I don’t know how the habit started but I often refer to myself as a plural.  I say things like, “We’ll see you later,” instead of simply saying, “I’ll see you later.”  It’s a habit that started several years ago and I think it coincided with the timing of having to do multiple things and be multiple places at once.  My subconscious was telling me that I was doing too much and that my brain was being split.  This society often encourages this type of behavior and calls it multi-tasking.  I complained to my boss about having to divide my attention and getting frustrated and she made the comment that the person who had the role before me didn’t have any issue doing it.  She also made the comment that my other coworkers also had multiple areas to oversee.  So I felt guilty, like I wasn’t doing enough and like something was wrong with me for not being able to handle all of that responsibility.  The reality is this: the manager before me didn’t have the same departments I do and my coworkers have multiple departments that perform the same function.  My departments all perform unique functions.  I’ve said it before and I share that story again because it is my testament to the fact that multitasking is not a way to be successful.  It does not make things easier or more efficient.  It creates confusion and lack of focus and more non-productive time having to shift between modes.  And frankly, it tears the mind apart.

The fact that I have been required to do that for the last 7 years along with having a child, I can say my brain understandably started having difficulty transitioning and transmuting information and communicating it.  The mind isn’t designed to have that kind of split attention for this long.  It diminished my confidence because nothing was getting done to full capability and it made me feel so stupid and worthless because people thought I wasn’t doing my job.  What I’ve realized is that it also made me afraid and mistrustful of my ability.  I didn’t think I could handle what came before me because I couldn’t see it through.  I didn’t think I could do the work or that I could understand anything else.  With this energy shifting in the universe and constantly being told it’s time to walk away from what doesn’t serve, I think it’s time to say good bye to some of those multiple pieces of myself.  I do not have to prove anything and I certainly don’t need to stay in a position that isn’t healthy for me. I am enough as one person and that person is trying her best to be seen for all she is. 

It’s easy for people on the outside to criticize and tell us how we should be all while never doing the work themselves.  Those people find joy in making other people jump through hoops because it makes them feel powerful.  They tear confident people down in insidious ways through gaslighting and fear mongering because it makes them feel better in themselves.  For people who are trained to please others, it’s a recipe for disaster because we tend to believe that.  We need to remember that self-loathing will get us nowhere, especially when it’s coming from someone else’s opinion—someone who doesn’t even do the work.  There are some people in power who have more fear than sense and they try to tear down those who think outside the box.  They think power comes from making other people feel bad—they gain energy by taking energy through putting other people down. So in feeling like I’m not enough, I had to create these multiple versions of myself hoping that one of them was good enough.  In facing the struggle with standing up for myself and being confident, I clearly see how this habit of plurality started.  I needed to remember that my worth isn’t contingent on what anyone things—no one but myself.  It is ok to set and maintain the boundaries that are right for me and to do the work that feels right instead of working for praise.  I am enough.  We are all enough.  Bring all the pieces back together.