Today I am grateful for (un)certainty.  I’ve spent the last week doing an intense amount of healing work.  It has felt cathartic and clearing on an entirely new level for me.  I know that what comes next, tomorrow I am supposed to go back to a routine that I’ve had for years—a routine that hasn’t served me.  Yes, that role has given me a home, food, clothing, a few extras for myself and my family—and I don’t take a second of that for granted.  But it hasn’t given me what I need.  I have a full plate and I’m still hungry.  I know I’m tired of mindlessly filling my life with things thinking the next new thing is going to make me feel better.  The only way to change this is to change it.  I know that I don’t have all the details of what this next/new version of me is supposed to be and do, but I know that I am feeling less and less of the pull toward what I’ve done before.  I know the next phase is incredibly difficult—but I am ready and willing to do it.  So I have a choice.  That alarm is going to go off tomorrow and I can do what I’ve always done.  Or I can change it.  How exciting.

Today I am grateful for family.  We are celebrating this Easter Sunday as our nuclear little unit.  We had the entire family together yesterday and it was beautiful.  The kids hunted for hundreds of eggs on my brother’s property, we had good food, good laughs, and a great time with family.  We are never guaranteed another day, let alone another holiday (a year out) so it was incredibly important to be present and enjoy every moment.  The more we spend time with each other, the more I see we are aging.  I consider this a gift because not everyone is fortunate enough to have this many days.  The family is seeing a lot of milestones this year—we have a 30^th, 40^th, 50^th, and 60^th birthday celebration.  How lovely that we can say we’ve had this many Easters together?  How lovely we can say we’ve risen again and given the opportunity to be who we are?  There is power in renewal and I want to teach my son to never squander that.  I never want to squander another day either.  It’s a gift.  Being with each other, being ourselves—it’s our chance to do what we are meant to do.   

Today I am grateful for a sense of knowing.  As the sun rises on this day, I am reminded how beautiful this life is and that making changes is never easy—standing up on one’s own feet can be challenging when we’ve been directed a certain way or expected to behave a certain way our entire lives.  Not to get too religious, but Jesus stood for something many people didn’t understand at the time and He performed miracles that awed and frightened people.  Regardless of what people thought, he kept sharing his message.  I know that I will not be walking on water any time soon, but if our salvation comes from someone standing in their true form, their identity, I know I would rather do what is right for me than pretend I am ok with doing what others tell me I should be doing.  We have one chance to live this life and we are given the innate ability to know who we are—for all the sacrifices of those before us, the least we can do is be ourselves, honor ourselves, and not be afraid.   

Today I am grateful for fun.  I love these moments of sheer joy on my son’s face.  Seeing him run in the fields, between a small child and a teen, I realize how important it is to embrace the fun.  Seeing some of the older kids trying to act aloof while the little kids were thrilled to find the eggs, and then seeing my son in the middle, not a little kid, but not a teen, just enjoying himself and having a ball was a gift.  When he came running back with the basket full of eggs I thought he would burst.  Seeing his face when he found his Easter basket today and getting the books he wanted made my heart so full.  I love the anticipation and the joy of seeing my boy that happy.  I don’t take any of that magic for granted. 

Today I am grateful to be.  As I mentioned earlier, this past week has been a lot of energetic, emotional, and spiritual healing.  I had been so out of touch with my belief, my faith, even in the midst of consciously working on my faith, I was still so far out of reach it was painful.  I didn’t realize how much of this I still needed to teach myself.  My parents never forced anything on me as far as belief/religion, and I am grateful for that.  But I felt this gap that came from missing the point of source.  I could preach all day about being connected to self and our purpose but I would fall apart when things fell apart.  I never knew how to fully reconcile that.  And I took time this week to understand that sometimes things fall apart, not as punishment, but as guidance.  If I believe in that guidance for others, then the same is true for me.  I need to go with the signs I am seeing. I need to trust and I need to allow myself to heal completely.  Stop repeating the patterns out of habit and start something new, something more productive, something that will take me where I want to go.  I am grateful to be me—and even if there are parts that still seem uncertain, I know that I’ve come to far to go back to where I need to be.  If I am making this change, then it is time to make the change. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

