I didn’t think I wanted to do the work at the hospital anymore.  And the truth is I still don’t fully know if I do—but there are things that I struggle to let go of.  I have this idea (and lord knows I can hold onto an idea) to the potential of what things can be—so I don’t know if this is me hanging on to that or doing what I know is right.  Up until two days ago, things have been thwarted due to misunderstanding, ego, bad timing, and being in the wrong place.  I had begun making arrangements to move on and let it be. But when I found myself in a position to actually make a difference—or to at least suggest a difference– it felt good.  That feeling good wasn’t from ego-it was from a remembrance of who I am.  It wasn’t the power over the situation, it was the act of reclaiming my power.  Being a near life-long people-pleaser, it’s really hard to break the habit of doing what I’m told—and I work for someone who expects me to do as I’m told.  No one else—specifically me.  She often talks about how much she is a rule-follower, but she bends the rules as they fit for her.  So I’m often on the receiving end of her disappointment because I hold firm to my boundaries of what I know works for me. Recently this has been weaponized against me (I know you stick to your 40 hours etc.) instead of praising the way in which I manage my workload.  That was further confirmation the issue isn’t the hours, it’s that I stick with my boundaries and am not doing what I’m told.  

I’ve gone against direction before because I know what is right—not even so much that I am right, but that what I have to do is right.  A decision was made regarding a particular employee that I knew was incorrect so I did what I knew the right thing was and I was told I’m insubordinate.  The truth is I know that by the literal definition that may be true, but I wasn’t going to put my career on the line from doing what I knew was wrong according to our policy.  A circumstance came up to discuss an opportunity as I saw fit, a chance to express what needed to be expressed and to tell the truth about what I am capable of and the direction I felt this program needed to go in.  And I was heard—I genuinely felt heard.  What’s more is that I felt understood and this didn’t take a whole lot of explanation.  That right there confirmed that either I was speaking with the right person or that the concept of what I’ve been trying to put together over the years truly wasn’t that complicated—maybe both.        

Deciding to go against the mask someone creates is the next obstacle to overcome in situations like this.  People create these versions of themselves that the world sees.  Sometimes they wear it for so long they convince themselves that’s actually who they are.  In some cases it is who they are and they finally let it show. I’ve seen this individual do some amazing things for people and I’ve also seen the shift when you don’t do exactly as they say, or when you don’t agree.  She’s asked for action and then tamed it to be manageable for everyone else instead of raising the expectation/setting the bar higher.  It is a scary thing to go against that mask and being the challenger is a tough thing because you’re working against an illusion the other person created.  We can’t remove the veils from everyone’s faces—they have to decide to take it off themselves so when we start shining the light on things they didn’t know, it can feel isolating and scary because we already see something they don’t.  And in all of this mess, I can say that it is scary, but I feel more sane having shared my ideas with someone else and having confirmation that this is something that could work. Do I know what’s going to happen?  No.  But I’ve taken the next steps and I know that they will lead me to where I need to be, inside or outside.