I realized that some of the anxiety from Sunday was not knowing what’s coming next in my career.  I have this vision of what I want to do but it isn’t quite coming together.  I still don’t fully trust myself or that I will get what I want.  Maybe my vision is quite clear enough.  But I know the anxiety was from things not going as I expected and then having to deal with the same routine the following day—waking up and having to do it again, face it again, because I don’t have an option at the moment.  Truly, if I want something different then I need to do something different but I don’t know exactly what that is.  I want to have this insane freedom to not worry about the things in life that I worry about now.  Finances, relationships, trust, joy, spending time how I want, being healthy.  I can see all of that but I’m not quite sure how to make it all happen.  I need to stop self-sabotaging and trust my instincts.  I’ve been really good about that for a while and then I get to this point where I don’t know what to do next because the expectation of the following day is the same as it always was—I find myself dependent on what I hate.  But at the same time I know things are unfolding at work as well and there is a lot of potential to have a single focus again.  I can make it happen.  So what now?

As I spoke about yesterday, I know it’s a matter of slowing down enough to be present and acknowledge what I really want in life.  To take the chances on what feels good and take the opportunities that come my way.  I’ve been around so many people who have used me for so long and so many people who distract me away from what really matters that finding and following my instinct is still a challenge at times.  Even if I’ve started to adapt to it and do it that way for a while, it’s hard to keep it up at a certain point.  Again, I need to stop self-sabotaging because it’s falling to a familiar behavior.  What feels familiar and safe is the same pattern I’ve repeated over and over again and it doesn’t get me where I need to be.  It keeps me further from the life I’m trying to create.  So instead of getting frustrated when things seem to be taking too long, just breathe and enjoy the moment.  We were in a really cool place yesterday—seeing some awesome stores and then having a nice ice cream.  There was no reason to not fully immerse and enjoy it.  I know I may have seen something other than fear had I just let go and trusted that all would be well in the moment.  And there were beautiful moments.  Seeing my friend able to walk and have fun in the stores, seeing my son enjoy his first dipped cone, seeing him enjoy being at the mall for the first time and all of the different places and activities he could do. We had a great time. 

So now it is a practice of surrender. Allowing the moment to be what it is and seeing/feeling the beauty of flow.  Life is a series of moments and no it doesn’t always go how we want.  But it isn’t just about getting what we want, it’s about enjoying the magic of where we are when we are there. Stop looking to the future and hoping for something different.  Just be where we are exactly at the time we are there.  If we are to express faith and believe everything happens for a reason then we need to trust that the delays are for a reason as well, that the detours are all part of the plan, that people come into our lives to teach us no matter what the lesson is.  When we are calm and present we see things differently than we would if we are fearful and trying to control things.  We see it for what it is, and life is beautiful.  No, it isn’t perfect but that isn’t the goal. Let go of our training and belief that we need to be perfect or that we need to show off how successful we are, let go of the ideas of what success is and do what feels right because if we can live a life we are proud of, a life we enjoy, that is the greatest success in the world.