Changing and evolution are a death.  We experience the death of who we were so we can welcome the next version of who we are.  Our society is incredibly adept at distraction, making us think that we need to constantly be on to the next big thing, the next decision, the next thing to do.  We don’t appreciate where we are at (most of us that is) and we are taught that we need to be bigger, better, and consuming more all the time.  So when things aren’t working how they used to and we have to slow down, we start to realize that things aren’t what they used to be.  I danced in the in between for so long, between decisive action and hesitation for years.  That’s a dangerous spot as well because we are content enough to not radically change anything we do but we are unsettled enough that we know something isn’t right.  I danced there thinking I new the way, knew all the steps until the walls started closing in.  At first it felt like a comfort thing.  Like the outside was falling away.  That soon shifted to feeling constrained.  And soon the walls were close enough that I couldn’t move had I wanted to.  But I could still breathe, I told myself.  And then the roof started collapsing as well. 

That is what we call rock bottom.  For years I tried over and over again to create what I thought I wanted, resurrected out of the ideas of my childhood and the emotions/dreams/feelings/expectations of everyone around me.  Coupled with low self-esteem and even lower self-confidence, the only thing we know is what others tell us to do and when we are praised for that, it’s a dangerous combination.  The feeling of contentment and fear of the unknown are powerful enough to persuade us that the familiarity is enough and we are happy.  That contentment is a drug and it isn’t who we are.  It’s who we tell ourselves we are.  It’s who we think we need to be to survive in this world, a world that thrives on distraction.  I started seeing people as they began to awaken from their sleep and I didn’t even know that’s what it was at the time.  They were just doing things differently and it seemed like they were happy.  When we see other possibilities we begin to wake up to what is possible for us.  We have to decide at that point if we are able to let go of what we know in favor of what we don’t.  In favor of feeling something different. 

To feel something different we must do something different.  We must extend patience with ourselves as we try something new.  We have to accept that there are things in this new way of being, even though we may not know everything about that way of being.  We have to trust that it is ok to not know and that we have the ability to figure it out.  If all we know is that we don’t want to feel how we do, that’s enough.  We have to be willing to put the past to rest.  We have to be willing to love who we were and appreciate where that version got us, but we have to devote time to being someone new.  And it is a learning curve.  It is a learning process.  We don’t suddenly wake up and are 21, or 40, or 60.  Although at times it feels like it.  But no, we spent that time in between learning new things and adapting to new habits.  We accept the things we learned and integrate it.  So much of this is repetitive, I know, but change isn’t linear.  We progress and we go back and we learn and we try again.  We know who we are based on what other people tell us, and we learn how to be someone else to express our truth based on how we feel, specifically what feels right.  Be patient as we learn to be someone else.  Even learning to ride a bike usually requires training wheels and life doesn’t come with that type of guidance.  So take it slow but assured, and we can put the pieces of us to rest that need to be and allow the rest to come alive.  If we want to be someone new, we have to live as someone new.   

“The portal to every next level is through the parts of yourself that you avoid,” via awakened soul.  I don’t know if it’s ego that clings to this idea that we need to be perfect or to be perceived a certain way in order to survive.  There was a point when we needed to present ourselves a certain way to survive: if we didn’t appear ferocious or like we knew what we were doing, then we would certainly die.  But even though we don’t have to go through that now, we still have a tendency to worry what others think and how they see us so we put down and hide parts of us that we feel will get us ostracized or ridiculed or shunned on some level.  In hiding those parts of us, we avoid the essence of how we are meant to feel.  We avoid the lessons we need to grow into who we are meant to be.  I know I have fear around trying new things because I like to know what to anticipate and I struggle to let go of my controlling tendencies.  But in controlling or trying to control all the outcomes, I suppressed what I needed to learn to get through them.  It was a lot of energy trying to prevent the event from happening whereas if I had let it happen I would have learned what I needed to and moved on.

