Decide what you want. Make a plan and work on that shit every single day. No exceptions, no excuses. If we want to move the needle then we have to embrace the entirety of who we are and the responsibility for that version of ourselves. It’s that simple. We tend to overcomplicate it because we are trained to think that there are only certain ways to survive or thrive in this world. More often than not we get caught in survival, believing that’s how this life is meant to be. Or we feel comfortable there. But the choice is always ours. We get to decide who we are and where we go. So make a choice and focus on that every day. Work toward that every day. 1% better, 1% more, 1% closer, and 1% shifted toward the outcome we want every day. Over time that turns into exactly what we are looking for and suddenly the life we’ve dreamt of is here. Live now by creating what we are searching for. Allow our feelings to guide us to that version and live the most authentic, purposeful, and lively way we can possibly thing of. Enjoy it all, create it all.
“Step out of the history that is holding you back. Step into the new story you are willing to create,” Oprah. This is a quick affirmation of what we discussed yesterday. When we hold onto the weight of an identity we created because that is what we know, we will only ever be able to operate from that. We tell ourselves the same thing over and over again and that is what we come to believe, feel, and then experience. We can allow our history to be the thing that keeps us trapped or we can use it as a platform to rise above. If what we’ve done led us somewhere further from where we need to be, it makes no sense to keep going in the same direction. It doesn’t necessarily mean turn back either, but it is an indicator that we need to shift the path. We will only ever get what we believe we are worthy of and what we take action on. It’s only with new patterns, thoughts, and actions that we will see new results. The same story gets us the same results—we know exactly what comes next. It’s literally like re-reading the same page over a thousand times instead of moving through the book. We spent all that time reading but it got us nowhere.
Don’t’ spend our lives like that. We are meant to take in and read the entire story. More importantly, we are meant to create the story. We aren’t merely reading someone else’s book, we are creating our own. There is immense power in that because we can create anything we want to. The key is to find what our hearts are already telling us and to follow that. This life is a gift and we have unique stories, voices, feelings, thoughts, and beliefs for a reason. There is no need to hide behind a false narrative—that becomes a burden to keep anyway. We only need to share exactly who we are. If we identify that we are repeating our history then we need to consider that feeling a sign to pick up the pen and turn the page. I know it can feel scary to bear the burden of what comes next but it’s even scarier to know that someone else can dictate what comes next for us if we allow them. Stop that pattern and choose to create something new, on par with who we are, something that feels right. Choose that path as many times as it takes to steer us to where we are meant to be.
Continuing on the theme of what’s holding us back: there is such a shedding of weight when we release the fears we keep inside. It can be very literal or it can be a feeling we have, a constant refrain or thought we carry about who we are. It’s the false beliefs we’ve trained ourselves to believe are real. Even those false beliefs can be classified as traumas because the brain continually repeats something, even something destructive, and it integrates that thought into what we believe we are capable of. That negativity is pervasive and it can take over our minds and energy. As we spoke about yesterday, we often think that is what’s protecting us but it gets to be a burden. As soon as we release the shield we’ve created, there is room to breathe, there is room to flex and move freely in our own skin. It is in learning to move in that state where we really develop our gifts and talents. It’s there where the things we are meant to have flow to us because we are in the energy we were always meant to be—our own.
As we continue to develop and evolve, as we resonate with our own frequency and energy, one more question develops: What is there to fear in a life that is bound to end? There is no other outcome possible in this universe: death is inevitable and assured. I know this can be distressing to fully consider—it freaked me out for years and it only reinforced my neurosis of doing things perfectly the first time around. If I wasn’t perfect I wouldn’t do it, if I didn’t get it right I punished myself. The reality is that the more time we spend trying to be perfect, the further we get from being who we are. I’ve said it before: the goal isn’t to be perfect, it’s to be perfectly who we are. There is a transition that happens as we near certain points in our lives and we learn to understand that there is no reason to be anything other than who we are, that time is precious and that we devoted far too much time to being something/someone else anyway.
