When respect is no longer being served it’s time to walk away.  We just need to have faith and strength to do the walking.  This coincides with what I was talking about in gratitude yesterday, and these are habits that we all need to develop and skills that will serve us in so many ways.  I wish I could say that this happened overnight, that I knew I was being treated poorly and simply walked away.  That’s not how it went.  It was a slow detachment and something I am still learning to do.  Humans are pretty good at recognizing when something is off but we aren’t always discerning on pinpointing what the exact issue is or knowing how to resolve it.  Additionally our relationship with ego is often tenuous at best.  We fixate on being the best and being right and that deters from doing what is right, including what is right for ourselves.  There is some irony in there that we protect our egos but engage in the very behavior that can cause harm to our character.  This isn’t about people placating wants, it’s about respecting each other as humans and allowing people to be who they are without judging what works for them.  We can’t control anyone around us, so what we need to do is look at our patterns and habits, both in what we do and what we attract.  That’s all we have control over, our own actions.  That’s when we can start doing some work on who we are—and it does take work.  Developing awareness always does. 

One, to break the habits we have to be entirely conscious and aware of when we fall back into them.  It’s uncomfortable and can be challenging at times to stop an engrained pattern when you’ve already been triggered to repeat it.  Two, learning the new pattern takes time, dedication, and patience because it is new.  It hasn’t had time to solidify in our minds as the natural response to our stressors and when we are under stress, we will naturally fall to our engrained habits/thoughts.  Three, while breaking habits and patterns or jumping into something new, we will all face a period where we are still somewhat reliant on the old ways whether financially/emotionally and the new quite literally can’t support us yet—for me, it was the financial crutch of needing a 9-5 but knowing that I had to break out into something more even though I couldn’t afford to not work.  I wasn’t rolling in the money by any means, but I definitely needed that income.  What we need to understand is that sometimes it isn’t that the new can’t support us, it’s that we haven’t developed legs that can stand on the new ground yet.  It’s kind of like sea legs.  We’ve been on a boat that someone else is steering for so long and they’ve chartered us through the roughest of seas.  We may have even had to jump off and swim to shore.  When we hit land, it can feel uncertain and scary and we need to learn to navigate our way around, trust ourselves to survive and make our way, and learn that not only can we stand on our own, we can run.

We often mistake respect as an issue with authority or hierarchy.  We perceive people as in a higher position than us or we fear what they can do to us or we are born into a system that prioritizes certain people over others.  The truth is respect is about allowing life to happen.  It’s about removing our personal expectations on other people and allowing them to be who they are.  When we have people who work to constrain us in any way or those that hold us to unrealistic expectations, they are demonstrating they are less interested in the value we can add as ourselves and more interested in the value we can add to their agenda.  People who use other people to fulfill their agenda with no regard for whether or not their interests align do not respect the humanity of others.  This isn’t to say that we don’t all need help at times, it is to say that we don’t hold an expectation of someone else to be a certain way when they are not that, and we don’t berate them when we realize they aren’t that way.  When we are at a table where there is no respect, where we are being constricted into something unrecognizable, yes, we indeed must walk away.  We must shed that version that wants approval and simply begin the work of detachment.  Work on developing our own strength, our own skills, finding our own interests and when we follow that, we find purpose.  When we find purpose we are unstoppable.  Keep focused and stay the course.  Have enough respect for ourselves to do what we need to do for our own wellbeing.  Honor who we are and leave behind what isn’t serving.

You’re not going to stop the train but we can shift the track.  As someone with ADD I realized that I spent a lot of energy on trying to control the thoughts themselves, like when they would come, when they would go.  I realized that in my entire life I can’t recall a time when I didn’t have something racing through my mind, usually multiple things at the same time.  I am not exaggerating when I say there were literally moments I couldn’t keep up with my own brain.  Completely unrelated things all running at the same time.  I share this because I so often compared this to multiple trains running through my mind at the same time.  Honestly that’s how the behavior of stopping the trains started.  I couldn’t stand that my thoughts not only came and went so fast but that I couldn’t follow enough of them to make a decision or hear anything really coherently in my head.  I think that’s why writing helped—it would at least sort of kind of narrow my focus.  Regardless, it took me my entire adult life up to this point to look at this differently: I can’t stop the train—the thoughts will ALWAYS come, and really that’s a good thing because if those thoughts stop, we’re dead—but I can shift the track.

