scary as it has been, as tumultuous as the road ahead may still be, I feel comforted knowing that we are all doing this together.  That we are all in this together.  That we are all capable of addressing this as a team.  I’m grateful for the reminder that we are still family in spite of our differences and how far apart we are, how much we try to do it all on our own.  I am grateful to have this time to remember what we love about one another.

Today I am grateful for understanding what lies in my hands.  I’ve allowed myself to be confused for a long time.  I started and stopped a million things, I started too many things at the same time, I gave up with the most insignificant of setbacks, I let my awkwardness and insecurities get in the way of my own advancement.  I let all of those things stop me from making a decision about what to do and, even if I managed to get that far, I let it stop me from following through on it.  I see very clearly now that doing all the things at once isn’t going to work for me any longer.  I enjoy the work I do and the end result of all those goals is toward the same thing—but the problem is I’m allowing myself to get close and then let it stop.  I have too many pots boiling at once and some things are undercooked, some are too gummy, some haven’t been hot enough, and some boiled out and dried up.  So what lies in my hands is the entirety of my goals.  All the things I intend on doing and want to do don’t rely on more movement and effort.  They rely on me making focused effort and completing the damn thing.  No one said I couldn’t achieve all of those goals—I just can’t live all of them at the same time.  My days, yet again, need to look a little different than they normally do.  It’s about the focus. 

Today I am grateful for some changes in perspective.  There are certain things about my relationships with people that have always been a sticking point, a particular pattern I followed that I understand I need to break now.  All of my relationships started off with the idea that I constantly please people in order to bring them into my life.  Make them like me at all costs.  Then I would become that yes-person and do whatever they said—and it would be fun for a while.  They would reciprocate a little and help me manage some of my things.  Then that would start to dwindle and I’d start to get aggravated and feel a little pushed.  Then I would feel a lot pushed and then steamrolled.  I’d end up blowing up at the person or just not talking to them again.  Now I understand that this is MY pattern and I need to stop it.  I used to be so afraid of being alone, doing what ever anyone wanted of me so I could have them in my life, that I never took the time to find me.  I’d adapt to the next person and the next person.  Now I see that 1. Being alone isn’t the worst thing if people really don’t respect me and 2. Taking the time to find myself will help me find the people who accept me for who I am, not what I give them.  I don’t need to harbor anger toward people when I sent mixed messages in the first place.  Follow through and be who I am meant to be and let those who can’t accept that fall away.  It’s ok.   

Today I am grateful for peeling away the extraneous.  I lived my life in the vague, gray, area for too long, and as I said above, I created confusion for myself.  As I work through prioritizing what’s next, I understand that it hasn’t been healthy holding on to so much.  I packed too much in, and as grateful as I am to have those experiences and resources available, it has been overload trying to carry all that around all the time.  I’m talking about mental and physical clutter, the self-created confusion and the daily routine of saying that I don’t understand and don’t have time when all I need to do is find some focus.  It sometimes takes a major life event for us to prioritize what really matters and stop telling ourselves a story—and then to change that story into one of empowerment and application of purpose.  The extraneous distraction is a waste of time and we should all be grateful to cut out anything that takes our precious time away from us.

Today I am grateful for humility and boundaries.  I’ve struggled with navigating some family dynamics during my father’s health issues.  Some of the frustration is related to ego and some is related to genuine anger at not being understood and disregarded at 40 years old.  I’m the youngest but I have been in healthcare for 20 years, and while I’m not clinical, I do have a very solid knowledge base around healthcare and treatment plans.  I also know my facility and basic rules about visiting patients etc.  While I don’t begrudge my family being involved in any way, I struggle with the implication that because I am the youngest I would need to defer to them for anything or that I would somehow need to find permission to be included.  This isn’t to say that my family doesn’t have valid points in their questions and concerns, I just have a different focus on the treatment and goals of the discussion with the team.  I am grateful to let that go and simply be myself, stand my ground, enter the room like I need to be there, and ask the questions that are appropriate regardless of who is with me.  I know that I don’t know it all.  I know that I don’t want propriety over my father—but I know that I need to be in there and speak up as well and that I do not need to let them talk over me and my knowledge at any time.  I meant to be in the room—and so are they.  We can do this together and get the best outcome for my father. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.