Last week was Valentine’s day.  It’s a holiday my husband and I don’t celebrate in the traditional sense.  Ironically, in spite of all the issues we’ve had over the years, we learned long ago that saving the love/adoration for each other for one day is dangerous.  There are at least 364 other days in the year (this year happens to be a leap year so we get one more 😊) so why do we save it for a single day in February or one in October?  We can express love every day—and we should. Even if we are good at sharing and expressing love throughout the year, over-hyping love on one day is also dangerous and we get skewed ideas of what love is “supposed” to look like.  People have different definitions of love which means they feel and express love differently.  Some people do like things more over the top and overt while others value the little things and quiet expressions of love.  Some like both.  No matter your preference, what we don’t need is a consumer-driven, mass-fed delusion of things to demonstrate our love.  We need to really look at what love is and what it means.    

At its basic level, love is a chemical reaction in the brain.  What it triggers in the body varies for each of us.  The chemicals of love are also wide ranging on their impact, whether it be mental, verbal, or physical expression.  But there is more to love than that.  Love is about connection and bonding.  It’s easy to misinterpret at times and can be overwhelming with its nuances and details.  But what I’ve learned of late is that we truly do need to spend more time working on loving ourselves—as we are, for who we are.  Self-love means truly valuing your own wellbeing and happiness.  It means showing up for and championing ourselves.  It means letting go of judgement, regret, and negative self-talk.  It means embracing our authenticity.  It means offering ourselves the same level of kindness, patience, and forgiveness that we offer so freely to others and maintaining boundaries that support who we are.  There’s the physical and mental component of this and we need to honor both.

The longest relationship we will ever have is with ourself so this means we really need to take the time to get to know who we are and how we operate.  We need to know what makes us tick, how we are motivated, and how we recognize and honor our needs.  This isn’t something we can do one or two days a year—and we certainly don’t need to buy ourselves candy or flowers to learn this.  It’s a critical component to survival—we find our groups that way, our people.  We learn to sustain ourselves and what we need to be fulfilled.  We can’t operate with the expectation that someone will fulfill those needs for us.  The more we take care of ourselves, the less we will need a day of focus on the overt, commercial expressions of love.  This isn’t to say that there isn’t value in spending a day like that, but it shouldn’t be based on consumerist expectations.  Take time to invest in and cultivate a relationship with the self because that is where we manage and navigate those chemicals that tell us we are in love.  Focus that love on ourselves first and we will never need that from another person again.  In short, self-love is the ability to honor and prioritize who we are without shame, guilt, or regret.  Chocolates and flowers only required if we are craving them.