“You feel suffocated by the ways of the world because you are here to taste a new way.  The see-saw of life, between hope and fear—there is nothing like facing your own demons and battling yourself.  These fears are coming up so we can alchemize them,” Ashmi Pathela.  Going out on the limb and doing things against the norm feels uncomfortable for anyone.  It’s a practice we can learn and do over and over again but the beginning of something new is always rocky.  We are learning to gain our footing as we did when we were babies learning to walk.  We knew we wanted to and it’s a little unsteady at first—we fall down a lot—but we keep going.  The irony of some of this is that we are creative creatures meant to advance the world so we are often diving into unchartered territory, yet it feels uncomfortable to do so—and we are still drawn to it.  With enough practice, we learn to listen to the beat of our own heart more and trust our internal sense of direction.  Soon going against what feels natural for us weighs us down.  It gets shaky as we try to navigate what we know and what we are creating with what we feel.  The goal is to spend more time tasting a new way, taking our lessons and building on them, spending more time in hope than fear.  When we emerge from the depths of fear, we can breathe in hope and we can take all we know and make it into something else.    

Let’s put this in context: Over the last few days we talked about not missing out on the important moments in life followed by understanding the important moments aren’t about perfect.  Life doesn’t stop because things aren’t aesthetically pleasing; life is all the time.  Every moment becomes important.  From birth our society trains us to believe we have to follow a certain pattern and that there is only one path to happiness (or that the paths are limited), there is one path to success. We are told that these limited ways are the “right” way, that it’s good for us.  We are taught only the big things matter. Meanwhile we feel the exact opposite—that there is something more for us, that we are fulfilled doing something off that path.  The conflict causes us to feel drained more often than not, we live in distraction, we feel that there is something more and we ignore it.  We get so close to what we want, we start and we stop because we vacillate between hope and fear, thinking we can do anything and thinking we have no chance at succeeding.  The mind is a powerful thing, something that can tell us to act against our instincts because the crowd is safer—it’s innocuous but if we listen too much we forget the crowd keeps us unseen and drowns out our instincts. 

When we trust the crowd for too long, it takes some time to know that it’s all in our heads, that we need to calm the internal negative voice and drown out the external distractions to understand how we feel.  We are meant to take those fears and build them into strengths understanding that we can overcome anything.  Not just overcome, but that we are architects meant to create something far greater.  The greatest demon we need to fight is the urge to quiet the voice of our true calling, the one that tells us we aren’t good enough, that things need to look a certain way to be good enough, that we can’t enjoy life until it is a certain way.  Learn to trust what we know and use each of those doubts and fears to build a staircase right above the water and breathe in the sustaining breath of our purpose and life.  Quiet the demons inside, ignore the distraction outside, and we win every time.  Trust our power and know we are meant to build and create. Trust the instinct and breathe in our power.

I want to piggy back on Saturday’s post about being in the picture.  I think the main point is this: life isn’t perfect.  We need to celebrate what we have while we are here—we need to celebrate that we are here.  We need to remember that we have a short time here and we are meant to make the most of it.  Instead of living for some unrealistic ideal, we need to learn to sit in the beauty that is simply existing.  The creativity and possibilities we have.  Sharing our understanding with each other, learning from each other, creating with each other.  Time moves so much faster than we think.  If we spend all of our lives waiting for the perfect moments or thinking we only need to document and appreciate those big moments, then we miss so much.  We miss the opportunity to go for things we love because it doesn’t match some ideal in our minds.  Just because it isn’t perfect doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.  And maybe it doesn’t look how we thought it would—does that mean we need to diminish the experience that actually happened?  Looking back now, I know this: Never let a special time go by because the image looks different than how we picture it or expect it to be.  We don’t live life for how the picture looks, we live for how it feels. The joy, the love, the people.  It was never about being perfect, it was about how it feels.

