Monthly Archives: February 2024

Your Mess, Your Choice

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You are welcome to make the mess, but you have to deal with the consequences of it.  Your mess is no longer my responsibility.  Simply, you are free to take the action/make the decision but you are not free of the consequences.  This was one of the hardest boundaries for me to learn to enforce.  The idea that people in my life simultaneously needed to see perfection and not feel the sting of their actions led me to constantly be a cleaner.  Someone needed money, someone needed advice, someone needed encouragement, someone needed me to do the heavy lifting on clearing their space, or making food, or putting an event together.  I created this sense of pressure in my mind that I constantly needed to keep things smooth for people around me.  That the goal was keeping things flowing.  I didn’t understand that sometimes the rockiness in life teaches us to navigate better.  It also teaches people how to recognize what they are and are not capable of. They learn the lessons and develop the skills they needed.  Initially I thought I was saving myself because I wanted things to be a certain way and if the other person wasn’t cooperating, it was just easier for me to do it.  Kind of like in school with the group projects—I didn’t want to get in trouble for not completing something on time so I’d often end up doing the whole project. 

Truthfully, I erroneously expected a sense of gratitude from the people I helped.  I expected they would appreciate what I had done for them and hoped they would either return the favor or simply express some gratitude.  What ended up happening is they became reliant on me to do the thing for them.  Often they wouldn’t include me in the fun stuff they were doing, they would seek me out when it came time to work on a project that they didn’t want to do.  The same thing started occurring in my adult life as well.  My husband made questionable decisions at times.  My friends would insist on doing something reckless.  People would want to have a party.  I’d stress myself making sure I could afford to bail us out as needed, or I’d be in the background with the car waiting, or I would end up setting up and cleaning for an entire party because someone cooked.  I exhausted myself being everything to everyone and quickly saw that they didn’t return the same favor to me.  I realized that they didn’t need me to do any of that.  Creating a false reliance on me wasn’t the same as creating friendships—and I had interpreted their “need” was friendship.  But that isn’t how relationships work.

For so long I thought I was helping people and never considered that I may be hindering them by not allowing them to experience the weight of their own decisions and actions.  By rushing to clean up, sure, I may have saved some outside opinions on how my friends/family looked as well as myself.  I mean, I didn’t want to be associated with someone who didn’t follow through or treated people poorly or was selfish.  But in protecting them, I stopped them from being who they are and from figuring out what they wanted in life.  They never saw the truth of the work it took to achieve what they wanted.  It was never my choice to determine what they were capable of.  It was for me to be a friend and allow them to figure out what worked for them in their own time and in their own way.  I had to learn to cut out the reliance I had created—and I had to learn to dive into my own wants and needs and stop using the excuse that I couldn’t work on my stuff because people were taking advantage of me.  I had to face my own demons and develop my own story and I had to allow others to do the same in their own way and time. 

Sunday Gratitude

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Today I am grateful to be proven wrong and attempt to turn things around.  I had two pretty dark days this past week.  Things simply not working out led me to spiral onto a path I haven’t been on in a while but, unfortunately, proved all to easy to go down again.  I went to the depths of self-loathing and fear when all I’ve been talking about and working on has been self-love.  For a brief moment it felt like all of that work meant nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  I didn’t have any active thoughts of harm but I certainly went as low as not understanding why I was still here and that all the things I’ve been working for are against me.  I allowed myself to wallow in pity for a bit but something told me not to talk about it to really put that out there so I kept the level of the hurt quiet.  The next day I got an apologetic text asking for more time and another opportunity.  Something told me to go with it so I did.  The call turned out way better than I thought it would.  While there is nothing definitive at this moment, I’m grateful to know that there is a legitimate option for me.  It isn’t as bleak as it felt, and I know that this is still an area that I need to focus on healing more. 

Today I am grateful for reminders of faith.  As I’ve shared many times, I’m not a particularly religious person.  I don’t subscribe to one doctrine, I prefer to embrace the central idea of it all which is connection, compassion, and confidence in the plan.  But what I’ve felt as of late is a draw to a more faithful lifestyle.  That isn’t to say I feel like a need a doctrine to follow, but it is to say that I feel a need to surrender a bit more and let go of control, to honor and trust that there is something guiding me beyond where I’m at now.  It makes me feel good to see other people expressing their beliefs and showing living demonstrations of faith whether it is the timing of things working out, a confirmation of a belief/feeling they have, and what connection means to them.  There is something in it that warms me and draws me to it.  Perhaps it is something about the camaraderie and connection in it, but there is a security in knowing there is something more that we can tap into at any time.  It feels good to listen and follow what I’m drawn to.

