I was scrolling through IG the other day and I came across an old friend and former colleague.  This woman has always been so confident and I used to be a little intimidated by her.  She held herself to a standard about how she wanted to look, how she wanted her life to look, the things she wanted to experience, and the things she wanted to build.  She has gone after every one of them and has achieved every one of her goals.  I’m not saying her life is perfect, this isn’t just the social media comparison, but I found myself thinking deeply about how she got there.  It was from the support she has in her life, the team she has around her, the family and the love.  She was able to find clarity in who she is because she was supported no matter what her choice was.  Maybe that’s the lesson I need to remember for my son.  No matter what, just support him.  I know that I am still in the process of building my community, my network, and there are moments it’s scary.  I’ve been trying to be a certain way for so long, trying to project an image instead of simply being. And now I’m at the precipice of something potentially great and I find myself asking for clarity, to determine what it is I actually want.  Is this about proving a point? Is this something I actually want?

One thing I noticed about my friend is that she never second guesses herself.  If she wants something she goes for it and she doesn’t look back.  I stay fixated on where it went wrong.  She also relies on the people around her—she can count on them.  Generationally, in my family that isn’t how it works.  We’ve been raised to do it on our own.  I don’t know if that is a remnant of shame and trying to prove our worth, that if we do it on our own we have this perception that we somehow made past mistakes better.  I see how all the way from my grandmother we were always trying to prove we were worth something.  We were always out of place, out of time and trying to prove that we belonged.  She passed that to my mother and my mother’s humanity was condemned because of what that would do to her mother.  Mistakes became life sentences and we lamented that things didn’t go our way.  The rest was so out of control that we wanted to make sure that things looked perfect.  So the work is about acceptance and building support.

I know that I need to break some habits and allow people in more.  I need to trust that I am supported.  I also need to maintain boundaries and clear direction.  I allow myself to take on too much and to get too distracted.  I have to stick with what I know I want and allow the people who are supposed to be in my life, into my life.  I need to trust my instincts to know myself enough to do what I want.  I need less of what I should do and more of what feels right to me.  It’s a hard transition and I do spend too much time worried about what people think of me.  Like if I walk away they will say it’s my fault and that I couldn’t hack it.  But does it matter if that’s what they think?  I need to focus on what makes me happy and finding a better fit for me rather than trying to make me fit in their mold.  I want the exterior of my life to match the vision I have of myself and what I feel inside.  I am who I am and I can’t experience the greatness of my life if I’m trying to be someone else.  See it, believe it, do it.  Take the option when it comes our way and enjoy it.