The parts of ourselves that we fear or say we don’t like are there to teach us.  They are a part of us for a reason.  We wouldn’t have it in us if we weren’t meant to have it and to learn/know how to use it.  I think as we’ve become more comfortable with the way we are told to do things or that we are told things need to be a certain way, it feels more and more necessary to hide those facets of who we are. But we can’t hide those pieces of us if we want to be genuine.  And we can’t fulfill our purpose in alignment and in the right frequency if we hide the truth of who we are.  if we are going to develop we need to face the challenges that will inevitably show up.  That means facing the parts of us that we want to hide, that we were trained to hide, that we feel we need to hide.  When we face those pieces of ourselves and we learn to love and accept them, we become a new version of who we are.  We are at peace with who we are.  We can only love ourselves as much as we love ourselves and we can only forgive if we forgive ourselves.  Life is a mirror so we need to accept and honor who we are so we can do the same for others. 

We are all human and we will all make mistakes.  We will all do things we aren’t proud of.  We all need to feel what we need to feel, we have to face what we think we want to become in order to become something else.  Accept ourselves honestly and wholly and face it directly.  Often times if we face the fear directly we find that it isn’t nearly as scary as we think it is, and it saves time and energy.  They say that what we want is on the other side of our fear.  I know with 100% certainty that facing fear isn’t easy and that it isn’t always clear why we have to have certain experiences or that the lesson isn’t always there either (or at least not immediately evident).  But the more we accept ourselves and learn about ourselves the more we are able to be honest with ourselves—ad we do that through being direct.  We need to be direct with ourselves and do so gently, knowing that we are trying to grow.  To give ourselves room to grow.  To give others room to grow.  So don’t be afraid to directly face who we are, to face those fears, and to release the parts we try to dampen.  The world only gets brighter by allowing the light to shine and that light starts from within.  They say if we face the light the shadow always falls behind us.  So.  Don’t be afraid of what we will find.  Instead use what we find to continue to light the way for ourselves and others.  Unveil who we are and enjoy every part of the journey.

“Knowing what must be done does away with fear,” Rosa Parks.  This quote applies on so many levels and I’m choosing to use it in reference to moving life forward on an individual level for all of us.  I wake up every morning with bleary eyes, like almost unable to see and this has been happening for nearly a year.  When it started happening with more frequency I told myself it was because I’m missing something, I’m not seeing clearly, I can’t see what’s coming.  It was an immediate knowing that it wasn’t necessarily physiological, it was psychological as well.  When we know what’s next, we do feel a certain sense of peace and certainty, and we feel like we know what’s next.  I pulled some affirmations and they were about merging desire and faith to take steps with certainty.  It’s the knowing, the faith, the trust that creates certainty and confidence and all of that comes from clarity on the what and releasing the how.  I’ve been looking for the how like it was my job to have all the answers instead of just living.  Sometimes it’s ok to simply do what feels right.

I’ve witnessed my siblings and their lives and how they did things, so many times not knowing the long term.  I’ve always looked for the long term, the possible pain around every corner trying to mitigate and find the absolute best decision before making a move. I didn’t want any pain.   In so many ways I still feel child-like because I’m operating on what is right and how I think it should be…and no one knows how paralyzing that is.  People see me as confident but that only comes because I have a sense of righteousness about it should be a certain way.  When it doesn’t go that way I lose it.  I have a tendency to not know how to cope if things don’t go as planned.  I created my own pain in avoiding it.  There is this truth about exhaustion from constant stimulation.  It’s too much, too much available at once, drinking from a fire hose all the time.  I wrote about being too stimulated the other day and color we crazy did a video on that today.  It’s too much.  How can we know what to do next when we are literally trying to breathe.  Always trying to be better, to be next, to do more, to be more, to consume more, to sell more.    