There are certain things that can’t be captured on film but there are some things that once on film will forever bring us right back to that moment.  We can feel what we felt then.  If we spend our time trying to make it look a certain way, we lose the authenticity of what actually happened—and that shows.  So instead of trying to make things look a certain way, or avoiding the camera because we think we look a certain way, embrace the moment.  Let it be documented in all of its imperfect glory because those moments, that particular instant will never happen again.  We can’t document the entirety of our lives, but we will always retain the feelings we had.  I don’t want to continue to mourn what I didn’t document because I didn’t think I was good enough to be in the picture.  I don’t want to put off my life until I look a certain way or until things around me look a certain way—time is passing no matter what it looks like.  This is what we have—right here, right now.  I cherish these feelings, these moments.  And looking back, the little moments are all we have.  Those are the things that make up the core of who we are.  My life was more than just the big things—it was the sum of all of those moments that led up to it.  We live every day—not just the big moments.  Each is as important as the last, and I will always remember that. 

Today I am grateful for understanding my power.  There are moments in all of our lives where we have the choice to stand up or the choice to remain down.  As I’ve been working through some serious transitions in my life, I’ve understood that I was afraid of something different than I thought.  I used to think I was afraid of time passing, of not being good enough, of never “qualifying” for something I really wanted.  The truth is I was afraid of my worth and I was afraid of my power.  I was afraid to unleash it because people wouldn’t accept me.  But now I see what it feels like to own it and how to maneuver with it, how to guide it, and even how to channel it.  I understand that I didn’t need permission and it wasn’t that people thought I wasn’t good enough.  They were afraid of me.  I was afraid of me.  I thought I needed permission when I needed to make a declaration—I needed to appreciate more.  Instead of looking for the faults, I needed to celebrate the good. 

Today I am grateful for the transitions I’ve made.  It’s been 43 days of solid work on my body and mind.  I’m down 10 pounds.  I’ve stood up for myself.  I’ve put myself out there for different opportunities at work.  I’ve begun developing a program at work in spite of a different directive/belief in what I do.  I’m no longer waiting for permission in that regard.  I’m no longer waiting for someone to tell me it’s ok to do what I know needs to be done—what should have been done a long time ago but I was too scared to work on.  I’m no longer wanting anyone’s opinion of what I do to validate that I should go for it. It’s no longer about seeking their approval or their belief—it’s following the knowing that I’ve always had.  When we feel that spark of greatness, that flame of creativity, that thing we know we can’t let go of—the thing that says, “THIS. This is what I’ve been telling you.  It’s right,” that’s the thing we need to listen to.  Not someone’s thoughts on the matter.  Their path is not ours and they aren’t meant to understand what we are doing.  They don’t always need to know where we are going.  Focusing on personal development and following through on it is a game changer.  It’s not easy to get started on a transition, it’s difficult to maintain.  But once it’s integrated, it’s easy.  We only complicate it in our minds—the body is incredibly adaptable.  Love it and respect it and keep it healthy.  The mind is malleable as well—perspective is a bit more challenging but it IS possible to change perception.  Allow the possibilities to unfold.

Today I am grateful to be a connector.  I struggled with friendships for a long time.  Struggling with control, trust, perfectionism, and a severe lack of knowledge of self from years of people pleasing led me down a fairly lonely path.  I was always afraid of being left behind and there are times I still am.  I get insecure that my friends like each other better than me even if I know it isn’t true—it’s a blessing to have a group that gets on so well. I am grateful because I’ve managed to connect a beautiful group of people.  I’ve managed to help employees find their path.  I’ve mentored people toward better self-perception.  I love having the gift of cutting through all the bullshit and getting to the meat of the matter.  Some people are afraid about that with me—and it has caused a few issues. But I know in the end that directness is far easier than playing nice.  I spent years playing nice and it literally got me nowhere except looking for the next person to tell me what to do or praise me.  Dancing around an issue is never the answer.  I never mean to be cruel, I just don’t like pretending the issue is something other than what it is for the sake of someone’s opinion.  I love that I have this beautiful group of people around me.    

Today I am grateful for the laughs in life.  For the laughs that I heard for the first time, the laughs I couldn’t control, the laughs that bubbled up and out without thought, the laughs I will always remember, the laughs I won’t get to hear again—and so wish I could.  I love the genuine laughs—hearing the sound of my son for the first time all the way to my grandfather guffawing.  I remember the smile across his face when something struck his fancy.  I spent too much time worrying and missing out on the laughs.  I always thought that I had to be serious so I would appear like I knew my stuff and no one would hurt me, like I was older than I was.  But in that process I lost learning about myself.  I missed finding out what I really enjoyed, finding out what I was capable of, finding out what connected me to others.  Don’t misunderstand, I had many beautiful moments, but we so often forget how beautiful life is in every moment.  Find the laughs.  Find the moments to laugh.  Find the moments to feel the joy.     