While there is this finality in death, it is also a great motivator. After a certain amount of time we will literally be nothing more than bone and ash so what do we need to worry about in the grand scheme of things? What is the point in fearing stepping into what we want to do. Yes, there are certain actions with very real consequences, but if we are only following our calling then we can never be steered wrong and we will always prevail. We are most definitely meant to succeed in our own skin, whatever form that metaphor takes for us—swimming or flying. The bottom line is that there are both kinds of skin and one isn’t any better than the other. But when we judge a fish by it’s ability to fly or when we think we are wrong because we know how to fly and not swim, that’s when we lose sight of that uniqueness and we allow our true purpose to either become a burden or something to hide. Release the burden and allow the inherent greatness of who we are to shine through, no matter where we are. The world needs us in our highest form—and that is the core of who we are.
As a kid I always used to try and sound or be like someone else. I wanted to sing like someone else, I wanted to dance like someone else, I wanted to look like someone else, I wanted to be someone else. I don’t know what it was about me that so deeply and innately struggled with even liking myself. I wanted to be accepted and I never felt accepted by those closest to me. I always felt like I had to put on airs and prove who I was—and I was still left behind. When all those people left and I was truly on my own, the real struggle began because I didn’t have my own voice. I had to learn to use it again. I had to learn what it sounded like to declare who I was/am. I had to learn what it felt like to stop giving into people and stand my own ground. I think that’s where the power plays came in in my life—I was so tired of people walking over me and talking over me that I became an aggressive control freak. It took me a long time to understand the point of finding our voices: it’s to learn, acknowledge, and honor our own sound. We find our voice like we find our own skin. As we get comfortable with the sound, we get more comfortable in who we are.
When we find our own voices we can sing our own song. Trying to be someone else and spending our time trying to be like someone else only inhibits who we are from showing. We hide a lot of greatness and meany people let time slip by them being who people told them to be or simply ignoring that inner voice that guides them to who they are supposed to be. The universe wants to hear us and all we’ve been doing is trying to copy someone else’s tone, someone else’s story. We do it to protect ourselves so the core of who we are isn’t rejected. But sometimes the very thing we are holding onto that we think is keeping us safe is the weight that holds us down. It isn’t until we are drowning that we can tell what helps and what hinders us. We need to let go of what hinders us so we can stop the struggle and swim. When we hear that calling, we know need to do something different. We need to trust that even if it’s different, even if it’s scary that we are meant to be where we are. Our voices and our stories are meant to be heard. We no longer need to hide behind anyone else or copy someone else—we can stand in our own power and focus on what makes us who we are—the things that make us great come from that voice.
We are given unique thoughts, feelings, desires, talents, and voices so we are able to resonate with the frequency of who we are in the universe. There is no sound like our own and even if we harmonize with others, we still have our individual patterns. Don’t lose that and don’t forget our uniqueness because we are uncertain about whether or not our true voice will be accepted. The universe can’t hear us if we are disguising ourselves. Stepping into our power simply looks like sharing our sound and ideas and allowing the beat of our heart call to and respond to what is meant for us. We struggle behind the identity we create instead of allowing who we are to flourish. Until we learn to swim we will feel like we are drowning with the weight we thought would save us—it’s not a life raft, it’s a lead shield. Stop trying to be someone else and simply allow who we are to shine through. All that is meant to be will come because it has no choice but to respond to the frequency inside. We are all worth sharing that voice. The universe wants to hear us sing.
For the moments when we have to find ourselves again from ground up. For the moments we need a reminder of our strength, beauty and awesomeness. From within shows without. Remember who we are—uninhibited, wild, magical.
The love we have to have for ourselves needs to be immeasurable. We need to shed, cast off the thoughts that people place in our heads, sullying the way we feel. More than love, we specifically need to know everything that feels good to us. The sway of our hips, the feel of our skin, the way our hair falls, they way we step, the way we stand, the way we sound, the way it feels to speak, the way it feels to be embraced and accepted, the way it feels to put on something that just fits, the way it feels to simply fit, the way it feels to sit in our own skin, the way the music moves us—and what music moves us, the way it feels to be naked with ourselves and possibly with someone else without criticism, the way we take care of ourselves and handle ourselves, the way we believe in ourselves. It is sacred—all of it. We know when we treat ourselves poorly even if we don’t name it in the moment. We know when something doesn’t feel right, when our battery is low, or when we’ve been a little extra hard on ourselves. We know when we allow the tension to spread—even if it’s sub or unconscious—our bodies tell us everything we need to know.