Yes, it’s similar to what I talked about with steering our ship by directing our sails, but this is more important than that.  This is the channeling of energy.  It’s not just the focus, it’s the learning and harnessing the ability to not get run over by our own thoughts.  When we shift the track, it can be as simple as changing perspective.  All we have to do is understand these thoughts aren’t out to harm us and they can only harm us if we allow it.  Our thoughts are nothing more than markers, indicators of where we are—more like a guidepost.  If we are consistently thinking something not aligned with what we feel or if those thoughts creep up, then it’s a reminder to pause and see where that’s coming from—are we in an environment we aren’t used to, are we stepping into something uncomfortable?  If that is the case then we need to take it as a good sign that we have the ability to pause and redirect the course of those thoughts—and no matter what, we don’t have to believe them. 

The other part of this that feels more complicated to explain (for me at least) is that the idea of stopping the train seems to come with so much force.  Like we have the ability to stop our natural functions, one of the very indicators we are alive.  At the same time, we do need to be aware of how to direct our thoughts so there does seem to be an element of control.  And still at the same time we have to discern how to go with the flow and allow—to lean into what IS.  I think the reason this is so complicated is because we are trying to equate a feeling to an action.  We know what it feels like to be in flow and to steer the direction, to make choices.  But we can’t actively describe how we do it.  It’s a feeling, not an action.  It’s a presence and an interaction with energy.  A decision and acceptance.  The point of working with our mind and our feelings is never about forcing them to go a certain way, it’s knowing how to discern which thoughts we entertain.  And as we make those choices, the focus becomes clear.  It’s not about stopping anything, it’s about what we choose to entertain with our responses.  THAT we have control over. So don’t make the goal be about stopping anything-make it about understanding and learning to follow the feelings we want.  

Written the other day when falling into old habits at work:  I feel a groove, a dance I do where I am rubbed raw and THEN flow.  I find myself doing things I hate doing on autopilot and with incredible ease and efficiency and clarity—but it’s only after doing what I hate to fit in and be accepted.  The only way I can fit through (fit in) is through wearing away and cutting off parts of myself.  This isn’t a dance I created, it’s the dance I was put into and programmed to do.  I’m tired of my edges being dulled so I can fit in or to gain praise/attention/accolades.  Just because I CAN do it doesn’t mean I SHOULD.  Loving myself means saying yes AND no.  Fine, I fit in, but what did it take?  What did I lose to get here?  What parts of me had to be worn away for the sake of someone telling me my ideas or even my identity is worthy?  What do I gain from doing that?  It seems some pretty significant chunks of my personality, talent, and creativity were worn away over time.  That spark has never been dulled, the spark of creativity, the spark telling me to move forward and do the creative work in my life.  But there seems to be a little less material to work with at times.  I’ve lost the essence of who I am in the process of finding acceptance outside. 

What good is the groove, what good is doing a dance that I don’t even understand (or care to do)?  What good is fitting in if I lost MY rhythm?  What good is fitting in if I was only fitting into what others expected of me?  What good is fitting in if it still isn’t my style in the end?  What good is fitting in if I still can’t stand the outcome?  What good is fitting in if I need to keep cutting away at pieces of me over time until there is nothing left?  I am not here to make myself small so other people are comfortable with me.  I am not here to make myself palatable or easy to manage.  I am not here to give myself up or to give up on myself for the sake of someone else using me as a doormat. (not the same as not helping others, just not going to erase who I am so someone else can succeed over me—their dreams are no more or less important than mine). The groove becomes a rut when we lose sight of ourselves or when we have made ourselves so small that we can’t hear our own voices.  That is dangerous territory because we risk losing ourselves entirely. 

This is when we have to stop the music, stop the noise we hear from the outside (like David Goggins says) and focus on doing the work, our work.  We focus on creating the steps we need to take to achieve our goals.  The more steps we take, the more we help others find their rhythm, we find our own.  We find our creativity, we find what is aligned with who we are, and we put in the work.  We choreograph a new dance, we find the ladder, and we move out of the groove/hole we dug for ourselves.  That groove was never a place to dance, it was a place to wear us down and keep us stuck.  As we climb out of it and learn to hear our own rhythm again, we feel complete and light and we are able to share that with others.  The impact of finding our flow isn’t just for us, it’s for how we interact with the world and inspire others to do the same for themselves.  This world is waiting for our love to light the way, for us to love ourselves enough that we can love others.  For us to be the conduits of an energy that drives us toward something higher—for everyone.  Step away and into the rhythm of what we are meant to do and all becomes clear.  