Today I am grateful for advancing.  We are our own worst critics and it’s difficult at times to acknowledge or see our progress.  Sometimes we are too close to the scenario to really see the progress—we may feel different (which is key) but seeing what we want is challenging at times.  Last night we were celebrating with some friends—and I’m grateful to have neighbors that are truly such good friends—and there were people in the group who hadn’t seen me for a while.  They commented on progress I’ve made with my health.  This was something I wasn’t even sure was noticeable, but they did.  It gave me the encouragement to keep doing what I’ve been doing.  It really is something I’ve been working on and I’ve been proud of it regardless—we’ve often spoken of how difficult a lifestyle change can be so I’ve already known I was proud for sticking with it—but I am grateful to be making the moves I am in life.  I don’t know specifically what comes next, but I am grateful and I know it is something bringing be me closer to where I need to be, closer to the goal. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.    

The gratitude I feel for my friends led me down the path of those times I didn’t feel so good being recognized and how I hid myself.  There are so many moments I look back and see I’m missing from the picture.  Many times it was because I didn’t like (don’t like) how I look on film—and because I felt like I look so different in reality than I do on film.  I missed a lot of moments that should have been captured–my pregnancy and the birth of my son, times out with my friends, concerts. I realize now that the reason I didn’t want myself on film was so much deeper than not liking how I looked.  It had everything to do with worth—and why I started this journey of perfectionism.  I was blessed to spend some time looking through pictures with my father the other day and I truly started understanding how blessed I am.  We had some amazing times together when I was a kid, the trips to California.  I felt conflicted about those trips as I got older because I never gave a thought to any feelings of inequity with my siblings until they brought it up later—and one sibling in particular loved to bring it up.  I loved those moments and I truly cherished every one of them—to this day those times with my parents in California are some of my best memories.  My sibling never hesitated to point out that they didn’t get that and insinuating I was spoiled.  My enjoyment wasn’t me being selfish or saying that they didn’t deserve those trips.  I was a kid raised differently from my siblings—that didn’t mean I was favored more.  It did mean that my parents were in a different circumstance and I experienced different things than they did. 

The more they talked about those differences as I got older, I started to feel guilty. Which translated into feeling guilty about the rest of the things I had in my life.  Again, we were raised differently so what I had and the relationship I had with my parents was all I knew. I truly never gave any thought to the things I had—I assumed my parents had given them the same things that they gave me.  I understood later that my parents didn’t have those opportunities when my siblings were younger—but I know with 100,000% certainty they would have done exactly that if they did have the same things available to them then.  My siblings interpreted it as my parents liking me more but I ALWAYS knew that wasn’t true.  Shit, I gave up my childhood trying to be older and prove myself to my siblings, to be their equal and I was still compared to them, never celebrated: I was the president of French NHS for Christ’s sake and I was still told about how good my sister was with languages—absolutely dismissing my accomplishment.  I was a singer and told how good my sister was at dancing.  I started taking myself out of the picture because it began to feel like I wasn’t meant to enjoy anything that came my way—including the things I worked and sacrificed for.  I removed myself from the picture because I thought I wasn’t worth anything. 

Most of my teen years all the way through my thirties are barely documented because I didn’t think the moments I was in, the moments captured, were good enough or that I was good enough to be photographed.  And now looking back at those pictures, I see how ridiculous that was.  Those photos I was in weren’t perfect but Christ I looked so HAPPY.  And I remember feeling that happy, alive in the experience.  I dimmed the entirety of my existence because I didn’t want to rub anything in their faces for having a different experience than them.  I thought I needed to have the same experience to justify being here.  I just wanted to be loved and I diminished myself so much, I learned to hate myself so much, because they had a different childhood than me.  They got the memory of the bowling alley and the arcade—I got the bowling alley and sitting in the restaurant and bringing my friends. They got the memory of the family Christmases in the halls because we had so many people we couldn’t fit in the house—I have the quiet Christmases in the homes with barely anyone (and I still loved them, that was all I knew—I didn’t know I missed out until later).  They got the memory of playing together outside, having secrets from my parents, fighting with each other, loving each other, throwing parties together behind my parent’s backs.  I have none of that. 