The first step then is to realize that we don’t always need more.  Sometimes we need less.  We need to stop and take our bearings and take in the simplest method of care.  What is the one thing we can address right now?  We don’t need to know all the answers because there is no way to know every step that’s coming.  We simply need to take that first step.  Begin.  Breathe.  And as we move forward the light begins to get brighter and brighter until we finally enter the clearing and can see our surroundings and understand.  There is no room for fear in that state. The light is too bright.  And it all started from taking a single step forward toward what felt right.  It isn’t about seeing the whole story—yes we need to stop and look at the big picture every now and then, but there are a wealth of pages filled with events from beginning to end.  Why are we trying to stress ourselves out figuring out every step of the way?  We allow it to happen naturally in some cases and in others we freak.  It made me a control freak, and losing control made me panic.  But there is nothing more freeing than allowing the universe to run its course.  There are answers we learn through feeling that alignment.  All we have to do is decide to take the first step—and then take it.

The timing of the universe is impeccable.  As I wrote the piece about my son and his revelation with the clay, I was reading a book where the character turns to pottery as a way to ease her stress from her medical career only to find that making pottery is her happy place, her true calling.  No, I have no intention of being a potter, but the message hit home in a very real way that I need to do what feels right, that I need to find my happy place.  The messages have been clear and repeating with greater frequency that the call of my heart is the way to go.  Have faith that I am called that way for a reason and that it is time to trust that doing what I want to do will get me where I need to go.  Trying to hold on to this way of life is constricting the life right out of me—it isn’t a life that I’m living, it’s a life that I’m experiencing.  Still.  I’ve made SO much progress and I fear where I may have been had I not started these practices when I did, so for that I am grateful.  But now I’ve gotten to the heart of it, the heart of me and that is simply that I need to follow and follow through on what my heart tells me.

We have children, not to control them, but to guide them and shape them much like clay.  And in that process of transforming the substance, we too are shaped.  I learn more from my kid every day than I do from working with some of the people I do.  I learn more from his openness and kindness and his love and curiosity and his joy than I do from repeating the same patterns over and over again—all while knowing it isn’t what I want to do anyway.  I have something that most people would consider secure and a decent way to live.  And there are absolutely facets of it I love.  But the truth is I never feel alive while doing most of it.  Most of the time I feel like I’m trying to not drown.  The most frustrating part of it is that all of that mentality is completely avoidable: we create all of that stress and I know it and the less I try to feed into it the more I am sucked back in.  There is a status quo that most people have with chaos that I no longer want to participate in but I am constantly pulled back in because I’m viewed as the problem for going against the norm. 

But when these signs are this frequent, this persistent, and this clear, and when they fall together like puzzle pieces, that isn’t something to be ignored.  That is something to trust.  Regardless of not seeing the outcome, that is something to trust and to follow with all of our hearts.  We see the way by walking, not by guessing.  I feel the call, I feel the tingle, and I feel alive.  The excitement and the possibility flowing through me—and whenever we feel that, we should understand that we need to follow where that leads.  Stop sitting and waiting for what we thought would be the perfect moment and simply start living.  Find the things that make us happy and do that.  The world needs more people who are happy and alive than it does people who are miserable and calling the shots.  We don’t need more ego, we need more growth.  We need more time with humanity and less time spent finding ways to improve it.  We need to remember that we are how we are for a reason and the world needs our gifts more than it needs our control.  I have little choice now but to follow, and no, I can’t see where that goes, but I am happy to shift because the known hasn’t gotten me where I thought it would anyway.  I open my eyes and take the first step.  What signs are you seeing? 

“Remember, nothing can hurt you as much as your own thoughts.  Nothing can heal you as much as your own thoughts,” via the innerguide2, awakened soul. Another simple and powerful reminder that we are capable of being the disease and the cure, that our minds are truly powerful enough to change reality.  We are responsible for the outcome in either case.  The ground we tend and the seeds we nurture, what we water, is what will grow.  Choose loving thoughts aligned with positive outcomes or choose negative, fear based thoughts and repeat the cycles of fear and failure.  What we care for and pay attention to gets that energy.  All of that work happens inside of our head and the brain truly can’t discern between something happening and something happening in our mind.  In that regard what we think is reality.  That means we can change reality at any given moment. 