Today I am grateful for examples of what I want to be.  I have to acknowledge the power of the universe as far as putting us in the right place at the right time, divine timing really.  I met with my team/mentors the other night and they had a group of people sharing their stories/successes with the business.  All of the women presenting exuded exactly the type of confidence and assurance and knowledge that I’ve aspired to have.  They say that we attract what we put out to the universe, that our energy/vibration is recognized and returned to us.  So if I am fortunate enough to be surrounded by the exact type of people I aspire to be, then perhaps I am on the right wavelength as it is.  I am grateful for this because these women have also achieved things that I hadn’t considered and it is quite inspirational, something to aspire to further in my business.  They always keep the focus sharp, they are always working on self-improvement through learning, they always keep their ears and eyes open for opportunities.  This is truly exactly what I want to do—to help people, to become a resource, and to use that knowledge to help.  How beautiful to have those living examples right at my fingertips. 

Today I am grateful for reminders that even in the darkest of times, even from the darkest situations, people can still become more.  It takes work to shed the old and to step into the new.  It takes discipline and dedication and determination.  But if we focus and tend to what we are called to do, we become limitless.  When we learn to say yes to the things that scare us, coupled with the work, when we follow our instincts, we always end up exactly where we need to be.  I got all of that from watching a show about a family in some really down and out situations, things they have continuously put themselves through because of their choices/addictions etc.  They each experience an evolution of becoming, learning to stand on their own feet, firm in their decisions.  They each reach a dark point in their lives, and they learn to work with what they have to make themselves better.  They learn not only to pick themselves up by their bootstraps, but to turn themselves into something more.  They embrace who they are, even the darkest parts, and they run with it. 

Today I am grateful for becoming my own person.  Again, from watching this show, the children all learn to do better than what their parents did for them.  Not that my parents did anything wrong by me, but in this show, they all undergo a burning desire to be something more and then they each take the leap toward the decisions they make.  They only do this after reaching what would be considered a rock bottom in their lives.  The whole point of life is to grow even if that means surpassing the expectations and habits of those who brought us into the world.  We are all limited by our experiences and beliefs and it is our job to expand that, to release the fears of those around us, to welcome and develop who we are.  To step into who we are.  The other day I had been looking around my home feeling some guilt—my parents provided so much for me materially, but they stunted themselves.  The constantly got to the precipice of moving into something more (bigger house, better career, even better finances with long term security, etc.).  They were always one choice away from changing it all.  As I’ve been trying to take those steps, I’ve felt the fear of the unknown.  This was unchartered water in every respect.  I also felt guilt, like I was leaving them behind.  The truth is life is constantly moving forward, and no matter what we do, we will all be left behind at some point.  Our parents, grandparents, all of our relatives will die one day.  We will die one day.  We need to push forward on our own paths because we are meant to grow on our own, not on the same branches of someone who doesn’t have the capacity to go where we are meant to go.      

Today I am grateful for understanding.  I mean understanding in terms of the growth mentioned above, and in terms of what actions to take.  Growth isn’t to say that we are any better or worse than those who came before us, it is to take the information they have shared with us and expand it.  We aren’t necessarily leaving anyone behind, we are incorporating their information and they nurture that growth.  People all do the best they can with what they have/know.  We aren’t always able to bring those with us if they aren’t willing to undergo the transformation it takes to get to the next level.  It’s hard to accept losing people in that fashion, even more so when we see their capacity and potential and they don’t.  But the other part of this understanding is learning to accept that and learning to accept that we have a choice.  We can choose to limit and stay behind, or we can choose to step forward.  I’ve had to reconcile a relationship with authority with my own desire for autonomy.  The other day I took a firm step toward autonomy and chose myself.  Every instinct I have was telling me to do it and normally I would talk myself out of it—but this time, I simply did it.  No permission, just action.  It felt amazing.