I have memories of trying to keep up and feeling so alone.  Trying to appear older and losing out on time with my siblings and my friends because I couldn’t fit in with either.  I lived an existence between worlds, not fitting in, not knowing what I was supposed to do, caught between leading my peers and being resented by my siblings, never at home anywhere, least of all in my own skin.  I spent so much time alone, I’m barely ever in the picture—it feels like I didn’t exist.  And that translated to my adulthood.  If the moment wasn’t big enough, I didn’t want to be in the picture.  And now all I have are the memories in my head.  I fear losing that, after watching both of my grandmothers go through Alzheimer’s and dementia respectively.  I have nothing to remind me that I was there except for my work and my things.  That’s why I can’t let it go.  In some ways that work and the things I’ve accumulated over time are the only things that show I’ve been here.  That I lived. Over the last few years, specifically with my son, I have taken a ton of pictures of him because I don’t want him to not have those– and I’ve put myself in the picture but I still get uncomfortable, thinking I need to look a certain way.  I am in this world, I am living this life, and I am grateful for it.  I’d like to be in it and I’d like to remember it.  I never needed to prove anything—not to my siblings, not to work.  I never needed to be ashamed of my success or diminish my success.  Had I reveled in it more, I think I would have gone further.  No, I can’t blame my siblings for how I reacted, but I can understand it and do it differently now.  I see the bullshit resentment they have toward my parents and they have no idea that they were loved in a way I wasn’t, they were loved for who they were and they had each other.  I had to be perfect and I was still left out of the picture.  I have learned to put myself back in the picture and to love my life.  I need to remember to do that every day, to celebrate being alive every day.  Even if they don’t celebrate me in that way, I am alive.   

I am grateful for friends who know me so well.  For the friends I’ve known my whole life to the friends who I’ve met in this new phase.  The friends I met when I moved in here, the friends I met years ago at the apartment, the friends I have now after being a mother and my son is in school.  I am grateful for this because even though I’ve been relatively different people at each of these stages, there are people who understand these facets of me, who have gone through the same thing as me, who speak the same language.  Experience is a uniter.  Being understood is freeing.  Being seen is the ultimate validation of who we are.  It always amazes me how quickly some people learn about others, how they are able to look at a person and simply know them.  It is a beautiful thing to be known.  Whitney Hanson talks about love and a heart speaking the same language—this doesn’t have to be a romantic love, this is the frequency of one heart speaking to another and being understood.  My heart feels understood for the first time in a long time.

Even though I’ve been known and seen at these different stages, I’ve had shields up for so long that I wasn’t sure how to trust that people would care for my heart as I cared for theirs.  I never felt they really grasped who I am—and some didn’t.  But others did.  And those are the ones that I choose to focus on, the ones I choose to be grateful for.  Those are the people I choose to keep in my life.  When you are understood, your life flourishes differently.  We do have different people for different phases of our lives, that is the natural progression of time as well as the natural progression of progress itself.  We can’t stay the same and think things will be different.  So we need different people at different points.  I am thrilled to be seen and I am proud that I see.  I am so lucky to know that, even with a shielded heart, there are people who can see through it and allow me in—so I am safe to let them in as well.  Not everyone deserves access to that level, but those who do have free reign.  I am grateful for that vulnerability and that strength, for that simultaneous acknowledgement of independence and unification. 

I am grateful to be accepted.  There is an irony in this: the more I am able to accept myself, the more easily accepted I am by others.  Learning to love ourselves and accept ourselves are two sides of the same coin and both are necessary in order to flow and be present.  The more present we are, the more we are able to simply be—and that is a moment when we embrace who we are.  Typically it’s at those points, the moments when we stop looking for others to accept us, that we find exactly who we need—the people who take us for exactly who we are.  I had to learn a long time ago that not everyone seeks that type of relationship with us.  I spent too much time hoping and wanting everyone to like me, trying to be everything to everyone.  Instead of feeling more included, I felt further and further from myself and that is when I was most lost.  As soon as I began finding my way back to myself, I found others.  When we find our home in self, we are aligned with those who contribute to our lives.  I am grateful to build that support and to support others who value the effort.  I am grateful for being known.

