Today I am grateful for insubordination.  While I don’t agree with the context of the word in this situation, I suppose it is the most literal definition of what happened.  There was an incident at work and I was given direction on how to handle the repercussions for the person involved.  I didn’t agree with the decision, and based on the policy, I stuck with what the policy stated versus what I was told to do.  The policy was stricter than what I was told and, given the situation, I felt it was entirely warranted.  My boss had been on the same page as me (the decision came from higher than both of us) but when I explained what I did, I was told she couldn’t believe I did it because it was insubordination.  I told her it was the right thing to do, her name wasn’t on it.  I will tell you, the empowerment I felt was immense.  As the week went on there were more situations I needed to deal with and they progressively became more and more difficult, so trust me, that “high” wore off, but I learned quickly how good it felt to make a decision and stand in it regardless of what I was told to do.  Some situations are very clear, and I understood we don’t need to muddy the waters with permission or opinions of those who don’t know the players and we can simply go with what we know we are supposed to do.

Today I am grateful for reading.  I’ve needed some escape lately and reading has been a wonderful place for me.  I’ve loved reading my entire life.  Whole series, new worlds, learning about the function of the human, the mind, the body, society, adventure, true stories.  All of it.  I have a large collection of books and there is always something waiting for me, some place where I can go and just be part of another situation, another group, another life for a while.  I’m incredibly grateful my son also loves reading.  He’s finally found a series that he’s interested in and he loves when we read it together so now there is the added benefit of bonding over words.  It’s a beautiful experience and reminds me of my mom and I when I was a kid.  She’d read to me and she never restricted me on books.  It was amazing and something I am incredibly grateful for and even moreso to continue passing on that tradition with my son.  

Today I am grateful for perspective.  I’ve been in my head a lot, running circles trying to find my way out of the circumstance I’ve gotten myself into.  We know where circles get us: not very far.  I liked to believe that I had options but I feel like there are certain truths I have to face at the moment, including what options are truly available. What habits I need to break.  That sometimes stuff really does just fall apart.  I mean, so much of it is out of my control and I am struggling with that in ways I can’t begin to describe in this moment, and I don’t understand the point of it.  But I can only accept where I’m at.  Even if it feels bleak—which it does—this is simply where I’m at and I can only hope that it gets better from here. 

Today I am grateful for disruption.  Truth be told, I’m having a lot of trouble this morning while I’m working through this and my mindset is pretty rough.  But I know I have to force myself to see some positives including that there may be a reason why all this chaos and disruption is happening now.  Things change so quickly, by the hour, second, and especially by the day, so all of this is incredibly temporary.  Yes, it feels horrible, no I truly can’t see an exit strategy or even a next step.  But I know at some point it has to end.  I know I’m tired of settling so I don’t want to make decisions from this place where I feel like I have to jump on something.  I also know that this is forcing me to look at things from another perspective.

Today I am grateful for tomorrow.  This weekend has been as far from what I needed mentally and emotionally as it could possibly be. It had already been a difficult week with high emotions, tough decisions, and dangerous implications.  It didn’t stop through the weekend in our personal life, in my personal life.  While I may not see a way out, I am trying my best to keep my head above water.  So for today all I can do is breathe and just be grateful for what I’m able to do.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.