The ability to stand in our own presence and say I am fucking worth it all and if you don’t like it you can leave is the most powerful stance to take. The ability to walk away from those who do anything to cause us harm, the ability to stand up for ourselves and use our own voice. Confidence allows us to declare without yelling who we are and what we stand for and then only accept that. It allows us to sing our own song It allows us to shed what no longer suits us and become the greatest versions of ourselves. Falling into those habits is all too easy when we aren’t in the right frame of mind or surrounded by the right people—confidence allows us to respectfully separate from those how don’t support us. The love and confidence we have for ourselves stems from massive belief in who we are. We believe in ourselves by trying new things and learning what we like and what we are capable of. And we do all of that by shutting out the world and learning to be still with ourselves. This cyclical pattern of finding and becoming and loving/embracing and accepting ourselves is how we evolve.
Today I am grateful for a new perception. We all have moments when we think we understand something and then find out it was the complete opposite. Sometimes our perception tells us that we are doing something wrong because it doesn’t feel right. Sometimes our perception is right on but we deny it in hopes something else comes through or because we don’t feel comfortable dealing with the situation. But when the perception changes toward truth, or uncovering a truth we’ve know and felt, then that is the most freeing situation we can be in. When reality changes and it’s something your gut has been telling you, you have no choice but to listen. I’m grateful to have understood my gut. I see those around me uncomfortable trying to maintain what they always did when the entire game has changed. Now I make moves. One decision changes it all, one affirmation or confirmation of belief keeps us pointed in the right direction. See what was always there and believe it—they think they have you fooled but trust the gut. We see it for a reason and I am deciding to play differently.
Today I am grateful for fun. I’ve fallen deep in the pattern of taking work too seriously again. Things have been like a chess game lately and I’ve found myself more defensive than living and it was getting to me. It felt like everything I did was being watched, critiqued, and then cut down, that all my work has been deemed irrelevant. It also felt like unnecessary stress was put on me just to see me crack. I could only take so much and I lost it at home. And then home was rough and friendships were tough… So I came home early to start the holiday weekend and I spent time singing, hanging with my son, taking care of my animals, taking care of my husband and I—and trying to reconnect after the disaster of a fight earlier in the week. There are times we simply need human touch, to hear laughter, to find that laughter within ourselves in order to reconnect with our humanity and each other. I know I needed to come down off of the last 12 weeks of non-stop pressure to perform. It’s time to stop playing the game where I let people make me feel like I have to perform for them. I have my own agenda, my own dreams, desires, my own life—and I don’t need their permission to do it. So I let my heart sing a little and I felt better. It’s amazing what allowing ourselves to be a little freer does for the soul and mind. And the laughter card came out right after this.
Today I am grateful for becoming clearer on how to blend life. I understand how fun incorporates with being taken seriously. Actually taking fun seriously is a good way to look at it. When we dive in and entirely immerse ourselves in a dream or in an idea we learn the ins and outs of it and then we can seriously move forward. If we want to be taken seriously we need to find our passion or something that moves us and we need to make moves that align with it. When we talk about an idea it’s easy to let time slide and people see that we aren’t taking it seriously because we aren’t doing anything with it. So when we get behind our own desires and back them with action, even if it’s something fun, we make progress. Not that we need to prove anything, but that magnetic energy and understanding of what we stand for and our values becomes crystal clear when we act on it. Loving what we do is important, loving who we are is more so—and supporting our own beliefs is life.