My best friend was in town briefly the other night and we went to her parent’s house to see her.  It’s easily been 6 years since we’ve last been there and these are people I truly do consider my second family—I’ve know them since I was 6 years old so we are going on 34 years of friendship and, yes, sisterhood.  It’s so different to be in the places we were as children, to remember what it felt like to be with our parents, and to realize that we are at the age now that they were when we ran those same halls.  The halls are quieter now, the house showing a little more age and love, and now I have my own child that walks through them.  I remember how much I looked up to the adults in my life, how much I revered them, how much I even feared them at times, and I realize that I am at the exact age they were and I am doing the exact same things they did—making sure we can get by and keep a roof over our heads, making sure my son has the best choices and not wanting to screw him up, to make sure he knows he is loved, to make sure that my relationship with my husband is solid, managing work, home, and my family and friends.  It’s funny how life cycles around us and we find ourselves in the same position without even realizing it.

Time passes so quickly and I’ve had so many moments over the years where I legitimately ached for the feelings I had as a child—that sense of security, that safety, that certainty of being a kid and knowing everything.  Transitioning roles from child to parent and then child to parent caregiver is a heavy thing.  It’s a natural progression, yes, but something we don’t do well to prepare for.  We repeat what we know and model what we are taught so building our own habits can feel so uncertain for us, but the kids around us have no clue that we are literally all winging it.  I used to think my parents and my friend’s parents all had it SO together, that they were the absolute paragon of adulthood and that is what we were meant to strive for.  I wanted to do what they told me to and make them proud.  I wanted to have that same sense of authority in my life.  Going bigger wasn’t really a thing that crossed my mind, and it’s odd how sometimes when we go back to the places that seemed so big to us in childhood, we see how small they were, how much our parents were simply humans trying to get by—just as we are now.

Seeing my parents and my friend’s parents age takes them from this idolized, almost super-human like figure to human.  We are all fallible, fragile, and imperfect, and we all have the same human struggles.  And that is exactly how we are meant to be.  Those walls didn’t hold the paradigm for what life needed to be like—they held the life, love, laughter, anger, fights, parties, and all the crazy energy of what life is.  We are always so quick to want to move away from those homes, to create our own life, and we often don’t appreciate what was in the bones of those homes, the love and the very life-force that sustained it.  At the end of the day the home itself may be nothing but materials put together, but everything contained within it, the energy we created, experienced and left there, leave a mark.  Time passes quickly, yes, but that emotional residue lingers and we are no longer the children.  We have now graduated to the same status, that mythical “adult.”  We see our parents with a new light, a little more understanding, and with more patience, grace, and appreciation.  I still hope I made them proud, but more, I hope I made them feel loved and secure, the same as they did for me.  I wouldn’t be here without my family or my friend’s family either so this goes beyond nostalgia.  This is simply life—precious, fragile, delicate experiences strong enough to carry us through the passage of time.  What a beautiful blessing.            

“Be first and be lonely,” unknown.  I wanted to consider this concept.  There really are people who thrive alone.  There are others who need the presence of others.  I can’t say one is better than the other, I just know what feels right for me.  I have always been independent and my mind has always been active enough I didn’t necessarily need other people.  Plus I didn’t have the best relationship with trust either for myself of for others.  I learned to do a lot on my own.  I learned to trust my own feelings and instincts (and later forgot but that’s a different story) to the point where I knew that just because some things worked for others didn’t mean they would work for me.  I knew that I wasn’t the same.  And I often had the distinct feeling of being held back.  I grasped concepts quickly and I wasn’t necessarily able to move forward—my mother didn’t want me to advance early to a new grade because she thought I would have a hard time making friends.  I barely made friends with my peers as it was.  Plus I found I had an appetite for growth—I wanted to learn as much as I could.  And there was a period where I could retain anything—I mean, so much.  That isn’t to sound conceited by any means—I consider it a gift.  Now I am torn in so many directions, living so many different versions of my life waiting for something to settle that I am still stuck in this moment.

