Today I am grateful for (un)certainty. I’ve spent the last week doing an intense amount of healing work. It has felt cathartic and clearing on an entirely new level for me. I know that what comes next, tomorrow I am supposed to go back to a routine that I’ve had for years—a routine that hasn’t served me. Yes, that role has given me a home, food, clothing, a few extras for myself and my family—and I don’t take a second of that for granted. But it hasn’t given me what I need. I have a full plate and I’m still hungry. I know I’m tired of mindlessly filling my life with things thinking the next new thing is going to make me feel better. The only way to change this is to change it. I know that I don’t have all the details of what this next/new version of me is supposed to be and do, but I know that I am feeling less and less of the pull toward what I’ve done before. I know the next phase is incredibly difficult—but I am ready and willing to do it. So I have a choice. That alarm is going to go off tomorrow and I can do what I’ve always done. Or I can change it. How exciting.
Today I am grateful for family. We are celebrating this Easter Sunday as our nuclear little unit. We had the entire family together yesterday and it was beautiful. The kids hunted for hundreds of eggs on my brother’s property, we had good food, good laughs, and a great time with family. We are never guaranteed another day, let alone another holiday (a year out) so it was incredibly important to be present and enjoy every moment. The more we spend time with each other, the more I see we are aging. I consider this a gift because not everyone is fortunate enough to have this many days. The family is seeing a lot of milestones this year—we have a 30th, 40th, 50th, and 60th birthday celebration. How lovely that we can say we’ve had this many Easters together? How lovely we can say we’ve risen again and given the opportunity to be who we are? There is power in renewal and I want to teach my son to never squander that. I never want to squander another day either. It’s a gift. Being with each other, being ourselves—it’s our chance to do what we are meant to do.
Today I am grateful for a sense of knowing. As the sun rises on this day, I am reminded how beautiful this life is and that making changes is never easy—standing up on one’s own feet can be challenging when we’ve been directed a certain way or expected to behave a certain way our entire lives. Not to get too religious, but Jesus stood for something many people didn’t understand at the time and He performed miracles that awed and frightened people. Regardless of what people thought, he kept sharing his message. I know that I will not be walking on water any time soon, but if our salvation comes from someone standing in their true form, their identity, I know I would rather do what is right for me than pretend I am ok with doing what others tell me I should be doing. We have one chance to live this life and we are given the innate ability to know who we are—for all the sacrifices of those before us, the least we can do is be ourselves, honor ourselves, and not be afraid.
Today I am grateful for fun. I love these moments of sheer joy on my son’s face. Seeing him run in the fields, between a small child and a teen, I realize how important it is to embrace the fun. Seeing some of the older kids trying to act aloof while the little kids were thrilled to find the eggs, and then seeing my son in the middle, not a little kid, but not a teen, just enjoying himself and having a ball was a gift. When he came running back with the basket full of eggs I thought he would burst. Seeing his face when he found his Easter basket today and getting the books he wanted made my heart so full. I love the anticipation and the joy of seeing my boy that happy. I don’t take any of that magic for granted.
Today I am grateful to be. As I mentioned earlier, this past week has been a lot of energetic, emotional, and spiritual healing. I had been so out of touch with my belief, my faith, even in the midst of consciously working on my faith, I was still so far out of reach it was painful. I didn’t realize how much of this I still needed to teach myself. My parents never forced anything on me as far as belief/religion, and I am grateful for that. But I felt this gap that came from missing the point of source. I could preach all day about being connected to self and our purpose but I would fall apart when things fell apart. I never knew how to fully reconcile that. And I took time this week to understand that sometimes things fall apart, not as punishment, but as guidance. If I believe in that guidance for others, then the same is true for me. I need to go with the signs I am seeing. I need to trust and I need to allow myself to heal completely. Stop repeating the patterns out of habit and start something new, something more productive, something that will take me where I want to go. I am grateful to be me—and even if there are parts that still seem uncertain, I know that I’ve come to far to go back to where I need to be. If I am making this change, then it is time to make the change.
Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.
The Intentional Dreamer 