Today I am grateful for evolving habits. I’m working on dedicating myself to a new lifestyle every day. I have things to learn where I’m at, there is no mistaking that, but I also know that is coming to an end. I am moving forward and building the life I want. The vision of what I’m working toward doesn’t include some elements of where I’m currently at. For the things I want, the type of freedom I want, the things I want to create, I know there are facets of my habits and beliefs and training that will not work. It’s feeling more and more uncomfortable trying to maintain those old things in the face of the new. As I’ve spent more time in the new habits and working toward what I want, the old is feeling less and less comfortable. I’m getting more comfortable declaring what I want and feeling what I want and then acting on it. The more things feel uncomfortable, the easier it is to let them go. There is no point trying to stay the same when our souls, hearts, and minds are crying for something different. We aren’t meant to decide we are one person and do that for our entire lives—we are meant to change as we learn and to grow. Allow it to happen.
Today I am grateful for small steps. I’ve had a habit/pattern in my life where I take a gargantuan leap forward and then realize it’s too much. The support I need wasn’t able to make the same leap so I find myself alone. I’d get distracted and go back to what I knew—and I didn’t like feeling alone on the ledge. It’s time to understand that the leaps aren’t necessarily working—at least not to the degree I was taking them. Small, consistent steps every day, reminding myself of what I’m doing these things for, staying on track every single day are significantly better than throwing everything away and losing our footing in something new. Take the gradual integration of what we know and what we learn and keep taking those small steps every single day. We can figure it out.
The cards talked about spending time in inspiration today and as I was scrolling through Instagram, I came across Chris Baron’s post about writing “Two Princes.” He says, “Other songs I’ve written…I knew I’d written a really strong song. With Two Princes I was just amused…but audiences really liked it. And by audiences I mean kids by the fountain in Princeton, and later the 14 people at early Blues Traveler shows in NYC. When I started working with Aaron and Eric they picked up on that song right away and…it became a juggernaut. Anyway, I’m glad I finished it.” What an unbelievable beautiful testimony to the power of following through on something that feels good, on following through with our gut, on being present and going with it even if we don’t understand it in the moment. When we follow those signs, those moments of knowing that something is fun, it isn’t for what is coming down the road, it’s a matter of presence and joy. Joy is the greatest inspiration. It’s the key to creativity.
The other important mark here is the idea of following through. He easily could have stopped and said the song was silly, he was just tinkering around. But when we follow through on something that feels right we somehow end up with exactly what we need. Baron ends the post saying, “Let’s have a good week and go after some goofy ideas, eh?” We’ve made this life so serious—not that there aren’t serious moments—but we somehow feel the more joy we strip out of ourselves the closer we will get to some goal. But when that happens we end up with an achievement and no life lived around it. Life is meant to be inspired and fun. We are meant to be connected to our souls/spirit and to each other. We are meant to listen to the sound of the wind, the call of the birds, and we are meant to speak that language as well. It’s the language of being alive, of presence. That’s what comes through when we follow what is calling to us.
We never know when those moments hit but I know I’ve heard/read enough from people to understand that it was in the heart of it, the sticking with it, and the follow through on what felt right that the greatest things happened for them. The “greatest thing” wasn’t even the goal—it was being present with what felt good in the moment. The world truly is heavy enough and we need to do our part to make it lighter—physically, visually, and viscerally. We need to put down the weight of the burdens we’ve chosen to carry, the burdens we’ve created and we need to feel joy. When we feel joy, we can’t feel anything else. The lower emotions can’t exist (or be expressed) while in joy. Sing because we can sing, write because we can write, dance because we can dance. There doesn’t need to be an ulterior motive, we don’t need to be the best at anything to enjoy it. We simply need to be present with it and allow it to connect with who we are. Allow it to take over. We never know what it will become—or who we will become because of it.
This piece requires a little introduction. These were just some thoughts I had after an argument the other night—and it struck me that we never know what is going on in someone’s head and we need to believe what they show us, who they show us they are. It also is a reflection that we can be with someone for a really long time and things change, the dynamic of the relationship changes as we evolve. That’s natural. Sometimes we react in the moment or we react with fear and it isn’t how we’d normally respond and it isn’t really indicative of how we actually feel. I know I’m guilty of that—heck, in the argument I know I was guilty of it then. The question becomes how do we discern between what is the person’s character and what was simply a moment that we work through. The initial quote came at a really good time because we all have forks in the road, and truly that fight felt like one of them. I’ve hit a milestone in my life and I’m working on changing myself for the better, on letting go of what wasn’t working for me and I know those changes are difficult for those around me. But am I going to stick with what is healthy and good for me or am I going to repeat the patterns and give up? I’ve come too far.
