Today I am grateful for intuition.  This week has been remarkable.  It started off with a bang, tons of chaos at work, dealing with bills, dealing with the energy of other people around me.  But in all the chaos and energy, in all of the frustration and anger I felt, I definitely felt most alive and authentic.  The words I said in the heat of frustration were true—while the delivery was emotional, my emotion wasn’t in it, it was the emotion behind truth. Not to be conceited, but the things I said could not be disputed or refuted in any way.  I FELT it.  I felt all of the things I needed to be doing  including what I need to focus on, how I want to feel, where I want to transition, what I need to do next, and what this upcoming year will look like.  Certain parts are still a bit fuzzy (like the how and the when for some of it) but it doesn’t change the feeling—I know it.  I woke up on Thursday immediately thinking about gratitude but didn’t do it immediately because I had JUST done it before bed (like written it down less than 6 hours before) and then as I walked down the stairs I thought about how I need to move my body again.  I drew my cards and two were about appreciation, one was about focusing energy, and the last one was about movement.  Don’t EVER discount intuition.  I know at times it may feel like being pulled in a million directions or the intuition conflicts with something, but learning to read what the mind is saying and feel what we need clarifies all of that.  Intuition is real.

Today I am grateful for people who want to support me.  I’ve been a person who always does it on my own, always shows up when I need to (early, even), who tries to make people want me there, and who wants to reciprocate so I don’t owe anyone anything.  All of that has gotten me where I am today.  But I’ve noticed more and more that I feel awkward accepting help or that I feel indebted.  At the same time, I know the things I’ve been helped with have been immensely relieving.  I also know that the help I’ve received has pushed me forward.  I’ve been seeing that the timing has been right for each of these scenarios.  I’ve also noticed that as soon as I thank the person who has helped me (instead of trying to deny the assistance) I’ve felt much better.  I’ve accepted the help and in some ways that’s like accepting myself.  I may not be able to reciprocate in the exact manner they helped me, but I know that I can return the energy in my own way—and that’s really what matters.  The energy exchange and the intention behind it.  Instead of feeling guilty or obligated when we receive help, be grateful and be on the lookout for how we can assist next time.  It’s that easy.

Today I am grateful for expressing myself.  I’m struggling with a very close partnership (or what is supposed to be a partnership) that is on the verge of failing.  We’ve been in this semi-partnership for years and we tend to work against each other even when we don’t mean to.  We both have repressed thoughts and feelings and needs that we are working to discover, express, and meet for ourselves and each other.  But as I hosted an event over the weekend, this person literally wasn’t in the room.  They watched their vlog, sat upstairs away from the group, and walked away after all was said and done.  I didn’t argue with this individual, after everyone left, I told them that I had really needed them and when I asked what was wrong, they said they just weren’t feeling it.  Instead of yelling, I asked if I had ever left them high and dry like that.  They immediately said no.  It didn’t turn into an argument. They said they understood (but we will see), but this would have been something I got dramatic about and fought about for hours.  We had a 10 minute conversation, I said my piece, and that was it. 

Today I am grateful for finally standing my ground.  I’ve had several conversations over the last couple of weeks where I’ve been repeatedly informed I’m wrong about a lot of things—various things, every day things, inconsequential things—but it’s been a constant nagging about all of the areas that I’ve been incorrect.  Yes, I know this sounds like an ego thing but this became more of a mental issue for me.  I’ve been very candid about my struggles with short term memory—but my long term and my retention of facts has been pretty solid.  When people start questioning those areas, I do get a little extra sensitive.  These are environments where I shouldn’t have to prove myself—areas where I’ve had the experience and I’m familiar.  I am the first to concede when I’m wrong—I’m tired of having to always be wrong.  I finally stood up and maintained what I knew over two incidents this past weekend—and I was right.  This isn’t a tally system, but this was a way for me to tell this individual that I have a strong knowledge base too, let’s focus on something we can do together.  I’m not here to appease or be nice, I’m here to be collaborative and cooperative.  We both have ideas to share.

Today I am grateful for moving forward.  We’ve officially ended our holiday season—I mentioned last week that we were delayed due to illness in the family.  I have to admit that I am so grateful to still host and have the family around that we have.  But I’d be remiss if I said I wasn’t anxious to move forward and put focus and work toward plans for this year.  I’m ready to turn a new leaf and welcome new experiences.  There is progress to make this year and I feel the heightened energy to make it happen.  I can’t see where it will go, but I know it’s something I need to do.  I’m ready to cleanse, clear, and move forward.  Cleansing being the operative word in this moment. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.