Today I am grateful for gratitude.  I’ve had this low-grade sense of anxiety the last week, the sense that I was about to lose something.  It’s a pattern I have—things go well, I tend to get a little manic and perhaps spend too much, and then the fear of losing it all sets in.  I’ve also been having some issues at work (shocker) and I’ve been recovering from bronchitis/pneumonia so things aren’t totally stable at the moment.  In spite of all that, I haven’t felt BAD.  I haven’t felt the despair of fear that I normally do.  Instead, I looked around my home and I feel SO grateful that I have it.  I feel so grateful that I’ve been able to provide what I have for my family.  I am so grateful that I can still breathe, move, think.  I am grateful I have the gorgeous view of trees outside my window.  I am grateful that I am able to be there for my son.  I am grateful for what is coming in my life.  See, the fear of loss is real, but I’ve come to accept that there is a time for everything.  Sometimes the loss is simply the universe making way for something new.  Being grateful for the flow of this world is how we tap into that.  I am grateful.

Today I am grateful for release.  I mentioned above some of the stressors over the last few weeks and I am grateful to say that my responses to them have been different.  I don’t want to hold onto the fears that have held me back my entire life.  I don’t want to hold on to the thought patterns that aren’t even mine.  I don’t want to put unnecessary pressure on myself when I know in my heart that things have always turned out and they always will turn out.  It’s safe to let go. It’s ok to let go. It’s necessary to let go.  There is joy in release, not a loss of anything.  I don’t need to control it all.  I can accept it and go with it.  There is an enormous amount of relief in putting aside that which weighs us down.  The same things still trigger my mind and fear process, but they don’t linger like they used to.

Today I am grateful for a real emotional check.  I’ve had a “beef” for lack of a better term with an old friend for nearly 4 months now.  Yesterday of all days was the 11/11 portal and I tried my best to embody everything I want to be—letting go of fear, releasing old habits (and habits around fear), trying to have fun and be present.  In doing so, the family found ourselves on an adventure.  We ended up at a friends’ business nearly 45 minutes away after already being out for close to 3 hours in the morning.  When we got there, there was a familiar car in the lot but I figured we were so far away there was no way it could be the person we knew.  Sure as hell when we walked in, she was there working her side business.  I felt immediate irritation that she was there because we were having a great day and I was really not wanting to deal with anything that would potentially ruin that.  About an hour after we left, I felt like I was still off so I started digging.  I realized that I was jealous.  She was out there doing her thing while my stuff hasn’t taken off and I feel like I need to be doing more.  It’s true that I need to have more focus, but I was jealous that this venture seemed so easy for her.  I realized after a time it’s a good thing to see people in similar circumstances to what we want because we can be on that same wavelength.  I can attract the same success and opportunities.

Today I am grateful for a reminder that this is in my hands.  A follow up to the emotional check is that I have to remember what is within my control.  It isn’t my responsibility to make people feel a certain way, it’s my job to respect my boundaries and uphold them for others to respect as well.  The things I want still require work.  They still require effort and focus.  They require the correct effort.  That is all coming, I don’t fear that.  I just need the clarity for the next step.  I know that too will come, I just have to trust.  Trust self, trust the plan.  I have a say in what comes next.  What we send out to the universe is what we get back.  I’m happy to be in the same energy of entrepreneurs, I’m happy to share what I know, share my story, I’m happy to help others how I can.  I want to be the type of person who gives without expectation or fear.  In order to be that person, I need to be that person.  I can attract more by starting to give now.  The reality I’m looking for is just on the other side of this little bit of lasting fear. 

Today I am grateful for the infinite reminder of support and options in my life.  I tend to isolate a lot, mainly because I don’t like feeling like I have to maintain a constant show/façade in front of people.  I also like to think that I can figure most things out.  I am always a success in progress and that means I need to know when I can’t do it on my own.  There are people with more experience, there are people who have a different perspective, there are people who need to figure it out at the same time.  Even when I’m not feeling the greatest, there are still people who care about me and have their arms open.  I’m also grateful to remember that none of this is permanent.  There are a multitude of solutions to all the circumstances I find myself in.  I don’t need to settle or stick with anything that doesn’t align.  There are people who will help with that shift.  Even at my lowest, no matter how scary a bottom I can imagine, there are people in my life who will not let me sink.  That support means the world.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.