Today I am grateful for centering and action.  When we take divinely guided action, it feels amazing.  The assurance, the confidence, the empowerment from action is unlike anything else—and when we do that based on an instinct, it feels even better.  We learn to trust ourselves by taking chances and learning what we are capable of.  We become who we are through what we do.  Through the belief that what we want is possible and then doing that.  This isn’t something I’ve mastered by any means, I’m still working on it.  But I’ve had miraculous glimpses into it, and the more I practice it, the more it seems to come.  The quieter we get, the more we hear the inner workings of our connection to what makes us, us.  We can want it with all of our might and nothing will happen without the action to back it up.  Just make sure we are aligned with what our truest purpose is, and trust ourselves enough to follow that path. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

Color we crazy did a reading from Tich Naht Hahn’s How to Fight. Hahn says, “Many conflicts and fights come about because we are so sure of our thoughts and perceptions.  We should not be too sure of our own ideas.  Do not be fooled by our perceptions.  Even if we are sure we are seeing clearly, check again. Keep an open mind, be ready to let go of our views.  The same applies to how we see each other in the world.  Have we understood the situation clearly?  We have a responsibility to see the situation accurately. Not colored by the lens of fear or the discriminating mind.  Clear, unbiased observation and loving speech can contribute greatly to building connection and removing anger, hatred, and discrimination.”  So many of the issues we have in this world stem from the idea that there is only one or two ways to do things: 1. The way they’ve always been done 2. Our own way (meaning my way or the highway).  It becomes a game of who is right rather than what is right—but who makes the determination on what is right to begin with?  Is the frog wrong for eating the fly?  The fly is simply doing what it does, does it need to die?  And the frog too does what it does—it needs to eat to survive.  Where would these instincts come from if they weren’t right?  So are we wrong for defending what we know?   

Beyond the idea of being right or wrong, we need to ask further: Is our perception always right?  Our thoughts and beliefs color our responses to others behavior so the short version is, No. Did we see what we thought we saw?  Is it possible we didn’t see what we think we saw?  There is a critical difference between fact and what we tell ourselves happened.  We are instinctual beings trained to ignore instinct and we operate in survival mode—but survival means something so different these days.  It’s about survival of the ego.  So when we fight, we aren’t fighting for anything beyond the SELF.  When we learn to fight for something and with someone rather than against someone, that fight changes to something else.  We have to let go of the self in order to fight for what is right. So much more often than we think, we are able to reach a resolution—we just have to be willing to look beyond what we know.  Accept that multiple things can be right at the same time. Let go.  Let GO of those perceptions and start thinking critically about what we can shift in ourselves to make it easier, not only for us, but for everyone. 

Fighting is a waste of time in the grand scheme of things.  I’m sure on some cosmic level, there is a goal, an endgame so to speak, but until we know what that is we are left to work with what we know and what we allow ourselves to learn.  We are here to expand and when we learn to look into other ways of thinking and believing, we certainly can feel discomfort.  Growth isn’t comfortable—and learning to negotiate the matters of truth and what we think the truth is only makes it harder to let go of what we know if we are stuck in ego.  Openness and objectivity is the key.  Look at the situation and don’t take it personally.  So much of what we internalize and take personally has nothing to do with us.  We simply need to be who we are and allow others to do the same.  Creating space for everyone is something we can all do.  Creating space and allowing room for interpretation and time to come to a conclusion makes it easier at the end of the day.  So. If we no longer want to fight, we have to manage our perceptions.  Take the time to ask what lenses we have on before any interaction.  Pause.  Then begin where we intend to come from. 

Another video about manifesting came up shortly after watching the one on ice cream.  This one spoke about manifesting tied to healing.  The more we work with and heal our respective wounded inner child, the easier manifesting becomes.  I know it may seem cliché, but the truth is we really do all have something inside of us that needs to be healed in order to move forward, and once we are healed, we are clear on where we want to go.  We need to make sure that wounded inner child understands and believes that we are worthy because that part of us, the subconscious/unconscious belief that we aren’t worthy of what we want is holding us back.  We need to learn to pull back to heal. So we start in the present with an idea of where we want to go.  We need to go back to heal, and then we can propel to the future.  This is similar to the action of the bow and arrow.  It is only through being pulled back that we have the momentum to move forward.  We only manifest that which we believe we are worthy of, so we need to do the work at the ground level, at the part of us that doesn’t think we are worthy.

