A brief reminder that surprises can show us the truth about people.

I’ve been humbled lately.  I recently heard a statement about love and sex and how women will feel love when they have sex because of the chemical response while men will have the chemical response only if they feel love for someone. It made me rethink everything about my current and previous relationships.  It made me think about what love actually means to people.  I thought I knew all the answers, I was righteous in my beliefs, I thought I was owed it all by my partner because he had wronged me before.  None of that worked.  I realized that I spent so much time trying to control him and make him change into some version that showed me love in the exact way I wanted, that I never focused on my own growth.  I was still stuck as that 17 year old girl thinking she knew it all because she was top of her class.  I wanted to be in charge, I never wanted to get hurt again, I wanted my comeuppance and justice for what had been done to me.  all that did was keep me fixated on all the wrongs in my life.  That kept me in a state of who can do what for me. Who gives me the most, where can I get the most bang for my buck.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I was absolutely a hard worker but it was almost always entirely self-serving.  Including in my relationship.  I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t some part of me that enjoyed being on top and calling the shots and making sure I got what I needed.  I didn’t realize how long I could hold onto a grudge until I really needed to look at my behavior. 

I needed to take some of my own advice and understand that people communicate and feel differently.  They express their love differently and they receive love differently.  I know I’ve spoken about love languages before but this is like other lessons where sometimes I need to practice what I preach.  I need to take a deeper look at my own behavior. Instead of how do I receive love, it’s also about how can I give love?  How can I give love to those closest to me instead of constantly wearing the armor that says they need to prove their love to me first?  How do I get past the previous hurt, the previous betrayal and understand that there is the possibility that they love me now?  I have learned that when we love ourselves, we understand what love is like from others.  So that begs the question, how do I love myself enough to understand that I am worthy of love as I am and that the right things will naturally come to me?  The right support, guidance, relationships, and purpose. 

I also had to learn that love does indeed show itself in different ways.  For me, partnership, spending time together and attacking problems/goals together is really important.  My partner really enjoys his autonomy, he enjoys receiving things that are meaningful.  The other day we went to a fun little discount shop and I found a chair that I really loved—like perfect for my reading nook.  I was purchasing a bunch of gifts for the holidays so I decided the chair would wait.  We realized that we had forgotten to purchase a $15 chair for our kid when we were there (I accidentally left it at the counter) so I told him we could go back and see if it was still there at some point during the week.  I came home on Monday and found the dream chair in my office.  I was floored.  That was the last thing I had expected—I thought we were going to go together (that partnership thing) because I didn’t want him to have to do it alone.  But finding that surprise when I came home demonstrated exactly how wonderful those type of surprises can be.  It made me realize I need to think outside the box for him and for all the people I love.  Love is also about recognizing what works for the other person, the things they enjoy, the nuances of what they say and what they don’t.  Love is so much more.  It is a two way street.  It is an understanding shared between two people as they are.