Today I am grateful for what I can let go of.  I’ve been so blessed in my life and I’ve recently clarified that the things I want truly aren’t material.  My frustration that I felt earlier in the week stemmed from the perception that I wasn’t meant to fulfill any purpose as the steps I seemed to be taking forward toward my goals were thwarted somehow—it had nothing to do with something I wasn’t getting, it was the blocking of purpose.  The truth is it is a privilege to be able to let go of things.  To have enough experience in life that we can release what doesn’t serve us.  We have a surplus of memories and lessons that we are able to pick and choose from and if something doesn’t work for us, we can pick another route.  To be able to create a life that has options and choices is a gift.  Many people still don’t have that opportunity so I am grateful to be able to decide it’s time to release it, and more so, to choose a new path.  That’s a powerful position to be in.  Sometimes when we don’t see progress it’s easy to feel disheartened.  But when we trust and are resourceful, we see we have created a new way to get where we want to be.  Let go of the doubt and fear and embrace confidence and trust.

Today I am grateful for symbols and breakthrough.  I feel like a lot of the stories, feeds, reels that I’ve been drawn to lately have been messages I need to hear.  I mean, I know we are drawn to things that resonate with us, but this feels different—like it’s serendipitous.  Some of the things I wanted to hear and review later are gone so me seeing them when I did was totally serendipitous.  One of the breakthroughs I witnessed was about closing doors.  Have you ever noticed that the lessons we need to learn emotionally sometimes manifest physically? So in this instance, the person talked about how she constantly left doors open—cabinet doors specifically.  She said she knew that this was something she did when she tended to get distracted—the more distracted she got the more doors would be open.  While doing some personal work to get over an experience she had in the last year, she saw a message her husband had written on the cabinets as a daily reminder to close the doors and in that moment, she realized that was the issue with her past—she couldn’t let go of the past, the door in her mind was constantly open to it.  This is a metaphor I can carry in my life as well.  I relive the feelings constantly and Joe Dispenza talks about how that puts our brain/body in a constant state of reliving those moments.  In order to get past the past, it becomes a decision to close the door and learn a new pattern of thought. 

Today I am grateful to shift focus.  There are several goals related to this: 1. Release fear related to confidence, ability, and time. 2. Pick one area to focus on at a time in order to produce results.  When we spend our time focused, we waste less. 3. Don’t let old fears related to scarcity take over—don’t get distracted by what seems to be “as it is” and learn to shift focus to the options and understand that all is well.  4. Embrace the groups that feel right and the people who support me, in short the things that align with who I am. 5. Recognize what does and doesn’t serve the core of who I am and have the strength to stick to that, with out fear, shame, or regret.  Be in my authenticity at all times.  When these things are the focus of my day, it’s easier to shut out the noise—and there is a lot of noise in this world.  To humble myself and give up my time in order to learn, to understand I don’t know it all and that there are many different ways to achieve my goals—and to learn how to not take no for an answer—is a beautiful thing.  It is safe to follow our paths and passion.  That will take us further than following any crowd.  I am blessed to have a group of people that can take me that far and show me those options/opportunities.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

Fragility, Ego, and The Human

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The human ego is fragile, the human is resilient.  The human being doesn’t care for what others think.  Its purpose is to fulfill itself and grow and achieve.  To create and explore and have fun.  The ego worries about how we appear and what others think.  It is a luxury to have the time to worry about what others think, because if that is the greatest issue we have, we aren’t stuck in survival.  We often equate status and appearance to survival.  If we don’t fit in, it is a social or professional death.  Neither of those is life ending—it is merely the end of that KIND of life, or that phase of life.  We can always rebuild.  So many times life doesn’t go how we think it will—and it isn’t necessarily meant to.  The human body will survive being told no.  It will survive doors closing in our lives.  Again, it isn’t the end of our life, it is the end of that way of life—and that is a key indicator of growth.  The human is able to withstand so much more than we think we can.  So often we equate discomfort as a threat.  The goal of life isn’t to be comfortable—Gary Brecka says that aging is the active pursuit of comfort.  And there is truth to that.  The more we seek to make ourselves comfortable rather than fulfill our purpose, we lose touch with the ability to make our body function properly.  The ego tells us we need to be right, we need to be comfortable and we ignore the body screaming at us that it wants to move, to be free.

