This is a complicated one today.  Not that we haven’t discussed grace before, but I had some setbacks that I want to get into.  I have been doing really well as far as keeping my spirits high and believing in the signs knowing I’m on the right path.  In spite of that, I fell back into some habits that I’m not proud of due to anxiety.  I had been sick for a while with a bad case of bronchitis, so I hadn’t been out much for about three weeks and I certainly wasn’t drinking and I wasn’t eating to excess—I dropped about 15 pounds.  Once I was well enough, we were falling into Thanksgiving and my husband’s birthday celebration.  On Thanksgiving itself, I had a ton of anxiety being around two members of my family.  I picked up a beer.  I don’t know why, maybe it was just the habit or I was subconsciously trying to soothe myself, but I had a second one.  I didn’t eat much in spite of the feast, but those beers called to me.  A few days later at my husband’s birthday celebration/friendsgiving, I drank more.  Then I drank again the following weekend.  I started eating like crap again too—my husband sweetly surprised us with donuts and sugar is my ultimate weakness.  I only had half a day, but that was something I didn’t need.  I ate hot dogs and cheesy bread.  The anxiety only got worse (naturally).

Work held a few tense moments as well.  The entire leadership staff were berated by our president for a poor clinical survey.  My boss told me how unhappy she was with an incident that happened with myself and another employee.  I had to work with correcting an employee and the conversation was so all over the place I could barely manage my energy.  Being there sent me into several toxic thought patterns and old negative thoughts started popping in again.  I went to a friend’s house to drop something off only to find that their kid was sick.  I just finished steroids so my immunity is lower so I freaked out and I said outright that I can’t stay around her because I can’t get sick.  I felt terrible about it.  Why? They should have told me their kid was sick whether I was healthy or not, but especially knowing I had just gotten better and was compromised.  I shouldn’t feel guilty for not wanting to get sick again after being sick for almost a month. I’ve had fear thoughts about botching a deal I was working on because of a missed email.  It came up in my inbox as read 10 days ago and I didn’t respond to it.  I was furious—how could I miss such an amazing opportunity?   It was similar to the feeling that the other shoe was about to drop in spite of receiving AMAZING signs I was on the right path.  Why was I self-sabotaging when I had finally gotten to the point where I felt progress?  Initially it was subconscious but I came to the reality that subconsciously I still struggled with believing I was worth the good or that I could attain it.  That is a hard beast to slay.  I had been feeling so much overwhelm in general that my brain struggled to keep up and the conversations with family, friends, my boss all sent me reeling.  Then I started feeling angry, ashamed, and guilty because I was going back to old habits.           

So, where is the grace?  The grace is in calming down and refocusing.  The grace is in accepting my humanity and knowing that we all fall of the track sometimes.  Grace is in dealing with where I’m at right now because I can’t change what I did.  Grace is in remembering my own boundaries and goals and doing what is in alignment with that.  Grace is in stopping doing what doesn’t make sense to me and not feeling obligated because someone else expects me to.  Grace is in not feeling guilty for holding to those boundaries.  Grace is continuing to love myself especially when I don’t feel loveable right now.  Grace is taking the time to breathe when I want to jump out of my skin.  Grace is focusing on the task in front of me.  Grace is taking care of myself and knowing that is the path forward.  Grace is trusting that all will turn out exactly as its meant to with a positive outcome for all.  Grace is choosing to believe there are options even if it feels like things are falling apart.  Grace is putting one foot in front of the other when I feel like I can barely crawl.  Grace is knowing that I am worthy no matter what unfolds.  Grace is letting go of control and allowing things to come together.  Grace is there when we can’t be there for ourselves.