We are our own best friend and worst enemy.  There is no one else on this planet that we will spend more time with than ourselves.  Our thoughts determine the quality of that time we spend.  External opinions, thoughts, ideas, expectations have very little to do with what goes on in our minds beyond the extent we let them.  Given the context that people behave and react out of their own perception and experience we have to truly understand that we also act on our own perception and experience.  With all of that being said, I understand how difficult it is to even understand that we hold ourselves back.  We don’t consider what we think is a choice because it happens so innately, our neurons wired to fire in that pattern repeatedly until we believe that it simply IS.  Developing a relationship with ourselves and learning to trust is multi-faceted and complex because there is such a breaking down of so many levels that we aren’t always aware even exist.  But there is an awakening when we learn that we have so much more freedom than we think we do.  We can simply stop buying into how things are, the expectations.  I’m not pretending that it’s easy because there are reasons we all stay where we are beyond simple familiarity.  I understand money, obligations, responsibility to others (family/friends) and that transition is hard.  At the end of the day the most important part is remembering that we have a say.

We simply start with questioning ourselves.  When we do things out of habit and familiarity, we can pause and ask ourselves why.  If there is no reason other than that’s what we know then maybe we can fill in different patterns.  Maybe we can simply try with one new routine.  One new step.  One new practice in believing in ourselves.  Through that we build confidence and soon we build new pathways in our brains that give us different options than we thought we had before.  Slowly our minds shift and we start seeing new possibilities.  We try new things and then we repeat.  This creates a space of expansion and growth and development. Allow the change toward belief and healing and the whole world shifts.  Try something new.  Try managing our thoughts in a new way and see what comes of it. 

Today I am grateful for consistent application.  There have been twists and turns in my life over the last several months that have shifted the trajectory of where things go from here.  This isn’t that different from the normal flow of life but it felt different this time. It felt heavier, more closed in, and more uncertain and oppressive.  It felt like everyone around me was losing their minds but like it was the accepted way to lose your mind.  Me keeping any sort of level ground was looked at as outrageous while the behavior got more and more ridiculous.  But all of these things made me continue to retreat inward.  I didn’t know which way to go or how to advance the millions of things I have going so it started crushing me.  What I finally realized is that even if things (especially new things) feel uncomfortable all we have to do is take the first step—doesn’t matter which way, just take a step.  Yes, something I talked about a million times but never knew which step to take myself.  Healing is tough and that was the first area I really needed to address.  Not just allowing it to happen sporadically with updated reactions to the same situation, but to finally get to the root.  I’ve learned that I will not sacrifice my mental health for anyone.  I let myself sleep. I let myself breathe.  I let myself understand what it feels like in a different state of mind.  And I want to stay there, taking one step forward at a time. 

Today I am grateful for listening to my body.  Truth be told I have a lot of reasons for physical exhaustion.  I’ve been trying to keep the same things going, the familiar routine going, for years.  It never felt quite right.  It felt like something I had to do, something I got roped into.  Finally, my mind and body started feeling weak, disoriented, confused, frustrated, scared, and unsure.  Every sentence felt like I was saying something wrong—even agreeing with people caused an argument.  It felt like I couldn’t get the words out correctly, and when I tried to express my understanding, it was clear I wasn’t understanding what people wanted.  Soon I started to feel heavy and tired all the time.  Like I had to sleep in that moment.  Well.  This last week saw me at my breaking point with work, a point where I knew nothing will be the same again because I could not keep doing what I was doing.  After work on Friday, I felt a release.  I was embraced by friends and family and I simply had fun—we had dinner together, we laughed, we talked.  And then I slept.  My God, I haven’t slept like that in years. They say when you’re healing you will feel physically exhausted, and I will tell you it was an absolutely cathartic experience.  Trying to push through wasn’t working anymore, my body needed me to stop and recalibrate.  So for 48 hours, I did exactly what my mind/body needed and felt a healing like I haven’t in years.  I felt the weight come off of me and it was amazing.      