I’ve been privileged to witness a wide spectrum of experiences.  I’ve seen people living their lives to the absolute fullest, in the complete expression of who they are and I’ve witnessed the death of dreams, the end of a way of being.  I’ve witnessed people deciding to throw it all away and start over again.  I’ve felt the calling to do that for myself as well.  I’ve also been privileged to befriend people who have pulled themselves out of the mud a million times.  They are constant reminders that, with support, we can do anything.  They are constant reminders that we need to keep life in perspective because things happen, whether we understand the reason or not—life happens and we have to deal with it as it comes.   I have a friend who has been through some unimaginable scenarios, and I’ve seen her smile nearly every day I’ve known her.  I’ve never seen anyone be brought down by so much still be so strong.  It’s not just taking it on the cuff, there is never even a question of, “Why did this happen?”  This isn’t to say that things are perfect—people with that level of trauma still compensate in some way.  My friend has a tendency to need to always be right no matter the subject.  It’s partially an ego thing because she feels safe being right and she likes the attention, but also a defense mechanism.  She can control what she knows, she can’t control what happened to her.  Plus a history of questionable decisions makes her feel like she needs to prove she is smart.

The point is this: the human being isn’t meant to protect the idea of itself.  It is meant to protect it’s body and live in the fullest version of who they are.  We are meant to trust that we are safe enough to be who we are because the world needs that—we wouldn’t be here if that weren’t true.  We don’t need to spend time protecting an image because we will never be able to control how people perceive us no matter how carefully we curate the image.  We are all subject to interpretation based on other people’s experiences.  It’s pointless to spend time trying to be a certain way or to try and control how people see us because it is up to them in the end.  We can let go of the ego and survive—we can’t let go of our being.  Success looks different to everyone because we have different goals.  There is no way to quantify or qualify what is the “Best” or how things should be—we all have different goals and definitions of what success is.  Someone will interpret what we do as a mistake no matter what so we might as well learn to do what feels right to us.  Let the ego die—let the fragileness of interpretation go.  Develop the resilience and the fortitude to stand firmly in who we are.  That is where true strength lies.  When we know who we are, we welcome all facets of ourselves without shame, fear, or regret.  We don’t care what others think because we know who we are and what we need.  We simply ARE.  At that stage we no longer need ego.  We just need to be—and it doesn’t have to look how others say it should.  Welcome it all, dive all in, be all that we are.    

The Power of Design

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“Remember you are the designer, curator and architect of your life and you always have the power to rearrange, alter, and dictate how you want it to look,” unknown.  When we understand the power we actually have in this life, it can be overwhelming and even frightening.  There is also great joy in it but, especially in Western society, we are trained to fear responsibility. We are taught it’s dangerous to go out on our own and take those kinds of chances, that things like that only pan out for certain people under certain circumstances.  We all have the power and the only thing that we need to know is that keeping us blind to it is intentional and other people benefit from it.  That’s enough for me to start taking action to rearrange my life and who has access to me—that’s something we always have control over.  As we learn to accept who we are, to accept the position we are in, to accept the responsibility for our roles in getting where we are, it’s easier to see that we have the power to change it moving forward.  We can be very intentional and specific with the life we want—we just have to be bold enough to act on it.

I’ve talked about it a bunch of times here—life isn’t meant to be stagnant.  We aren’t meant to decide who we are at 18 years old and be that person for the rest of our lives.  We lived with this idea for so long that we needed to know who we were when we weren’t even out of our teen years.  Granted, different times experienced different events in lives and they spent their lives living, not behind the screen all the time.  But so much can happen in 1, 5, 10, 15 years—at any time. Things can happen in the blink of an eye and suddenly all the rules change.  We have new information to make decisions with and we need to integrate it because it doesn’t agree with what we already know.  That’s ok.  We are meant to challenge ourselves and to grow and we need to leave room for those adaptations in our lives.  Being rigid makes us brittle.  We also have the ability to simply decide that something isn’t working for us and change it.  If it no longer serves or feels right, we have the ability to shift focus and change what we are doing.

