“You have to trust in what you think.  If you splinter yourself, try to please everyone, you can’t,” Annie Liebovitz.  As I finished that last piece and read it to myself, as I sit here thinking about my scattered energies, I understand this quote at a deep level.  I’m ambitious and driven and also highly susceptible to distractions and not committing to finishing what I start (thank you ADD).  Throw in the proclivity to people please and it’s a recipe for disaster as far as trying to get anything done of value.  It’s on two levels: one is that I literally struggle to even get the thing done because I’m trying to do all the things at once (or I don’t even start because of analysis paralysis) or I’m caught up in what other people will think and make my decisions based on how they will feel or react.  We aren’t supposed to be everything to everyone all at once.  I can attest to it driving us crazy on a deep level.  We run circles all day exhausting ourselves but we are getting nowhere in spite of the movement.  The fear of making a mistake is still present.

Learning to trust what we think is challenging when we’ve based all of our decisions on impulse or on what others will think/how we think they will react.  Trusting ourselves is foreign and we have no gauge for what that trust looks like.  Living with blurred boundaries for the sake of being accepted on top of no focus leaves us building a house out of sand that we put together one grain at a time.  We have to zoom out and connect with who WE are instead of what we think others think—or what we think others think we are if that makes sense.  Trusting ourselves is a scary thing when all we’ve done is trust what others show us, trust their approval, and based our decisions on their reactions to us (and potential reactions).  We have to trust that we are capable of finding our way based on what we feel, that we are guided to what we feel for a reason.  That this path is our own and we don’t have to do anything based on what others think of us.  Like I said yesterday, sometimes a mistake is exactly what we need to get us on the right path.

Speaking as someone who has a 9-5, runs a business, is working on a book deal, who writes this bog for fun, who pulls cards for the public every morning, is a wife/mother/daughter/friend, I can 100% validate that splintering the mind never works.  Things get done but not how I would like them.  Some things don’t get done at all.  We can’t have that many obligations (self-created or not) and expect that we can keep all of those plates spinning.  Something has to give, and it’s never an easy choice as to what doesn’t get the attention it needs—sometimes it isn’t our choice what falls.  I have little faith in myself because I never see the results that I want.  I give into distraction in spite of doing all these things I want to do because my brain is trying to take a break.  If I simply trusted my instincts I know I would find the way.  I actually believe that with all of my heart—I feel it in my being.  But that instinct is calling for me to do something so radical that I have NEVER been able to force myself to take the steps necessary to do it.  Not the big one at least.  I still don’t feel fully supported, it feels selfish, and it feels like I would be giving up too much—or forcing those around me to give up too much.  But I see the potential to offer so much more by taking that risk is becoming greater than sitting here stewing over what I should do next, or fearing what others will say.  There are billions of people in this world and only one of me.  Not everyone will relate with this anyway—so why try?  Share who I am and let those who resonate with it, find it.  That is enough.  We are all enough.  So go for it—make those mistakes and stop splintering who we are.  One whole person is better than a billion fractions of a person.  All we need is that one little, precious spark and we can ignite the flame of our entire existence to light the path for everyone.  Stay whole.