It isn’t being first that has kept me lonely.  It is being out of time.  It’s being unsure of where I am and what’s next.  It’s being uncertain in myself because I can’t get the useless degrading words of others out of my head.  It’s believing that I am not meant to advance because others need to and somehow my imperfections are something so terrible I need to prove over and over again that I’m worthy of letting them go.  When I’m out of synch, when I’ve held myself back, when I’ve doubted myself, that is what I’ve been feeling.  The circular argument, the waiting for others to make a decision for me, to determine if I was good enough to get what I was looking for.  I’ve never wanted to be first, that wasn’t necessarily the goal. It was about finding me and learning as much as I could to figure out who that was.  I became ambitious as a means to prove my worth, to erase the negative things and the “terrible” things I had done in my past.  But working with a group is frustrating—and then I came to find out that it wasn’t working with the group that was frustrating, it was being with the wrong group.  It wasn’t hanging out with friends that was a problem—it was hanging out with the wrong friends.  Food wasn’t the problem, it was habits and the wrong food.  Same with everything else. 

So I consider this a touchy subject because it questions to what degree ambition is a problem.  Being first for the sake of being first can cause issues.  It definitely can be lonely because we ostracize those around us for the sake of our own gain.  We leave people behind or we use them to climb to where we want to be instead of working with them to mutually benefit.  But when it comes to being first in our lives, that’s a necessary thing.  We can’t put the wants of others over our needs and expect them to make that up to us.  Some would say if you want to be first go alone, if you want to go far, go together (it’s an old Kenyan proverb).  It isn’t about being alone or together, it’s about finding the right thing that fits.  There are times we need the loneliness, we need to make sense of our purpose and we have to find what best fits for us, what feels right.  We can’t do that with other people’s opinions weighing on us or the distraction of things that we think we need to buy or accomplish.  We need to know ourselves inside and out and take steps that align with that.  So being first isn’t necessarily lonely and being with a group isn’t necessarily with good company.  We need to know ourselves well enough to know the difference and be confident enough to follow what feels right for us.  The rest is a matter of opinion.

“We all need to lead where we are planted and shine where we find ourselves,” Robin Sharma, The Leader With No Title.  Instead of bitching about where we are and what has happened to us, learn to cultivate the area, especially if we can’t change it.  Make it the best we can.  Allow growth to expand from where we are at and tend to what is around us rather than lamenting what we do not have or wishing things were different.  It’s easy to feel trapped where we are at and to feel like the external is keeping us in one spot.  But we have to remember that we always have an option to move, even if it’s learning to bend in a particular direction.  We live in such a strange age now—we simultaneously show the best and worst of society all the time, highlighting all the extremes so we confuse what reality is.  We move too quickly and take in too much garbage and we weigh ourselves down with all that external crap.  We either try to live to mythical, unrealistic expectations and standards or we wallow in the misery of the world. 

It doesn’t have to be that extreme because life exists very much between the two.  The magic is when we are able to simply be—to love our lives as they are and to develop our own sense of space in the world.  See, we tend to spend a lot of time looking elsewhere, either forward or backward, over the fence, or across the street, in the cubicle or office next to us, the car next to us, at the TV, at the vacation the friend took and we build up these skewed versions of what life is like for people.  Life exists beyond what is curated on any media.  The real meat of life, the joy of it, is when we appreciate the moments we have and learn how to work with them and mold it into what we have.  When we tend to our own little bit of Earth, it strengthens, and grows, and blooms in the most beautiful of ways.  Soon it expands and as long as we keep tending it, it will continue to grow until it covers an unimaginable amount of area.  That is the power of developing ourselves.

Instead of the goal being attention, we need to focus on creating and expressing the best of who we are.  Growth doesn’t always look how we think it should—but it is always tied to our actions and efforts, and more importantly, our focus.  Focus on cultivating what is inside of us and on becoming the best versions of who we are.  Don’t let expectations get in the way of appreciating what is right in front of us.  We all have these seeds and we need to cultivate them.  We may not be able to control what they are but we can certainly determine how they grow, and help them grow into the strongest versions of themselves.  And as we do that, we learn how to nurture them and maybe new seeds will come our way.  The garden is what we make it.  We have the ability to do our best with what we have at all times and that is all we need—remember our power to do our best. 