We don’t always need a life altering reason for things to change—sometimes we want to be the ones altering our lives and we decide to do something different.  Commitment and follow through are key.  If we decide to make a change and we stop half-way through the process, we will be disappointed because the effort doesn’t yield the result.  When we confuse the universe, the work doesn’t get done.  In order to design and curate our lives, we need to be clear and decisive and we have to do the work to bring it to life.  No, we don’t always have to know the how, but we certainly have to put in the effort.  We do that by continually making decisions that support our choices.  We are gifted with the ability to have some say in what we want in life—all we have to do is decide and do what it takes to make it happen.  Our lives can look drastically different if we want them to.  The choice is always ours.

Ride The Wave

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“I regret making the mistake of not riding the wave when it comes. I didn’t realize that I was behind the wheel,” Jennifer Coolidge.  Sometimes we forget that we are in control, that we have the power to decide which direction we go.  When things come our way that feel too good to be true or that we aren’t sure if they are really for us, we have a tendency to shy away.  We are meant to lean into life and to enjoy the moment.  To immerse ourselves instead of merely wading.  Life is filled with peaks and valleys, ebbs and flows, the waves and the pull of the tide—this is simply the cycle and way of life.  It can be scary in those high moments because we aren’t sure how to handle that position, but the beauty of that position is that we can see everything around us.  We can see for miles—all it took was a new vantage point.  At that point it can still be hard to accept where we are at because we aren’t comfortable with that position.  Many of us are so accustomed to the climb that we don’t know how to rest at the top.  It takes time and practice to acclimate to it.

As someone who spent my life trying to make the waves happen because I didn’t take the opportunity at the time it presented itself, I wholeheartedly felt Coolidge when she said that.  I don’t know why my training insisted that the opportunities that came to me weren’t for me, that I wasn’t worthy of them.  I passed them up thinking that when it was really for me it would show up again.  Some did—many did not.  I spent a lot of years in regret but I’ve come to understand that this is part of my lesson as well.  I had to learn my worth in order to not sacrifice the things meant for me.  To not give up the chances to help others with what I know.  To not give up the chances for fun and to lean into life.  To learn how to ride the wave.  To enjoy the success at the top—and to orient myself to what that feels like so it became the natural state over struggle. 

As Coolidge states, she was behind the wheel.  Life can feel predatory at times because there is always someone who benefits from our naïveté or our lack of confidence.  Once we realize that we have the power to remove ourselves from that scenario, we see how much control we have over our decisions.  No, we don’t always have a say in what happens to us but we always have a say in how we handle it.  We always have a say in the choices we make given the circumstances.  When we have the high ground it’s an opportunity to see things in a new way and we can trust that if we got there, if we did the work. then we are supposed to be there.  We also need to understand that we don’t need to constantly be striving for the higher peaks—we can observe for a minute to decide which way to go.  It’s all our choice.  All of it.  The most important part of the message is this: be present and allow the moment to be what it is.  We get where we are through our actions and beliefs so trust it and adapt as we get there.  If you swam out in the water, trust the wave is yours. 

Realistically…No.

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Being realistic is the dumbest thing ever.  Why would we chose to limit ourselves?  And why would we choose to limit ourselves to the belief system of those who want to maintain power over others?  Why would we limit ourselves to someone else’s version of reality?  Why would we limit ourselves to someone else’s limitations? The universe is literally full of infinite possibilities, we don’t need to stop or believe or support any that don’t align with who we are.  We can allow space for others to have those beliefs, but we can move forward on our own track and work on developing our own dreams.  In a universe that is so large/expansive that we literally can’t see the end of it, in a universe that has been around so long we can’t comprehend time, in a universe that has shown us wonders that make us question creation and the very nature of reality, why would we ever need to be realistic?  The universe is already a pretty unrealistic place. 

Take a moment to marvel at one thing at a time and if you can’t think of anything, let’s consider scale first.  Have you ever noticed the size of a Blue Whale?  An Elephant?  A Giraffe?  Have you seen the fossils of dinosaurs?  I mean, those were freaking lizards that were bigger than most houses.  What about the other prehistoric animals out there?  Megalodon. Mammoths. Sabertooth Tigers.  The fact that these animals existed and that there are still animals that exist like this (Narwhales, Walruses, Octopi) makes for a pretty magical place.  I mean, Octopi are freaking awesome, but what is their purpose?  To show us that even a jelly like animal with a bladder can be so intelligent it can escape whatever we put it in? All of these real-life things that are here and we can barely understand them—yet THEY EXIST!  Why wouldn’t we have our shot at creating something like that?

