This piece requires a little introduction.  These were just some thoughts I had after an argument the other night—and it struck me that we never know what is going on in someone’s head and we need to believe what they show us, who they show us they are.  It also is a reflection that we can be with someone for a really long time and things change, the dynamic of the relationship changes as we evolve.  That’s natural.  Sometimes we react in the moment or we react with fear and it isn’t how we’d normally respond and it isn’t really indicative of how we actually feel.  I know I’m guilty of that—heck, in the argument I know I was guilty of it then.  The question becomes how do we discern between what is the person’s character and what was simply a moment that we work through.  The initial quote came at a really good time because we all have forks in the road, and truly that fight felt like one of them.  I’ve hit a milestone in my life and I’m working on changing myself for the better, on letting go of what wasn’t working for me and I know those changes are difficult for those around me.  But am I going to stick with what is healthy and good for me or am I going to repeat the patterns and give up?  I’ve come too far.  

“When you come to the fork in the road, take it,” Yogi Berra.  We all have moments when we have to make decisions in life, when we reach a point where we have to decide one way or another, to continue the same path or take something new, or to let it all go and start over.  The premise of the quote is to simply move, make a decision and just go with it.  Go with what feels right.  Following our conversation yesterday about relationships and different opinions, we need to acknowledge that sometimes this is where we are at as well. If something is no longer fulfilling, if something is no longer working, we have to decide to fix it or move on.  I’m tired of working to fix myself, the relationship, and him.  There comes a time when we need to accept that the person simply will not or does not want to continue with us.  We can’t spend our time wishing or forcing someone to be who they are not.  We can appreciate the times we’ve had together, appreciate the lessons, and then understand it is time to move on.  My pride has kept me in a certain spot because I thought I was owed something for what I endured.  I thought that I was worth genuine change for the support I had offered, that I was worth what I was told he wanted.  There is only so long we can believe that someone is who they say they are without action that matches it.

Right now I’m struggling with acceptance, anger, and resentment.  I’ve sacrificed so much, I have endured so much with him—and now I have no choice in his decisions—and I’m realizing I truly never did.  I’ve taken care of nearly everything and I’ve had to do so much on my own while he has fought against me every step of the way in spite of me doing what was right for us collectively as a family—and I held on because he told me he wanted the same things I did.  I should have believed what he was doing instead of what he was saying.  It feels like my life is spinning out of control when he gets to move forward and find happiness.  I can too, it just feels so overwhelming knowing what could have been, knowing we were together all this time and he never really wanted any of it.  That he stayed with me out of guilt and still didn’t do what was needed.  That he still fell into the addictions and habits and patterns of the past and couldn’t stop himself.  To know that for the last two decades I was tolerated and not loved. 

As painful as that fork may be, or as challenging as it is to have to make a decision between options we never thought we’d have to face, we still have to decide.  Life moves on and instead of one particular outcome over another, we may have to choose happiness.  We may have to let the other person choose happiness.  We have to accept that we simply may not be cut out for each other.  In either case, no matter the decision, we have to give the other person grace and space to be who they are.  I’m learning to be myself and I know that I’ve come really far over the last 45 days.  I still have a ways to go but I know that this is a reflection of who I am.  I feel good, I feel more myself.  I hope there is space for this new person in the version of the person he is becoming because I still feel we have this power together.  I don’t know what is coming down the road, but I know as I am releasing the old and becoming the new, I need to love myself, and keep the space and grace for myself too.  I don’t have all the answers, but I know what I feel and I know no matter the outcome, I will still stand on the other side.