Today I am grateful for confession.  I’m not talking in the religious sense but I am talking about sharing something with the hope of absolving a feeling.  I’ve been feeling a certain way toward several people for a while now and I’ve been upset because they aren’t responding to my signs to essentially keep away for the time being.  I found myself super annoyed that they were always around in spite of my behavior.  I got even more annoyed that they would then seek out my husband so I wasn’t even able to discuss much needed things with him either. I finally was able to pull a few of them aside and explain what was going on.  In discussion I things started piecing together in my mind.  I was hurt because I wasn’t being respected but I was also hurt because there was a different kind of bond I saw developing that I was losing with my husband.  And he wanted nothing to do with trying to repair it with me.  I wouldn’t have realized that if I didn’t start to confront the issue with other people being around. I was able to express my jealousy as well as the deeper need I had in my relationship.  Truthfully nothing has been done on either side (I’ll get to that next) but it still felt good to get it out there.    

Today I am grateful for time alone.  I refuse to use the cliché that absence makes the heart grow fonder because I feel like it’s trash.  But I will say that time alone offers space for a lot of things.  Appreciation for what’s gone.  Appreciation that it was there.  Appreciation for what we want.  It makes space for clarity of what the heart wants, what makes it beat.  Solitude isn’t an easy thing.  I think this time alone has made me appreciate the challenge of doing it all alone.  There are times I’ve felt like I had to do things alone and I ended up making myself the victim.  But having to truly do it alone is another story.  It doesn’t feel weak in this aloneness.  It feels strong.  It feels reassuring that there are things I can do on my own that I previously thought I couldn’t.  I am strong enough to do it.  I can be strong enough to make the choice and do that too.

Today I am grateful to make peace with silence.  In the beginning of this time alone, the silence scared me.  It was too quiet.  The irony is I had been asking for quiet for a long time—and it was a moment of be careful what you wish for.  Not just the physical surroundings but the heaviness of everything being on me, every thought, uninterrupted time.  Sometimes silence can be a dangerous thing for people with a brain like mine—always active, slightly compulsive, definitely obsessive, creative with destructive tendencies.  The silence needed to break me down, though.  I needed to make peace with the ticking of my heart.  I would think each beat was a second gone, unsure where to go, desperately trying to cling to something to find meaning—that was even before this time alone.  Wasted time scares me, and I wanted this time apart to be worth it.  So I had to make peace with that quiet.  Let my heart set the rhythm instead of the chaos of my mind.  It’s ok because we are here and now and that is all we have.  Breathe. Let the heart tick.  Let that beautiful noise fill the silence and appreciate it.  We need it to. When all goes completely silent it’s over, so be grateful for each beat.  Let the silence tell you what your mind cannot.  The mind lies—the silence does not.      

Today I am grateful to slow down.  I’ve had to slow down this past week.  I’ve had to find what needed to be done and simply focus on that in the moment.  All we have is that moment.  We may feel like we have everything that we’ve done and the moments that lie ahead but the truth is we are all one and we are that moment perpetually.  It’s not really gone and it will never really be here.  All that is, is what is here right now.  My creativity, my mind in general, my ADD is a blessing and a curse.  A blessing because I constantly have ideas running through my mind—a curse because I can’t always act on all of them and I struggle to get them out of my mind and also because my mind lies a lot.  In slowing down, I’ve been able to focus on finding what really works for mem the right thing to do for me.  How I spend my time, what’s important, and to develop a sense that I am able to go after whatever I want.  We may not be able to do all the things and we certainly can’t do them all at once.  But we can put all we have into the thing that makes the most sense to us in the moment, the thing that calls to us.  So slow down and find that rhythm we talked about in the silence and move forward. 

Today I am grateful for progress.  Changing our mindset and our lifestyles is not an easy thing to do.  Understanding the responsibility and taking accountability is a tough decision as I mentioned above.  But when we choose that life and continue to choose it every day then that is something.  That’s all we need to do.  Make one choice at a time and make sure we stick with it.  That involved being comfortable in my own skin and working on me.  We don’t miraculously develop issues overnight (like issues with weight, smoking, drinking, codependency).  All of those things start off innocently enough—one more bite, one more cigarette, one more drink, I just want to know what he’s doing/I have to check with him first.  Then they can quickly turn into something more.  Breaking those habits is never easy and the process of change can be ugly.  But it’s important to continue on the path to change no matter what we do.  We can either work toward the changes we want or work on accepting who we are.  I am grateful for the progress I have made and I am proud.  Choosing me every day has made me more able to help other people versus the selfishness I felt when I did everything for everyone.  The latter made me a martyr and hungry for attention.  The former makes it so I feel comfortable and confident contributing what I can.  I am grateful for progress in accepting who I am.

Today I am grateful for taking the steps necessary to get out of my comfort zone and push me toward a new way of living.  I took my personal business to a local market yesterday and it was an incredible experience.  It’s different being on the other side of the table, offering a product or service.  I learned a lot.  It requires a different level of comfort and confidence in self in order to sell.  It was fun to set up my booth and to speak with people about something that can help them.  I loved putting all the pieces together in a way that made sense to show off the stuff.  It was fun to learn how to make new connections and watch how others sell their business.  It was great to speak with some really nice people both on the customer and professional side.  It was awesome to make a sale. I’ve made sales before and it always feels amazing but it was something really cool to offer someone a sample, have them step away and then come back to get the product.  You never know how something will go until you try it and it was definitely something necessary to advance where I’m at and what I’m doing.  I’m grateful for that chance.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.