Now, consider the size of the universe and the fact that we are cognizant, sentient beings fully aware of where we are.  Not only are we on a floating blue marble, we have context for where we are on it, we have context for our position in the solar system and are aware that those little twinkly dots we can see with the naked eye are other planets like the one we are on.  No, life there may not be hospitable (or even possible), but in all of the places we can be in the universe, we are here and aware.  If all of these inexplicable things exist, then certainly we are capable of bringing an idea to life.  If there is such a thing as a man-eating lizard, or a means to communicate with anyone anywhere in the world with invisible wavelengths, then there is nothing we can’t go for.  It’s even sillier in the context of stopping ourselves because someone else doesn’t think it can happen.  If we are able to think it, we can make it exist.  Planes, trains, cars, anyone?  At one point every idea we had was perceived as crazy.  Imagine if everyone listened to that…no phones, no computers, no dishwashers, no heat/air conditioning.  All the fantasies of one time are a reality today.  What if we are meant to create the reality for tomorrow?  Don’t let the pressure to be realistic stop us from anything.  Believe it and do it.       

Captain The Storm

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“I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship,” Louisa May Alcott.  At the end of the day this is what it’s all about: learning to sail the waters of our lives.  When we are brave enough to jump off of the ship someone else is the captain of, we find ourselves in tough waters. It takes time to learn to swim.  When we wash up on land, we can begin to construct our own ship.  When we learn to build our own ship from the foundation of who we are, it can withstand anything, it can withstand the toughest waters out there.  It not only survives, but thrives and carries us through the waters until we get to the next destination.  And then it continues to carry us throughout our lives.  That is the magic of building our own lives: we know what we are made of, what we can handle, what we want with us and what we need.  And so too, that is the magic of learning to take the helm: we learn we can take ourselves anywhere, that our lives are our own—all the other players, no matter how good or bad are temporary—so that we are the only ones truly capable of deciding what we want and where we want to go.  Choose to do it, to trust ourselves.  We took enough time trusting other people to direct and navigate us, if we can give that power away, and if we can waste our energy doing what others expect of us, then imagine what we can do when we harness that power and energy for ourselves. 

I read something the other day talking about helping people in rough seasons of their lives.  I started thinking about these rough seas and the beauty of knowing how to navigate them is that we have the ability to help others.  We’ve all been through the storms, so we can now turn ourselves into the port for someone else.  What a beautiful gift to share with the world, with anyone we meet.  I haven’t always created a safe harbor for myself, in fact there are times I was the destructor.  I’ve learned that even through those moments, there are lessons that can help people because we are all destructive to some degree.  We have to destroy the idea of what we know in order to become who we are.  Sometimes even a dream has to die in order to let a new life unfold.  As we unfurl the layers of who we are and develop new skills, we may see that what we thought we wanted isn’t really what we wanted, or needed for that matter.  But as we learn to direct ourselves, we can help others find their way through similar experiences.  Sometimes I think that’s the point of rough seas: to be able to show others how to get through it.  We are evolutionary creatures and it serves that we would help someone do better. 

We can’t fear the storms of life.  There are times if we wait for the storm to pass we would simply miss out on life.  Life is meant to be lived—that doesn’t mean it’s easy, but we can learn to appreciate that sometimes we get the tough experiences to make it a little easier for someone else.  Life doesn’t have to be some traumatizing thing, some terrifying ride that feels like we are constantly dropping to the Earth.  We can manage those emotions and find the point in all of it.  Again, we are expansive, evolutionary creatures so the whole point is to grow.  We need growth, we need variety, we need creativity—and we are meant to cocreate with this universe.  The truth is that sometimes we can’t figure out what we want or what we need to do until we have to navigate some tricky circumstances.  It isn’t about worth or punishment or being dealt a crappy lot in life—sometimes that lot is actually so big and so broad that we need to have a deep variety of experiences to be able to cover the breadth of who we need to help.  I’ve been fortunate enough to witness people come through the darkest of days and I’ve been through some fairly dark days myself—for a long time I still didn’t feel equipped to talk about it.  But the direction of my course has always been to share this, to help others share their stories as well.  If it’s destined, what is there to fear?  As long as we can see something beyond the horizon, we know that there is more to the story.  Take the helm and stay true—keep going.

