Today I am grateful for miracles.  I spent the majority of my life trying to control outcomes—how things happen, when they happen, working extra hard to make it happen, planning every detail so things would go exactly how I thought they should.  I never considered that it wasn’t my job to do all the work for everything I wanted.  I knew with absolute certainty that I was responsible for making things happen.  I never considered that I didn’t have to do so much, I just needed to put the intention out there and enjoy, things could come to me in their own way.  Lately, I’ve had little say in things, some by choice, others not so much.  I see that things still unfold and certain events that I’ve been working toward are coming together while others seem further away.  The ones that are coming together seem to have little to do with what I’m pushing for and the things I’m pushing seem to run away.  I don’t know, maybe as I’m getting older I’m seeing things more clearly.  But I’ve been on the receiving end of seeing how things will come together or fall apart with or without our participation.  I am grateful for both scenarios.

Today I am grateful for time.  I spent the last week off of work and it was exactly what I needed.  I needed time to work on my projects, to center my mind a bit, to organize my life a bit more.  I did all of that and more.  I took my time to do things I love, to expand some other practices, and to develop some of my projects.  Doing all that work allowed me to prioritize things and come up with some sort of idea of what I need to do moving forward—or at least what I want to do moving forward.  I haven’t had dedicated time to myself to think in a while, I’ve just been on this hamster wheel of the same routine.  Doing the same things every day won’t get us where we want to be and that includes thinking the same thoughts.  Spending time finding things that feel better, that align better, that I can prioritize better simply made sense.  While not all the stress is away, I am certainly feeling better than I was.

Today I am grateful to let go.  This is a tough one for me and one I think I will be working on for a while.  As I said above, I’ve spent a lot of my life controlling the outcome.  If I wanted something, I thought I had to make it happen.  I’m not talking in the context of what I’ve shared here over the years as far as setting an intention and doing the work that gets us there.  I’m talking about putting people in their place and making things go exactly a certain way and if anything derailed, I would derail as well—vocally, loudly, and dramatically.  In the course of this week off, my son had one of the worst melt downs I’ve ever witnessed.  He had been super clingy and emotional and was for a lot of the week and it finally boiled over.  It was in that moment I flashed back to myself at his age and I knew I had to stop everything I’ve been doing with him.  I thought I’d been more progressive and attentive than my parents and here the cycle was repeating—loudly and emotionally.  It was in that moment I saw the pressure I have been putting on my family, the two people closest to me.  I had a wonderful conversation with my husband about it and I apologized.  I felt like I could see the stress melt off of him.  The pressure was unintentional and my intensity stemmed from having so many things I want to do and fear of not being able to—it had nothing to do with wanting them perfect.  So, presence is key.  Joy is key.  I have to trust more.  Let go.

Today I am grateful for avenues opening up.  I received an offer this week and I’ve been teetering on the edge of taking it or not.  This offer is something I’ve dreamed of for a long time but it isn’t quite in the package I imagined it would be.  Given the context of not forcing things to happen, this felt forced because it originated from my outreach.  Now, I’m incredibly grateful for it because it has shown me without a shadow of doubt that I have potential where I’m going but I’m worried because this wasn’t organic.  It took me digging, organizing a phone call, and will require additional resources from me up front outside of my work.  I wasn’t prepared for the terms of the return, either.  So this is an opportunity and one way that I CAN go about achieving my goal, but it feels like a moment when I also have the opportunity to get honest and ask if this is exactly what I want.  Is this exactly what I envisioned when I put this idea out there?  Do I want to act out of fear of missing out because I’m afraid to wait for my vision to come together how it should?  As it happens I’m reading Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself by Joe Dispenza and he shared the story of his daughter manifesting a trip to Italy.  She found an option of a way to get there that wasn’t quite right and he challenged her to align more, not to accept it if it wasn’t exactly what she wanted.  She did just that and shortly after the EXACT thing she wanted appeared.  So perhaps this is an opportunity for me to get even more clear, have faith, and wait for it to come to me with a more precise vision.  I’m still grateful for the option because the work has merit and I needed to know that. 

Today I am grateful for timing.  The last few days of my time off didn’t go exactly how I thought they would.  I ended up with a bit of a cold and was knocked out for a couple of days.  To be honest, most of the week didn’t go as I planned.  I finally gave up trying to make it go how I had thought it should go because I was wearing myself out.  As soon as I stopped all the doing and started listening to what my body was telling me, to what my heart was telling me, I started feeling better.  My husband and son also seemed to have a better time as well.  We ran into my brother and he was so happy.  He just happened to be leaving his house exactly as we were pulling up and he told us to come with him.  I easily could have said no to going to see him, and I easily could have said no we can’t go because we had just come from where he was going—but something told me to just say yes.  To just allow it.  We did and it was amazing.  We had a wonderful morning together.  Had we been a few minutes earlier or later, we wouldn’t have seen him—the universe indeed has its plans. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.