Today I am grateful for reminders and inspiration.  There is a girl with my business who has caught my eye.  She is about 20 years younger than me, appeared to be shy and gangly and uncertain for a bit.  Her videos and things she shares have always had a good point but her presentation is off at times and comes across as stilted.  But she has continued to grow, she has continued to press forward, and I’ve seen her taking chances that, frankly, I wish I had.  Now don’t get me wrong, she is in an entirely different place in her life—she has no children or a partner to worry about and she doesn’t own a home, so she was able to uproot her life and move and take chances that aren’t as straightforward for me.  I’ve been with the same job as long as she’s been alive and I’ve managed to work my way up in certain arenas, so yes, I can do what she does, but it isn’t as easy as that because I have different investments in my life.  100% that isn’t to say that I can’t change, it’s just not as easy to make that type of change with the way I have things set up—it takes a different skill to get out of this situation. The company had a major conference this past weekend and I saw her take the stage.  For the first time ever, I heard her clear and she seemed to have fun and she had a great story to share that truly demonstrated impact.  While I’m still not able to do what she said we should (for example up and driving 7 hours one way to see a speaker), there is a reminder: there are still things we can do to shift.  There is no reason to not follow this path and to devote myself to it.  I’ve seen the results, the transformation in people, and it feels good every time I’m around it—so, in the vein of healing, this is a step to take forward. 

Today I am grateful for finding center.  This isn’t to say I am centered—no, I am still in the process of that—but I have been firmly reminded to focus on what is important in life and to actually take steps toward what I want.  For example, getting healthy.  I allow a big percentage of my days to slip away because I’m working all the time and I have a commute.  But I know with all of my heart that isn’t how I want to live my day to day.  So I’m taking small steps to continue to say yes to the things I want to do instead of focusing on what I have to (or think I have to) do.  Being forced to be in a location for 8 hours a day when there is no productive work and then being ostracized because I’m able to be front line, then having 2 hours of commuting a day, all while being told I’m doing it wrong even though I’m the only one keeping it afloat is inaccurate and hurtful and a waste of my time—and a demonstration of not being appreciated.  This isn’t how I want to spend my days.  So it’s about saying yes to what matters and no to what doesn’t.  I don’t need permission or time granted to work on my health—that isn’t something I should have to “find” time for.  So I picked up some seeds to grow my own veggies again, I have the tools to make sourdough, I took some time from work in spite of having no staff.  I can’t lead if I am not well, and this is now non-negotiable.  It is time to take care of myself and to stop waffling about it.  THAT is center.  Living in a way that works for me, gently, authentic, that is center.     

Today I am grateful for protection and timing.  There are events in my life that I don’t fully understand what happened or why I did what I did.  I see those moments as times when I didn’t have enough trust or faith in the universe.  I feel a combination of shame and sadness at that.  Shame because I’ve seen things happen that I can’t explain and I’ve always gotten through, sadness that I felt so much of how things turn out was my responsibility.  That I couldn’t trust that being me would get me where I want to go.  We all have our journey and I don’t want to waste another second of it—I want to live how I am meant to.  As I share the reminder with everyone, I don’t need permission to do the things that feel right for me or to do them consistently.  There is no right time to be me—now is the time.  There is no right time to take care of myself and it isn’t something I should have to squeeze in—now is the time, and that is the priority.  While it seems a lot is falling apart, I know this is the universe telling me that it’s the time to let it fall together because what I’m doing isn’t healthy or what I want to be doing anyway.  Re-prioritize, be grateful for where I’m at, and take action on where I need to go (what I need to do to get there).  It’s all for a  reason. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.  

Don’t worry about what others think of you.  Your greatest asset is your individuality.  Stay true to that and let yourself shine.  Keep the focus on the value you can provide/add.  More importantly, don’t ever let anyone tell you that you don’t have value.  We all have value.  There are enough obstacles throughout the day and we have enough going through our heads that we really shouldn’t use precious brain space worrying what others think of us anyway.  The more we know ourselves, the more confidence we have and the less we need to rely on outside opinion regardless.    