I don’t want to overcomplicate this, especially after talking about the ice cream comparison yesterday.  But I need to be clear that the two ARE related.  As I just stated, we only manifest that which we believe we are worthy of—but also what we are capable of.  So, using the ice cream example—if we want the ice cream and we see it and know where it is at the store but we don’t think we can drive to get it, then we won’t get in the car to get to the store, so…no ice cream.  Or if we were taught that ice cream is something we need to earn, we will constantly look for ways to prove we have earned it.  If we are taught it’s bad, we will think it’s wrong for wanting it or that we are bad for wanting it. So…no ice cream.  But when we have a healthy relationship with ourselves (our self-image and our desires/values) and our abilities, we understand that we have the capability and the capacity to get behind the wheel and make an informed decision about the type and quantity of ice cream we want and then we simply get behind the wheel and confidently drive to purchase it.  So if there is any question on our ability to drive, take the time to figure out where that belief came from and heal it because as soon as we practice enough, we will be on our way to the store.

We tend to overcomplicate these emotions and more often than not it’s more about the path of least resistance.  We believe and do what we are most comfortable with.  Or we do what we believe we are most comfortable with.  We have the ability to do anything and we need to remember that we are able to change course at any time.  We are able to be who we are meant to be at any time.  We just have to decide.  The healing work is painful and I know that’s why I personally avoided it for so long.  I didn’t know what I would find.  I also frustrated myself with the idea that I had to be perfect, I didn’t want to go back because it felt like I was further and further behind every time.  And there was always more, always deeper I needed to go.  Digging deep hurts and it takes time.  But I will say, once I have reached the depths I didn’t want to go to, it did feel better.  That isn’t to say that I leapt forward immediately after that, but there is a point I know that I can’t go any further.  And it is then that I will fly forward and I will be unmatched.  The same is true for all of us.  Pull back the string and do the work and allow ourselves to be propelled forward.  Heal the past.  Be grateful for the present. Be accepting of the future. 

I heard a woman talking about the law of attracting, specifically manifesting, the other day and the way she explained it clicked with me in a way it hadn’t before.  I’ve overcomplicated the process my whole life and I don’t think I’m alone in that.  Time spent imagining the degree of specificity we need, the amount of work we need to bring forward what we want.  She broke the process down like this: We imagine or decide that we want ice cream.  We go to the store and buy it.  We come home and eat it.  THAT is manifestation in a nut shell.  We don’t pay attention to the details of how the ice cream was made or how it got to the store or even how the car works to get us to the store, we simply know it’s there even if we can’t see it, we decide we want it, and then we go get it (make it happen). Manifesting isn’t about creating out of thin air without acknowledgement of the work.  It’s about focusing and trusting and being really clear on what we want/need and then taking the steps to make it happen.  Full transparency, I used to equate manifesting to magic—not that magic isn’t involved to a degree—where we could say some sort of spell and it would instantly appear.

I’ve spent the last several days talking about taking creative action for ourselves/others and putting in the work toward our dreams.  We can achieve the same results by applying the same principle anywhere and to anything.  Magic doesn’t have to be hard, we just need to take the right steps.  The most important part of manifesting is the clarity, beyond that, when we take action, we are guaranteed results.  I’ve said it before, we can’t wish to go to Bali, buy a ticket to Florida, and expect to end up in Bali (but if we end up in Florida on the WAY to Bali, that is a different story—that is the universe taking us on a ride).  Yes, I believe that we will still get a lesson when we end up in Florida, but the universe doesn’t work that way.  The universe can’t give us what we want if we don’t put in the order correctly so to speak.  If we order a cheeseburger when we wanted chicken then we can’t be upset no one got us chicken.  We can’t confuse the universe with unclear intent or misaligned actions or lack of action.  We need to get really clear and do the work. I’m not sure why humans overcomplicate everything.  I don’t know if we are trying to convey some sort of exclusivity or shutting people out, or making ourselves feel like we are beyond where other people are. We can always learn from others—we just need to listen.