Perfect…

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I don’t mind if it isn’t perfect, perfect isn’t who I am.  This was said to me by one of my friends and it is the second reference to perfection in the last two weeks.  I know I spent a lot of my life looking to be perfect, to get the attention for being perfect, some acknowledgement that I was the best at something, that I was worthy of something.  That people saw and acknowledged that I was good, period.  But I’ve given that up to a degree and really all I’m looking for in life is to get myself organized, to get to a point where I know where everything is in my home, that I know where I want to go in life.  Having a direction and a purpose isn’t about perfection, it’s about cutting away what doesn’t serve that goal.  I’ve never been really good at managing my focus and knowing how to help people/when to help them.  But I know that I’ve crowded my life with so much stuff and so much emotional clutter that I can’t do anyone a damn bit of good anymore. 

My goal isn’t about being perfect either, it’s about being perfectly me.  It’s taking all of my talents and honing them to share with the world, to share my gifts, to help people be who they want to be.  I can’t be perfectly me if all I do is spend my time doing what other people want of me for the sake of being liked.  People change their opinions all the time so even those closest to me can decide they don’t want to be around me any longer.  All I have is the ability to focus on my dreams and taking accountability for them.  No one else will do the work on my dreams. My time is tight, I don’t have the luxury of working from home every day, having no commute, having someone else do my laundry, having someone clean and cook for me, having someone go out of their way to use their creativity on me.  This isn’t to cry victim, it’s to point out that setting boundaries with people we love can be tricky.  It’s easy for people to find who they want to be when they have the time to focus on who they want to be.  They can develop clarity when other people are doing the day to day work for them so they can focus on their personal stuff.

I’m not perfect, nor am I trying to be.  The misconception that that is my goal tears me apart and makes me angry.  Me trying to take control of my outer world as an attempt to regain my sanity isn’t being perfect, it’s organizing my life in a way that works for me, to keep my systems going.  I can’t thrive in mess.  I can’t thrive with only a narrow walk way through my house.  I can’t thrive with a narrow walk way in my mind either so it’s time to clear all the clutter.  If the outside is a physical representation of what needs to be cleared on the inside, then yes, I have work to do and I can’t delay it any longer.  I release the guilt of not meeting their expectations because there will be a point when these people aren’t around and I won’t know how to properly care for myself.  It’s getting my sea legs under control now so I can learn to steer my ship.  I’m not trying to control the weather, I’m trying to learn how to navigate.  If people can’t accept that, then they weren’t meant to be on my ship.  I’m done allowing others to steer for me.  I have a voice and I do know what I want.  Let them think what they will: I still have to move forward, with imperfect but perfectly certain steps.   I may stumble, but I will dance.  Perfectly to my own rhythm.

Sunday Gratitude

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Today I am grateful for a slap in the face.  Sometimes when we try to change we get caught up in what we are doing.  Especially if we have a proclivity for fixation.  I’ve been so fixated on the changes I’ve been trying to make that I haven’t taken into consideration the integration of it.  I’ve jumped right to doing and expecting others to do the same.  I’ve been scared about external circumstances I can’t control so I fell right back into trying to control everything around me.  Some of it is about me stepping back and expecting people to step up and when it hasn’t happened I’ve fallen into frustration and anger.  Other things are about not understanding where people are coming from, how they can forget certain things etc.  I’ve had some power struggles with my kid lately and I was just given his report card. He has done beautifully.  So much more than the effort I’ve seen at home.  I can’t get so caught up in what I think things should look like that I forget there are new ways to do things now.  Some of it I may not be meant to understand, I just have to let it be.  But I’m glad for this reminder that all is well, that I need to accept more. 

Today I am grateful for opportunities.  There truly come moments in life where the opportunity comes out of left field.  Sometimes it’s hard to see an opportunity as such when you aren’t expecting it to look a certain way.  Sometimes the universe gets creative, in my experience when I’ve been in some fairly desperate moments.  Then it literally feels like the lifeline is being extended—but up until that moment it can feel like we are about to drown, like the land will never be in sight again.  In those situations, we certainly wouldn’t refuse any type of help, even if it’s a piece of driftwood floating by.  We’d cling to it.  So we need to keep our eyes open and be grateful for all the opportunities that come our way.  You never know which one will be the exact thing you’re looking for. 

