“Tactics are different than standards,” Matthew Hussey.  Hussey’s stated this in regards to something he went through with his wife, so even though this is in regard to a romantic relationship, it applies to all relationships.  This beautifully explains a situation I’m dealing with at my 9-5.  As I’ve shared, I struggle with a few individuals who constantly seem to be lurking around, waiting for me to drop the ball.  They’ve put a significant amount of work on me, hoping I will fail.  They’ve offered me help and when I’ve told them what I need they’ve said they can’t help me but I am accountable if anything falls through the cracks.  I’ve taken it all in stride and they haven’t succeeded in getting a reaction out of me. They’ve been progressively becoming more and more direct, deceitful, and dishonest in their attacks.  Claiming some kind of disappointment in me, stating I’m not a team player.  The truth is I am at my limits, and I keep coming in and getting it done because I don’t want to give them the satisfaction of saying I couldn’t handle it, or that something fell through that I was responsible for.  This is work I’ve been forced into and then blamed for creating, and then threatened that if I don’t do it there will be consequences.

This entire situation would be different if I saw my peers, people with my title on my team, treated the same way and held to the same standard—or if they genuinely offered assistance.  What is happening is the select group isolates with each other, closes doors, and then blames you for not knocking.  Those few people are able to walk in and miraculously there is never a problem, but when I knock, she’s on a phone call or can’t speak with me at that moment.  She will make me wait an hour before responding to something that takes 30 seconds to answer—but if I don’t answer immediately, I missed something.  Have I made mistakes and missed things?  Of course—I’m human.  So now they’ve begun gaslighting in some insidious ways.  They do offer to help, but then never follow through, or they state they can’t help with that particular thing.  Again, if this was a standard and we all were held to it, then it wouldn’t be a problem.  But this is manipulative and chess-like in the steps that have been taken.  As humans there are times we are so focused on our own agendas that we end up manipulating people.  We don’t intend harm, we are just excited about a topic or it’s something that weighs heavily on us so we’re fixated.  But there are the climbers and those who like to make moves.  I am not one of those people.

So, instead of making this nothing more than a complaint session, or martyring myself, I will use it to remind myself that people have their own agendas—everyone does—and that I can focus on my goals just as they have the right to focus on theirs.  I can recognize the tactics they are using—isolating me, gaslighting, overworking—and know that it’s a double standard.  And I can make choices to make moves of my own.  This isn’t to say that I’m wonderful and they are horrible, but it is clear that I have standards that don’t align with theirs, I have goals that don’t align with theirs.  I can’t do a damn thing about how they treat me, but I can take care of what I need to and hold my head high knowing I did what was right, knowing that they can not take that away from me.  I can focus on my work, and keep going with building the life I love and I can work around the behavior.  I know all will come back in its own time—that isn’t my job to validate what comes to them—so I can keep going in my energy and do what I know works for me.  And when the time comes, I can move on, and they can keep their secret club.  Real leadership isn’t about manipulation, it’s about development and growth.  I can hold myself to that standard and know that I’ve done my best. Be aware and don’t let anyone take you away from what you are meant to do.