Today I am grateful for making one of the biggest moves in my career during my duration at my 9-5.  I’m going after what I want and getting it done.  I’ve always had a tenuous relationship with my 9-5.  The main reason is that I simply don’t like being told what to do or having my life dictated and my time spent doing things that aren’t serving my purpose (like to a pathological level) but what I despise is being told what to do by hypocrites and bullies.  The writing has been clear for a while that I will not get the help I need in a particular circumstance.  The hope is likely that I make the decision to leave.  As much as I hate being told what to do and I’ve thought I wanted the money all along, the truth is I simply want freedom.  There is one facet of my job that I absolutely adore and it has a ton of potential for the organization and the community—and it is genuinely fun for me to do.  I recently took the opportunity to bring it to the president of the company.  This is something I’ve wanted to do for years to garner support from the hospital and to help unite the teams, and I’ve been told no by a certain individual the whole time, that the department was on its last breath.  The president thinks otherwise.  It was terrifying to make the pitch to him because it means a lot to me and I did this quietly.  But the information was received and now it’s a matter of hashing out what comes next.  I will tell you it felt amazing.  I felt empowered and articulate and heard.  There are times you have to take the future in your own hands and secure your own steps—and it’s scary—but it is the most freeing feeling in the world.     

Today I am grateful for finding strength in myself.  I never wanted to be a princess in a relationship where someone takes care of everything for me.  I always dreamt of a partnership where we split it 50/50 and on the days one of us needed a break, the other picked up the slack.  That is not what I got.  I truly am not complaining because I’ve remembered that we don’t always get what we ask for, we get what we need.  And for me, I know I needed to develop strength to get through things, the ability to stand on my own, and moreso the emotional fortitude to handle what comes my way.  I needed to learn confidence in myself and to understand my worth.  I’ve literally spent a lifetime being undervalued, hoping someone would see me for more, fighting those who want to dim my light.  I’ve struggled for decades to get out from under people.  The truth is I’m still not where I want to be, but I understand more now that I’m still not entirely sure what that means.  I know I can stand on my own, I know I need to maintain boundaries, but I know that I am worth taking care of myself and going after my dreams.  And when we have big goals, a big purpose, we need to know we can manage it—and we need to do it.  Sometimes we have to dig, but it’s there, and I am grateful for it.    

Today I am grateful for discipline.  I have been working extremely hard on maintaining my health.  A friend of mine recently made a comment about my eating habits, telling me that I don’t eat well.  This is completely off base, especially from this person.  Do I eat perfectly all the time?  Absolutely not.  But is 90 percent of my diet appropriate?  Yes.  I have also been working out and maintaining a strong walking regimen.  She’s been agitated and made comments about the time I’m working out and talking about how she would do things—but she does nothing.  She even mentioned that she wanted to walk with me and when I went, she stayed behind.  I’ve stuck with what I said I was going to do with my body.  I’m feeling a bit isolated and lonely because everyone around me (my husband and friends) constantly talk about getting healthier and I’m the only one doing anything about it.  I need a channel for my anxiety and I’m working on it daily.  And I’m seeing results.  I’ve been 40 for just over a month now and I vow to continue making moves in my life.  I’m sticking with it even if it’s upsetting some people.

Today I am grateful for recognizing what I need and what I need to address.  I’ve had this string of events in my life where I get really close to a goal but then never quite get it—always second best or missing one piece to complete the puzzle.  I still don’t know what that means—did I not want it bad enough?  Did I miss a step?  Was I not clear enough?  Well recently things have become overwhelming again—even with a plan to sort things out, they still feel too heavy to manage.  And I had this moment of thinking that I don’t want any of this.  I’m working so hard to maintain this home when I need to put me energy into creating.  I’m working to pay taxes and grocery bills and utilities that continually go up while my salary doesn’t because it’s based on one person’s opinion of my performance.  And I’m tired of people being able to dictate what I have in my life, telling me I need to work harder, that I need to give up more time, that I need to hand over more of the money I earned for whatever bullshit reason they come up with.  See, I didn’t mean I don’t want my home, that I don’t want my books, my family, my animals, the actual things I like doing—no, I’m tired of feeling this revolution in my heart and not being able to do anything about it.  I have so much anger and I’m tired of trying to keep it bottled in and keep up with those around me.  I want to live my own life at my own pace and do the things I love with the people I love.  That’s what I need to focus on.   

Today I am grateful for love, family, and friendship.  As I’ve spoken about growth and time, I know that the people around us and how we share that time together is the most important thing.  I am so fortunate to have a group of people to support me (even if I will stubbornly do it on my own) and people I can learn from and rely on.  Community is important, sense of self is important, and finding the group of people who support and love who we really are is essential.  As much as I’ve struggled with imperfection, anxiety, OCD, more anxiety, self-doubt, whatever it is, I still have a group of people to support me when I need them.  That is a blessing.  I am grateful to be a mother, to have my mother, and to be surrounded by all types of mothers to help me get through this crazy life.  Support is so important and I am blessed to have that in my life. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.