Today I am grateful for intuition.  Along with opportunity there are situations where our body and our instincts cue us to something going on.  Even if we can’t tell specifically what it is, our body’s are often aware of something being off before we are.  Sometimes our ability to perceive that issue is dulled because humans have great capacity to ignore their intuition and to convince themselves that what they feel is second to what they see.  Eyes lie, my friends.  We were given instincts for a reason and if something is telling us that something is wrong, we need to learn to believe that.  The last week has provided some interesting developments in my professional world, none of it substantiated, but every fiber of my being is screaming that something is happening, something is coming—and certain people around me are savvy/privy to information that isn’t being shared with the whole group.  In that regard, we have the choice to ignore it and take it in stride until the ball drops, we can behave as if we are waiting for the other shoe to drop (living in fear), or we can be proactive and trust it—dig a bit more or start making some moves to change.  I spent the majority of my life allowing others to decide what information I was worthy of knowing.  At 40 years old, that isn’t a game I’m willing to play any longer.  I have no choice but to trust my instincts, and I respect myself enough to know when respect is no longer on the table.  I choose to trust my intuition.  I do not take that for granted.

Today I am grateful for redefining my focus and efforts.  As the life I knew slowly fades away, I find myself diving in differently with this one.  I spent a lot of time curating this life, attaining the things I have in my home, the things I wanted to surround myself with.  Even the people I choose to have around me.  How I behave and eat.  Walking into a new life means I am on unfamiliar territory and I don’t always know how to behave.  I don’t know how this version of me reacts to certain things yet.  Old habits still rest just below the surface and I need to be very cautious and cognizant of what I’m thinking/saying/feeling.  But I am able to lean into that new version of myself more easily than I have before. 

Today I am grateful for the chaos and clutter.  This doesn’t mean I’m inviting chaos and cutter in my life but the last few weeks have made me look at it differently.  While there has been so much stuff around it was difficult to think at times, and it was also indicative of me trying to hold onto things in a certain way, the truth is there is something more to the clutter.  Yes, it actually did provide me some level of mental protection, a barrier and a refuge when I really needed it.  Then there is the actual component of having it: I’ve led such a beautiful life and I have been privileged enough to be able to accumulate that type of clutter.  I have created a life where I brought in all of these things around me through my own work and effort.  At each moment those were exactly the things I wanted.  Each little thing that rests here is a little thing I wanted to remember.  I am blessed to have been able to create the chaos and clutter.  I will never say it didn’t need organization, but the effort I put in at the time had a purpose and it was served.  I am grateful I was able to do that and still be able to redefine what I need. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

Spinning Out

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It’s ok to decide that we have to do what works for us, to make ourselves the focus when things have been out of balance for a while.  Because if we keep pushing when we aren’t balanced, when we are constantly pulled in different directions by the weight of other people’s demands (or demands of the world in general), we will spin out and fly off center.  So it’s ok to clear and balance and do what regulates us.  It’s ok to find the things that bring quality to our lives.  Clean it up so it matches what we need. This all means that if we disappoint someone, let that be the least of what we worry about.  It is better to disappoint someone than to live a life of regret. We aren’t meant to operate in the same way that every other person does.  The people who don’t understand us…do we really need them to understand or is it more important that we understand ourselves?

No one will read the inner workings of our minds any more than we can read theirs.  No one knows what our potential is.  It’s our responsibility to decide and move in the direction we are called.  The more we understand ourselves, the clearer these choices become.  That initial action toward what is right for us is often uncomfortable, often daunting, and sometimes even isolating.  That doesn’t mean we aren’t meant to do it.  Taking the uncomfortable step now can set us up for the greatest breakthrough we have ever experienced.  The brain is such an amazing thing.  Capable of creating and producing thought, producing emotion, even inspiring action…but if that underlying foundation is cracked with fear, uncertainty, insecurity then it makes it harder to shift that focus.  We need to learn to release the beliefs we have been taught and operate on our highest potential. 

Constantly focusing on how other people feel or will react is a waste of energy.  First of all, we can never be truly certain of anyone’s thoughts as I said above.  Secondly, we always have the choice of where we direct our energy—and I’ve learned that it’s better to put that energy toward our own goals than someone else’s.  This doesn’t mean to be selfish, it simply means to release the guilt when we have to do what is right for us.  We are meant to help others, but we are meant to help them through the use of our gifts, not through what they expect of us or what is beyond our capacity.  Plus the more we focus on developing our gifts, the more likely we are able to offer something of use to other people.