“When you come to the fork in the road, take it,” Yogi Berra. We all have moments when we have to make decisions in life, when we reach a point where we have to decide one way or another, to continue the same path or take something new, or to let it all go and start over. The premise of the quote is to simply move, make a decision and just go with it. Go with what feels right. Following our conversation yesterday about relationships and different opinions, we need to acknowledge that sometimes this is where we are at as well. If something is no longer fulfilling, if something is no longer working, we have to decide to fix it or move on. I’m tired of working to fix myself, the relationship, and him. There comes a time when we need to accept that the person simply will not or does not want to continue with us. We can’t spend our time wishing or forcing someone to be who they are not. We can appreciate the times we’ve had together, appreciate the lessons, and then understand it is time to move on. My pride has kept me in a certain spot because I thought I was owed something for what I endured. I thought that I was worth genuine change for the support I had offered, that I was worth what I was told he wanted. There is only so long we can believe that someone is who they say they are without action that matches it.
Right now I’m struggling with acceptance, anger, and resentment. I’ve sacrificed so much, I have endured so much with him—and now I have no choice in his decisions—and I’m realizing I truly never did. I’ve taken care of nearly everything and I’ve had to do so much on my own while he has fought against me every step of the way in spite of me doing what was right for us collectively as a family—and I held on because he told me he wanted the same things I did. I should have believed what he was doing instead of what he was saying. It feels like my life is spinning out of control when he gets to move forward and find happiness. I can too, it just feels so overwhelming knowing what could have been, knowing we were together all this time and he never really wanted any of it. That he stayed with me out of guilt and still didn’t do what was needed. That he still fell into the addictions and habits and patterns of the past and couldn’t stop himself. To know that for the last two decades I was tolerated and not loved.
As painful as that fork may be, or as challenging as it is to have to make a decision between options we never thought we’d have to face, we still have to decide. Life moves on and instead of one particular outcome over another, we may have to choose happiness. We may have to let the other person choose happiness. We have to accept that we simply may not be cut out for each other. In either case, no matter the decision, we have to give the other person grace and space to be who they are. I’m learning to be myself and I know that I’ve come really far over the last 45 days. I still have a ways to go but I know that this is a reflection of who I am. I feel good, I feel more myself. I hope there is space for this new person in the version of the person he is becoming because I still feel we have this power together. I don’t know what is coming down the road, but I know as I am releasing the old and becoming the new, I need to love myself, and keep the space and grace for myself too. I don’t have all the answers, but I know what I feel and I know no matter the outcome, I will still stand on the other side.
They say how important it is to have a partner that is focused on the same thing, that values the same thing, that has the same ambition/drive/beliefs. I can attest that this is true, that we need to be on the same page. Opposites may attract but in order to sustain a relationship and create a mutually beneficial world, you need to be working toward the same thing. If you’re not, it becomes disconnected effort and a competition rather than a collaboration. People whose efforts oppose one another’s only drag us down. This isn’t to say that our partners need to believe, feel, say, do, and think the exact way we do—far from it. But if we want a unified effort, we need to be sure we are on the same page. Spending time with someone who only wants to fight instead of finding a solution, someone who always wants to blame instead of face their own accountability, is enough to make anyone feel crazy and lost.
Relationships need love and support and care and growth. All of those things come from a mutual love and respect for one another and understanding how the other person operates. It is easier to feel those things for someone who operates the same way. Relationships can’t be about a power struggle where one person is working toward a goal the other one says they want but the other one is constantly sabotaging the other person’s efforts. This often happens when we fall in love with someone’s potential over the reality of who they are. The truth is that anyone can be anything but they have to want to be that thing and put in the effort to get there. If they don’t it’s a waste of time because we aren’t here to change anyone. As much as we don’t want to be changed, we can’t change others. Accepting ourselves makes it easier to accept others and to recognize when we aren’t accepted. Forcing someone to be something other than who they are (or being someone other than ourselves) leads to disaster.
