Today I am grateful for feeling the actual change.  I’ve been waking up at 3AM to work out and modifying my diet for the last month (at least M-F).  This past week I’ve faced some really tough stomach issues to the point where I knew I didn’t want to work out and I felt like crap, especially on Thursday.  I told myself that there is a point where I would have to listen to my body and not do the workout, but until I actually felt like I couldn’t do it I needed to get up.  I knew that if I gave myself permission to stop for a day that it would be all to easy to stop moving forward.  As much as I hate to admit it, I need to be honest with myself and that means being aware.  Stopping isn’t a behavior I do often when it comes to things I commit to, but the truth is I’ve allowed myself to stop things that are good for me when it gets tough all too often.  It goes to the back burner.  And we all know what happens when we plateau regardless: we stop seeing results so we get discouraged.  I’ve also done it where I’ve allowed myself to indulge too much because I started seeing results.  But I didn’t do that.  I got up and I did the workouts—I did them slower but I did them.  They may have been done slower but I finished.  I actually did get sick during one of them and I cleaned up and came back to finish.  That is real progress—it wasn’t forced, I wanted to do the work to keep my momentum going. 

Today I am grateful for following my instinct.  Things have taken a turn in my work environment and not necessarily for the better.  Some true colors are being shown and I was faced with a verbal threat from an authority figure the other day.  In the moment I felt completely trapped, shocked, and completely angered.  The words themselves would never come across as threatening but the context and the manner of the delivery made the meaning crystal clear.  As it would happen, on Thursday the president of our organization sent out an email offering to meet with people at an open table.  Without a second’s hesitation I knew I had to meet with him—not even to discuss what happened to me, but to discuss the potential of my department and where we could offer moving forward.  The state of and future of the department has been precarious due to lack of understanding of our purpose and I knew after the threat I was going to have to do something.  So I discussed with my employee and on Friday we met with the president.  That brief introduction of our ideas led to a request for an additional meeting.  For the first time in a long time I felt excitement again.  Beyond that I felt power.  Not from my ego, but the power that comes from aligning with and following through on exactly what needs to be done.  I literally told myself, “This is who the fuck I am.”  I told another individual who was aware of the situation and they told me I felt better because I followed my instinct—and that is 100% truth.

Today I am grateful for reaching a limit.  Being under a certain amount of stress for too long of a time has absolutely had some adverse effects.  Everything from making it difficult to concentrate to physically feeling like crap—and honestly even a few incidents where I genuinely feared for my health.  I always knew how lax I was with my boundaries but I didn’t realize the full implications of it.  I thought I needed to be nice, to be amendable, to say yes.  What ended up happening was true physical risk along with losing some of my identity.  I didn’t even know what made sense to me anymore.  Working on taking back my health has meant understanding the limits I can push past/ignore and the ones that I need to hold fast to.  I don’t need to be afraid of anyone—we are all human.  My job is to fulfill my purpose and if there are people in my way it is time to leave that crap, all of the pleasing, all of the fear of how they think, behind.  I’ve been fortunate enough to shake hands with billionaires and millionaires and people who genuinely have power and they operate differently than those I struggle with on a daily basis.  If I’m trying to better myself, then why am I worried about those who choose to create chains?  I need to think like those who fly.  I’m at the limit of those around me and I don’t need to be.  Sometimes limits are there to show us that we need to pass right through them, and that we don’t need to deal with that crap-to show us what we are willing to deal with.

Today I am grateful for understanding my needs.  I’ve fought for ages to be clear about what I need and I have found myself in a constant battle expressing what I know I need and convincing those to help me get it. There comes a point where it doesn’t matter if others understand what we need, we need to know what we need.  That means we have to find a way to get it even if we second guess ourselves because of other’s opinions.  We have to trust ourselves—and figure out how to get it.  It may take time and effort and a few creative passes, but do not give up on what we know is right for us.  I got myself the help I needed mentally, physically, spiritually, and professionally this week and I see how having the right resources in place moves things forward.  While we don’t all have the same access, we have the same capability and capacity—and we are able to form our own networks or support.  And support is something we need above all. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.