“Tactics are different than standards,” Matthew Hussey.  Hussey’s stated this in regards to something he went through with his wife, so even though this is in regard to a romantic relationship, it applies to all relationships.  This beautifully explains a situation I’m dealing with at my 9-5.  As I’ve shared, I struggle with a few individuals who constantly seem to be lurking around, waiting for me to drop the ball.  They’ve put a significant amount of work on me, hoping I will fail.  They’ve offered me help and when I’ve told them what I need they’ve said they can’t help me but I am accountable if anything falls through the cracks.  I’ve taken it all in stride and they haven’t succeeded in getting a reaction out of me. They’ve been progressively becoming more and more direct, deceitful, and dishonest in their attacks.  Claiming some kind of disappointment in me, stating I’m not a team player.  The truth is I am at my limits, and I keep coming in and getting it done because I don’t want to give them the satisfaction of saying I couldn’t handle it, or that something fell through that I was responsible for.  This is work I’ve been forced into and then blamed for creating, and then threatened that if I don’t do it there will be consequences.

This entire situation would be different if I saw my peers, people with my title on my team, treated the same way and held to the same standard—or if they genuinely offered assistance.  What is happening is the select group isolates with each other, closes doors, and then blames you for not knocking.  Those few people are able to walk in and miraculously there is never a problem, but when I knock, she’s on a phone call or can’t speak with me at that moment.  She will make me wait an hour before responding to something that takes 30 seconds to answer—but if I don’t answer immediately, I missed something.  Have I made mistakes and missed things?  Of course—I’m human.  So now they’ve begun gaslighting in some insidious ways.  They do offer to help, but then never follow through, or they state they can’t help with that particular thing.  Again, if this was a standard and we all were held to it, then it wouldn’t be a problem.  But this is manipulative and chess-like in the steps that have been taken.  As humans there are times we are so focused on our own agendas that we end up manipulating people.  We don’t intend harm, we are just excited about a topic or it’s something that weighs heavily on us so we’re fixated.  But there are the climbers and those who like to make moves.  I am not one of those people.

So, instead of making this nothing more than a complaint session, or martyring myself, I will use it to remind myself that people have their own agendas—everyone does—and that I can focus on my goals just as they have the right to focus on theirs.  I can recognize the tactics they are using—isolating me, gaslighting, overworking—and know that it’s a double standard.  And I can make choices to make moves of my own.  This isn’t to say that I’m wonderful and they are horrible, but it is clear that I have standards that don’t align with theirs, I have goals that don’t align with theirs.  I can’t do a damn thing about how they treat me, but I can take care of what I need to and hold my head high knowing I did what was right, knowing that they can not take that away from me.  I can focus on my work, and keep going with building the life I love and I can work around the behavior.  I know all will come back in its own time—that isn’t my job to validate what comes to them—so I can keep going in my energy and do what I know works for me.  And when the time comes, I can move on, and they can keep their secret club.  Real leadership isn’t about manipulation, it’s about development and growth.  I can hold myself to that standard and know that I’ve done my best. Be aware and don’t let anyone take you away from what you are meant to do.   

Today I am grateful for making one of the biggest moves in my career during my duration at my 9-5.  I’m going after what I want and getting it done.  I’ve always had a tenuous relationship with my 9-5.  The main reason is that I simply don’t like being told what to do or having my life dictated and my time spent doing things that aren’t serving my purpose (like to a pathological level) but what I despise is being told what to do by hypocrites and bullies.  The writing has been clear for a while that I will not get the help I need in a particular circumstance.  The hope is likely that I make the decision to leave.  As much as I hate being told what to do and I’ve thought I wanted the money all along, the truth is I simply want freedom.  There is one facet of my job that I absolutely adore and it has a ton of potential for the organization and the community—and it is genuinely fun for me to do.  I recently took the opportunity to bring it to the president of the company.  This is something I’ve wanted to do for years to garner support from the hospital and to help unite the teams, and I’ve been told no by a certain individual the whole time, that the department was on its last breath.  The president thinks otherwise.  It was terrifying to make the pitch to him because it means a lot to me and I did this quietly.  But the information was received and now it’s a matter of hashing out what comes next.  I will tell you it felt amazing.  I felt empowered and articulate and heard.  There are times you have to take the future in your own hands and secure your own steps—and it’s scary—but it is the most freeing feeling in the world.     