Understanding that a relationship built on anything other than a shared vision will eventually fall apart is the real lesson here. In order to know what we value and what we need in life, we need to know who we are prior to getting involved with someone. We want to attract who is right for us instead of what we think we deserve—instead of settling for something. We need to see the person for who they are. We are all flawed, but someone’s character speaks louder than their perceptible flaws. Don’t ever take someone who isn’t already actively emulating what we value. We aren’t here to control the other person, nor are we meant to diminish ourselves. We are meant to celebrate who we are and we honor that version of ourselves with the people we surround ourselves with. If we don’t have “our people” (those who appreciate us as we are and believe similar things to us) then we need to move on. Forcing other people to change or forcing ourselves to be anything other than who we are isn’t healthy—we must accept, adapt, and move on.
We can be blind to who a person really is because we want them to be a certain way so badly. We tell ourselves that things will change and they may even tell us that they want to change. Words without action mean nothing. We have to ask ourselves how long we want to deal with someone who says they want things a certain way and then don’t follow through. What does it do to our motivation? What does it do to our morale? What happens to our future when we aren’t working on what we want in our lives because we are waiting for someone else to follow through in their lives? Resentment, anger, frustration. Life is too short to deal with that. Life is too short to not celebrate and love what we have every day. It’s too short to worry about our needs being met because someone else doesn’t want to hold up their end of the deal. Respect and honor ourselves (and the other person) enough to walk away and allow them to be who they are. It takes time to accept, but it’s easier in the long run.
I recently found out that someone I’ve been following as a mentor faced some legal troubles in the last year. They ranged from drunk and disorderly to public intoxication to physically assaulting a cop. When I first read it my immediate thought was that this person must really be that way—super entitled, demanding, overall a real bitch. I know social media and the like are all curated and we never see the full versions of people, but it no longer surprises me to find out that people who put on a persona of helping others or that life is perfect are truly jerks for lack of a better word. But in that moment of judgement, I realized something else: we are all human and we all have bad moments. Yes there are those who truly feel they are justified in making the world bow to their will, but for most of us we are just trying to survive and we all have a few days that we’d rather not share with the world. They are simply moments in time, not who we are. Our society is quick to let hard times define us—rather, we very quickly take someone’s hard times and make it define who they are. That isn’t always the case and if I don’t want that judgement on me, I don’t want to do that to someone else.
So I realized that this could just be a moment for this person as well. I’ve watched her over the last year and I never would have known that this event occurred—I found it quite by accident. She has referenced “what happened to her last year” a few times and I had no clue so the work she is doing and the message/lesson I’ve received from her is far from what happened in that one instant. Why do we feel the need to label a person by their faults? We are trained to find the worst in people and then label them as that. We don’t want the same thing done to us so we are trained to hide those mistakes and we treat mistakes as something to avoid. When we avoid mistakes we avoid an opportunity to learn—and we falsely feed the belief that we know everything and need nothing from anyone. We can’t discount the resources we have all around us, and we can’t discount the power of learning through experience—even if it isn’t the greatest experience.
Hard times either become a stepping stone or the stone that weighs us down. I spoke about a staircase built of our doubts and fears yesterday, something that can get us above water. Well, this is part of that staircase, another foundational piece that we can use to get us closer to where we want to be. We are really good at creating shame in our lives and carrying that weight with us forever. We are also really good at shaming others and pointing the finger, thinking it takes the spotlight off of us and our own self-defined flaws. We all do things we aren’t proud of—they don’t need to be a life sentence. We need to give each other grace for our own humanity, to experience the learning curve and actually learn and apply the lesson. It takes practice to stop that immediate judgement of others because we are so trained to operate off of first impression. I know there are times I don’t want people to take away what they saw in me that day, that I want them to think differently. So why would I do the same to others? I want to see people succeed, I want to see people thrive, I want them to take their difficulties and fears and use them to guide them toward their hopes and purpose. I want to cut the weight, not tie the rope—and I’d hope for the same grace for myself. As I don’t want one moment to define me, I won’t let one moment define others. I won’t be the foot on the neck of someone trying to build their lives, I want to give them a hand.
The Intentional Dreamer 