The point is this: the magic of the universe is to alchemize the effort with the desire to manifest the creation.  It really can be that simple.  There isn’t an obstacle course beyond what we put in front of us.  That includes the distraction we give into when we are working toward what we say we want.  The faster we can align with what we want, the sooner it can come to fruition.  It also helps to merge that desire with the need to help others and to understand that the brighter we shine the more others can see their path as well.  Sometimes we need to see that we have to learn from others as well.  We can’t assume we know it all or that we are always right.  We can always do what is right for us, but we can’t tell others what is right for them—we can just show them how to find out what is right for them.  Regardless, it doesn’t have to be hard.  I suspect that things would be a lot further along if we weren’t held up on who is right/wrong and if we focused on WHAT is right/wrong. I digress.  Manage our output and focus on the end result and take the action that’s needed and manifesting becomes second nature.

I want to talk a little more in depth about Schwarzenegger’s book, Be Useful.  Schwarzenegger is a deceptive character—he will stay quiet about how much he knows and he will take in every ounce of knowledge he can about the world.  There is so much depth to his faith and he knows how to take a vision and make it into reality even if it isn’t in a conventional way.  He is another person dedicated to doing the work, like I’ve talked about with David Goggins and many others along the way.  Yes, the man is worth millions and it’s easy for him to spout out ideals about not focusing on the money, but for him, it truly isn’t about that—at least not in this context of being useful.  He wants to make an impact and it’s clear his goals are to impact the world—and he wants others to do the same doing what they can with what they have, where they are—and based on his stories, that’s exactly how he started.  

I will fully admit that I thought the book would be about something else.  There were the stories you’d expect to hear about the work put in to develop self and strength, but what struck me is what a huge vision this man has and how accepting he is of the world and his ability to change it.  He has a way of understanding how the world works while simultaneously knowing he can do something different, a way to shift the energy in his favor.  At the same time, he has a different kind of humility—he knows when he needs to learn while knowing he is not one to be fucked with.  He doesn’t allow where he is to limit him in any fashion—he simply keeps doing the work and keeps his eyes firmly on the prize.  Everything in his present moment, and in his presence is an asset and helps him.  He feels he is a tool for the good of the world—no he never says that—but he behaves as a conduit to help others however he can. 

I remember thinking as a child about how he must be a sort of meat head because who focuses on making a living solely out of how much weight they can lift?  Who would have elected him governor?  As I’ve gotten older and witnessed the type of impact he has had, my opinion has changed—I was magnetically drawn to his book and I am not mad about it.  It’s quite literally inspirational to see how he has steered his life with every decision he’s made and he takes full accountability for that.  He believes in his ability more than anything.  While he has a physically powerful presence, he uses his energy more than his weight and he puts everything in a positive perspective.  That is where our real power lies: to work with what we have and make it into something else through the alchemy of clear vision and persistent, consistent effort in sharing our purpose.  It’s a lesson we can all use a reminder of every now and then. 

I wrote this earlier this month and have been toying with it for a while–but I decided to share it today.

There’s something sentient in death.  It’s 3:33 pm on 1/9/2024 and I’m watching the snow fall in the most abundant and beautiful way.  It’s torrential, we can’t keep up with it to shovel.  But it’s settling.  It’s quiet and peaceful.  The Earth is still very much alive but we all go to sleep at this time, or at least we are meant to.  Beneath this blanket of snow, deep, heavy with wet, barely able to move, we are meant to rest.  We are meant to tuck in and heal and recover.  We are meant to find the peace inside.  Death in this season is a thing, yes, but it isn’t death as we think of it.  It’s the passing of the season, the sign that more growth is to come.  This is the fallow season, the protection and preparation for what is next.  The hibernating for new birth to come in spring.  This is when we say good bye to the old and let it rest.  We let it sink beneath the cover of this heavy snow and become one with the earth again.  The tress too are covered with a thick blanket of snow, branches heavy but still holding their own.  They’re more still than normal, proudly holding what they carry.  They will come out of this different, weathered, and bare, but ready to grow into their next phase of self. 

There is something forlorn in this season, yes, because it speaks of the passing time and things we may not see again.  We must lovingly let them go because it was their time.  A colleague’s dad died yesterday and she came to work today, slightly bereft and perhaps bereaved in her own way, but she still came in and didn’t shed a tear.  Her emotions cut off as she mentioned how emotional her siblings are.  I’m not sure the entirety of the story that would bring her to feel that way, and I know that people don’t always share all of their experiences for whatever reason—life is complicated and we can’t always take things on the surface.  We each handle death in our own way but it’s a misnomer to say it’s the end.  Some of us are more in tune to the beginning that comes with the end (or the perceived end) or we are simply more aligned with the flow of life.  In that regard, death is the rising of a different consciousness.  Just as we let this season come to rest, there is much activity beneath the surface, the energy isn’t gone.  Energy moves and transmutes and changes and exchanges, but it isn’t truly gone.  Even as a memory, that energy is still there. 

