Today I am grateful for consistent application.  There have been twists and turns in my life over the last several months that have shifted the trajectory of where things go from here.  This isn’t that different from the normal flow of life but it felt different this time. It felt heavier, more closed in, and more uncertain and oppressive.  It felt like everyone around me was losing their minds but like it was the accepted way to lose your mind.  Me keeping any sort of level ground was looked at as outrageous while the behavior got more and more ridiculous.  But all of these things made me continue to retreat inward.  I didn’t know which way to go or how to advance the millions of things I have going so it started crushing me.  What I finally realized is that even if things (especially new things) feel uncomfortable all we have to do is take the first step—doesn’t matter which way, just take a step.  Yes, something I talked about a million times but never knew which step to take myself.  Healing is tough and that was the first area I really needed to address.  Not just allowing it to happen sporadically with updated reactions to the same situation, but to finally get to the root.  I’ve learned that I will not sacrifice my mental health for anyone.  I let myself sleep. I let myself breathe.  I let myself understand what it feels like in a different state of mind.  And I want to stay there, taking one step forward at a time. 

Today I am grateful for listening to my body.  Truth be told I have a lot of reasons for physical exhaustion.  I’ve been trying to keep the same things going, the familiar routine going, for years.  It never felt quite right.  It felt like something I had to do, something I got roped into.  Finally, my mind and body started feeling weak, disoriented, confused, frustrated, scared, and unsure.  Every sentence felt like I was saying something wrong—even agreeing with people caused an argument.  It felt like I couldn’t get the words out correctly, and when I tried to express my understanding, it was clear I wasn’t understanding what people wanted.  Soon I started to feel heavy and tired all the time.  Like I had to sleep in that moment.  Well.  This last week saw me at my breaking point with work, a point where I knew nothing will be the same again because I could not keep doing what I was doing.  After work on Friday, I felt a release.  I was embraced by friends and family and I simply had fun—we had dinner together, we laughed, we talked.  And then I slept.  My God, I haven’t slept like that in years. They say when you’re healing you will feel physically exhausted, and I will tell you it was an absolutely cathartic experience.  Trying to push through wasn’t working anymore, my body needed me to stop and recalibrate.  So for 48 hours, I did exactly what my mind/body needed and felt a healing like I haven’t in years.  I felt the weight come off of me and it was amazing.      

Today I am grateful for reminders and inspiration.  There is a girl with my business who has caught my eye.  She is about 20 years younger than me, appeared to be shy and gangly and uncertain for a bit.  Her videos and things she shares have always had a good point but her presentation is off at times and comes across as stilted.  But she has continued to grow, she has continued to press forward, and I’ve seen her taking chances that, frankly, I wish I had.  Now don’t get me wrong, she is in an entirely different place in her life—she has no children or a partner to worry about and she doesn’t own a home, so she was able to uproot her life and move and take chances that aren’t as straightforward for me.  I’ve been with the same job as long as she’s been alive and I’ve managed to work my way up in certain arenas, so yes, I can do what she does, but it isn’t as easy as that because I have different investments in my life.  100% that isn’t to say that I can’t change, it’s just not as easy to make that type of change with the way I have things set up—it takes a different skill to get out of this situation. The company had a major conference this past weekend and I saw her take the stage.  For the first time ever, I heard her clear and she seemed to have fun and she had a great story to share that truly demonstrated impact.  While I’m still not able to do what she said we should (for example up and driving 7 hours one way to see a speaker), there is a reminder: there are still things we can do to shift.  There is no reason to not follow this path and to devote myself to it.  I’ve seen the results, the transformation in people, and it feels good every time I’m around it—so, in the vein of healing, this is a step to take forward. 

Today I am grateful for finding center.  This isn’t to say I am centered—no, I am still in the process of that—but I have been firmly reminded to focus on what is important in life and to actually take steps toward what I want.  For example, getting healthy.  I allow a big percentage of my days to slip away because I’m working all the time and I have a commute.  But I know with all of my heart that isn’t how I want to live my day to day.  So I’m taking small steps to continue to say yes to the things I want to do instead of focusing on what I have to (or think I have to) do.  Being forced to be in a location for 8 hours a day when there is no productive work and then being ostracized because I’m able to be front line, then having 2 hours of commuting a day, all while being told I’m doing it wrong even though I’m the only one keeping it afloat is inaccurate and hurtful and a waste of my time—and a demonstration of not being appreciated.  This isn’t how I want to spend my days.  So it’s about saying yes to what matters and no to what doesn’t.  I don’t need permission or time granted to work on my health—that isn’t something I should have to “find” time for.  So I picked up some seeds to grow my own veggies again, I have the tools to make sourdough, I took some time from work in spite of having no staff.  I can’t lead if I am not well, and this is now non-negotiable.  It is time to take care of myself and to stop waffling about it.  THAT is center.  Living in a way that works for me, gently, authentic, that is center.     

Today I am grateful for protection and timing.  There are events in my life that I don’t fully understand what happened or why I did what I did.  I see those moments as times when I didn’t have enough trust or faith in the universe.  I feel a combination of shame and sadness at that.  Shame because I’ve seen things happen that I can’t explain and I’ve always gotten through, sadness that I felt so much of how things turn out was my responsibility.  That I couldn’t trust that being me would get me where I want to go.  We all have our journey and I don’t want to waste another second of it—I want to live how I am meant to.  As I share the reminder with everyone, I don’t need permission to do the things that feel right for me or to do them consistently.  There is no right time to be me—now is the time.  There is no right time to take care of myself and it isn’t something I should have to squeeze in—now is the time, and that is the priority.  While it seems a lot is falling apart, I know this is the universe telling me that it’s the time to let it fall together because what I’m doing isn’t healthy or what I want to be doing anyway.  Re-prioritize, be grateful for where I’m at, and take action on where I need to go (what I need to do to get there).  It’s all for a  reason. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.