Today I am grateful for finding strength in myself.  I never wanted to be a princess in a relationship where someone takes care of everything for me.  I always dreamt of a partnership where we split it 50/50 and on the days one of us needed a break, the other picked up the slack.  That is not what I got.  I truly am not complaining because I’ve remembered that we don’t always get what we ask for, we get what we need.  And for me, I know I needed to develop strength to get through things, the ability to stand on my own, and moreso the emotional fortitude to handle what comes my way.  I needed to learn confidence in myself and to understand my worth.  I’ve literally spent a lifetime being undervalued, hoping someone would see me for more, fighting those who want to dim my light.  I’ve struggled for decades to get out from under people.  The truth is I’m still not where I want to be, but I understand more now that I’m still not entirely sure what that means.  I know I can stand on my own, I know I need to maintain boundaries, but I know that I am worth taking care of myself and going after my dreams.  And when we have big goals, a big purpose, we need to know we can manage it—and we need to do it.  Sometimes we have to dig, but it’s there, and I am grateful for it.    

Today I am grateful for discipline.  I have been working extremely hard on maintaining my health.  A friend of mine recently made a comment about my eating habits, telling me that I don’t eat well.  This is completely off base, especially from this person.  Do I eat perfectly all the time?  Absolutely not.  But is 90 percent of my diet appropriate?  Yes.  I have also been working out and maintaining a strong walking regimen.  She’s been agitated and made comments about the time I’m working out and talking about how she would do things—but she does nothing.  She even mentioned that she wanted to walk with me and when I went, she stayed behind.  I’ve stuck with what I said I was going to do with my body.  I’m feeling a bit isolated and lonely because everyone around me (my husband and friends) constantly talk about getting healthier and I’m the only one doing anything about it.  I need a channel for my anxiety and I’m working on it daily.  And I’m seeing results.  I’ve been 40 for just over a month now and I vow to continue making moves in my life.  I’m sticking with it even if it’s upsetting some people.

Today I am grateful for recognizing what I need and what I need to address.  I’ve had this string of events in my life where I get really close to a goal but then never quite get it—always second best or missing one piece to complete the puzzle.  I still don’t know what that means—did I not want it bad enough?  Did I miss a step?  Was I not clear enough?  Well recently things have become overwhelming again—even with a plan to sort things out, they still feel too heavy to manage.  And I had this moment of thinking that I don’t want any of this.  I’m working so hard to maintain this home when I need to put me energy into creating.  I’m working to pay taxes and grocery bills and utilities that continually go up while my salary doesn’t because it’s based on one person’s opinion of my performance.  And I’m tired of people being able to dictate what I have in my life, telling me I need to work harder, that I need to give up more time, that I need to hand over more of the money I earned for whatever bullshit reason they come up with.  See, I didn’t mean I don’t want my home, that I don’t want my books, my family, my animals, the actual things I like doing—no, I’m tired of feeling this revolution in my heart and not being able to do anything about it.  I have so much anger and I’m tired of trying to keep it bottled in and keep up with those around me.  I want to live my own life at my own pace and do the things I love with the people I love.  That’s what I need to focus on.   

Today I am grateful for love, family, and friendship.  As I’ve spoken about growth and time, I know that the people around us and how we share that time together is the most important thing.  I am so fortunate to have a group of people to support me (even if I will stubbornly do it on my own) and people I can learn from and rely on.  Community is important, sense of self is important, and finding the group of people who support and love who we really are is essential.  As much as I’ve struggled with imperfection, anxiety, OCD, more anxiety, self-doubt, whatever it is, I still have a group of people to support me when I need them.  That is a blessing.  I am grateful to be a mother, to have my mother, and to be surrounded by all types of mothers to help me get through this crazy life.  Support is so important and I am blessed to have that in my life. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.