The other layer to this is that we can never truly know what is going on inside someone’s head.  Often times we think we know how people feel and what they think when they see us.  If we assume the value people assign to us it just makes it that much more difficult to create and become who we are meant to be.  Regardless, we need to stop being so fixated on what people think of us and simply be who we are.  We truly need to trust that the right people and circumstances will find us when we start putting out our most authentic selves.

At the end of the day if we hold our authenticity and do what we know is right then the opinions of others won’t matter.  We will get where we need to go and attract all of the experiences we are meant to have on the virtue of simply being who we are.  Additionally, when we know ourselves well enough, we just won’t feel the need to have that type of approval from others—and we won’t need it.  We understand thoughts differently and know that we don’t need to base our actions on what other people are thinking—and that we can never truly know what someone is thinking.  So take who you are at top value and keep being fabulous.  The world needs us as we are, not as someone thinks we are—that’s why we were given the unique gifts we have.  So just be ourselves. 

My kid wanted help with his legos the other day and I couldn’t do it in that moment.  It got me thinking about the times I’m not able to help as I want to.  The call of the things I want and need to do for my own sanity versus giving that up and spending time with him.  Believe me I know how quickly this time moves and how precious it is to spend the moments I have with my son, but I also know that those are the same moments I have for myself.  So it isn’t about ignoring his needs or leaving him alone, it isn’t even about honoring my needs—because my needs are to have fun and be with him and learn to explore my own options while helping him develop his skills.  I need to develop my skills in order to help him develop his…but it’s more about letting go.  I’d love to be there for every moment he has but it isn’t possible.  I started thinking that my role isn’t to help and do it all for him.  I need to allow him to struggle a bit so he learns to develop confidence in himself.  I need to back off and let him spend more time with my husband so my husband can see his abilities as a parent and that he is able to help around the house and that he has the capacity to do more than he thinks he can.  My role at this time, instead of thinking it’s selfish, may be to focus on my goals and dreams and my creative projects so I can bring that to life. 

In attending to my goals and working through whatever feelings, challenges, obstacles, straight pathways come up, I learn to navigate and coach and guide my family or whoever needs it.  My son may struggle with certain things, but me constantly rescuing him isn’t going to help him learn how to do it.  My husband suffers from thinking he will be trapped or that he is incapable of breaking habits and routines, but if I keep coming to his rescue, he will continue the same patterns he always has and we will continue to wind up in the same situations.  As a people pleaser and an aggressive problem solver, this goes against my very nature.  I’ve trained myself to hop in and make myself useful and give the answers whenever I can, never fully understanding the disservice I was giving people.  I just wanted to help and be seen as useful, to be liked.  I thought that by doing things for people I would automatically be included.  Life doesn’t work that way.  In the instance with my son, he truly needed me to step back so he could learn how to do it on his own.  With my husband, he really needed to learn how to take care of himself and trust his instincts, to trust that his efforts will pay off. 

I’m not meant to control anything except myself so in the grand scheme of things, I have no say in what my son does with his life.  But I am responsible for making sure he is able to figure it out, and yes, that means leaving him to his own devices at times.  I struggle because I know what it was like to try and figure things out when I had no clue what to do, what was next.  But with practice, that got easier and easier.  So much of life is about figuring it out, and for me it was figuring out that the right people will like me and that It’s not my responsibility to bear the burden of figuring it out for others.  There are certain things that, just because we CAN do them doesn’t mean we should do them.  We need to allow growth in all avenues and that sometimes means focusing solely on our own things.  We can’t always rely on others to nurture our growth, we need to cultivate and tend to ours as we develop our lives.  Sometimes when people don’t help us it isn’t because they are being selfish or cruel, it’s because they love us and we need to learn how to do things for ourselves.  We have to allow the same gift for others.  So, instead of immediately jumping in to solve a problem for others, ask if it’s really needed or if your support is needed.  We learn to trust that others will do their part in that way as well.  Through doing nothing, we find the way sometimes.