“Some people run away by packing their bags.  Others run away by staying in the same place too long,”  Richard Gadd (Baby Reindeer).  I’ve heard and read some incredibly powerful quotes and they often give me pause—a few have stopped me in my tracks.  This one was full stop, slap in the face, reality is here.  Certain things resonate with us at certain times in our lives and this is one of them for me.  I needed to hear this in the midst of the circumstances going on between work and home right now.  Doing the same thing, being the same person every day only gets us more of the same.  If we are happy in that regard then it isn’t an issue.  If we aren’t happy or if it seems the weight of holding up something not meant for us to hold in the first place becomes too much, then we need to consider why we stay. 

The human brain is an amazing thing.  It can convince us that we aren’t capable of changing the circumstances.  That we are meant to stay where we are.  That is too scary to move forward whether on a goal or on what to eat.  It is capable of showing us the most beautiful dreams and tearing us down.  I’ve experienced both kinds of running away.  The kind where we think the answer always lies somewhere else, anywhere else but where we are.  That we have to know it all and that if we let down our armor we will be vulnerable so we can’t stay in one spot.  I’ve also been the one to stay where I am for an unhealthy amount of time, both out of stubbornness, and out of fear, and out of hope that things will change.  Right now I am in the same place. 

I’ve created so much work for myself saying that it’s all for my family, that I’m trying to build a better life for them.  That is true—but how much of this is also so I can avoid the reality of the differences building in my home?  How much of this is trying to control what’s going on around me because I have no control over some major portions of my life (events at work, thoughts/beliefs from other people).  I’ve said before the human brain isn’t designed to stay in limbo, wondering what if, what’s next.  So we create a response and either flee or root.  When we flee we still take the baggage of the situation with us if we don’t figure out where it started.  When we root, we like to think we are sticking out but we are avoiding what we can do to help ourselves.

The statement immediately begged the question of what am I avoiding?  It wasn’t a matter of running away through leaving, I knew instantly I was running away by staying.  By thinking I couldn’t do it on my own.  And worse, I know that decision, my behaviors and actions have mad other people stay where they are as well.  That was never my goal—that was my brain protecting itself by trying to be in control.  We have all done this at some point.  So how do we stop?  How do we stop running at all?  Facing ourselves is by far one of the hardest things to do.  Once the mask is off there is no where to hide.  There is a reality that we can’t avoid in that particular mirror.  I know that my legs are getting sore, both from the days I move, and from the days I hold myself hostage to whatever I’m going through in my mind.  We can move the mind—it shouldn’t move us.  So it’s time to unleash the chain and see how far I can go.  Will you go with me?