Distance is the only answer to disrespect.  This is a concept I wasn’t familiar with for most of my life. I’ve been trained to people please and that means giving a lot of chances to people who probably don’t deserve them.  It means prioritizing other people’s opinions and wants over my needs.  It means doing anything to get their attention so I don’t feel lonely.  It means doing more when the situation really required doing less—or walking away all together.  In the moment it’s hard to recognize that because the thought of being alone can be crippling so we do whatever it takes to keep that person near.  As time has gone on, I’ve learned that our job isn’t to make these people happy—it’s to make ourselves happy.  To honor our goals and make sure we are secure and taken care of in ourselves.  No one will do that for us.  This isn’t to say that I don’t fall into old habits, especially with old hierarchies in place—but I’m more aware of it now and I’m quicker to get out of it, even if I still have residual guilt over it.

The truth is it’s about boundaries, self-respect, and faith.  It’s necessary to set boundaries in line with who we are.  Of course there are always exceptions where we have to go out of our comfort zone for people but the general idea is that behavior isn’t a rule and it should be based on that person’s need, not making them like us.  Boundaries let people know what’s in our realm of capacity and asserts what their responsibility is.  Self-respect is about maintaining boundaries but it’s also about knowing we don’t need to be liked by everyone.  For those who cross the boundaries repeatedly, we need to make it clear that we aren’t there for their purposes.  We have needs to meet in line with who we are, we aren’t seeking the other person’s approval.  I say this is also about faith because we have to know that we are always supported so even if we have to walk away from people, we are never truly alone.  We need faith that we are doing the right thing and it will all turn out.

When our boundaries are crossed on the regular and we do nothing about it, we lose that respect because we falsely say we have the boundary—and the other person can see we do not.  We need to know that our needs are worth more than anyone else’s want and that we are not responsible for meeting that person’s desires if that behavior isn’t reciprocated.  It doesn’t have to be a grand show of leaving a person or putting our foot down—but we need to put the foot down firmly and then follow through if the behavior continues.  We have to be prepared to walk away in order to preserve our energy and our sanity.  We have to walk away because we know our worth.  Sometimes we make it down the driveway and the person sees what they need to fix—other times we just keep going.  Either scenario is ok as long as our peace and integrity are maintained.  It’s ok to do what it takes to maintain that peace and integrity.  The more we set the boundary, the more we know ourselves.  Don’t be afraid to make someone uncomfortable or unhappy because we think it will anger them—that’s all the more reason to do it.  Stand firmly and confidently in who we are and allow the chips to fall where they may—just make sure to follow through.