Yes, there is sentience in death.  It is another form of awareness.  It is a hanging on of what we knew though our physical form is in a different light.  As quiet as this is, there is still some form of life there.  Death, too is aware.  We are trained to have an odd relationship with death, at least in our culture.  We hide from it, we fear death.  I fear death all the time.  There is so much to experience in this form and I want to experience it all.  But the truth is death is an exchange of energy.  It’s a new form of consciousness that our physical form can’t keep up with.  As we shed the body, this mortal stuff, we become aware again of something else.  The winter isn’t death even though it is the end.  So too is the nature of death.  It is merely the end of a chapter in our lives, the end of a way of being.  Death itself is sentience.  It is consciousness and it waits for us to be aware.  As we say goodbye to our loved ones, as our loved ones wait to say their final words to those who aren’t present, they are aware of how they are transitioning. Something we face every day.  Every day we have the option to decide how we view it.  We live a million ways in each moment that passes us.  Feel this depth. Feel this healing, feel this rest.  Feel the weight of the world and awe at the miracle of it—love it while we are here. 

Yesterday we talked about putting in the work and moving forward consistently—don’t let anything get in the way.  I really started thinking though, how is that people are built differently?  Yes, we all know we have physical differences, but what is that makes every lump of grey matter in each person function a different way?  What is that driver?  Reading Scrappy Little Nobody by Anna Kendrick, I see how early on she knew what she wanted and how she went after it.  There is something different there, not just in the determined recognition of self, but in the ability to refuse to go after anything else.  When I was a kid I waited for permission for everything—I wanted bigger and I wanted to do things, but I waited.  The dreams were always put on the back burner because my family rooted itself in reality.  I felt things I wanted but I never really considered doing anything about them until I was older, until it was the right time—a time determined by my family.  How is that some people, before they are barely even in school, are able to articulate and go after what they want while others spend a lifetime waiting?  Is it the right support?  Is it because they are better at it?  Are they better at expressing it?  Is it because people see something in them?  Maybe it’s a combination of all of it.   

The major difference I see is how they spend their time.  I ask if I would ever be able to do that, to really go after what I wanted.  I know what I’m capable of because I see what I’ve achieved.  I know I can yield a different result with different focus.  I see the routine so chokingly familiar and know that there comes a time we simply have to do something else.  Right now the days seem to be ticking away—I can’t believe that we are already done with the first week of 2024.  This first week started off with a bang in so many ways.  Work issues, personal issues and both of those categories are areas of focus for me this year.  The focus is to shed what no longer serves in everything in my life.  I often wonder if I had been built differently with less fear to simply go after the things I wanted earlier in life, if I would struggle to adopt and adapt to what I say I want.  My professional and personal life wouldn’t be an area of concern because I would have learned the skills I needed to go after what I wanted a long time ago—and this life would look very different.  This isn’t to lament anything, this is simply a matter of Sliding Doors, how one decision can impact someone’s life forever.  One thing I know for sure this early in the game is that if I want to move forward, I need to do the work. 

Doing the work means putting aside any concern about what people think about me or how they perceive me or how I can make them happy.  This isn’t about sacrificing myself for others any longer for the sake of being accepted one day and shut out the next.  As we’ve talked about before, the seeking of validation from external sources only depletes us further because we are subject to the value other people place on us.  When we know our inherent worth, when we understand the way the universe functions (when we see our purpose we are meant to go after it even if it doesn’t make sense—and we are supposed to share that gift), then we know our worth comes from within.  Learning to shut out other people’s voices allows us to work on ourselves so we can develop our belief and our skills.  Yes, we are all built differently, we all feel differently, we are attracted to different things.  That is the beauty of life.  What is significant to us and what lights us up may not be the same for someone else but it’s able to ignite the path for someone else.  The things that make us tick differently make the entire world spin.  Accept and embrace it and watch how much further we can get.  Be grateful how different we are and do the work of building our own stories.