“If all we are mourning is the loss of a dream, dream a new dream,” Maybeboth.  This quote was in reference to relationships and how we aren’t necessarily upset over the loss of the person, but rather the loss of what we thought it could be.  The response was so eloquently and simply put that it made the most sense: If it’s only the dream we wanted, just dream a new dream.  And it’s true with anything in life, not just relationships.  Things don’t work out and we start again.  We have to do that when very real things fall apart like losing a job, becoming ill, or facing an unexpected expense.  When that upheaval happens, we focus on finding the solution.  It’s an unnecessary and wasteful expenditure of energy when we spend our time worrying and wasting away over what we wanted but never had.  It never existed.  And we don’t need to do that.  Yes, it can be painful to put a dream to rest because we always think of the what-ifs.  But there is a much simpler way to deal with that: the what IS.

When things don’t work out we can learn to reinvest that energy in the new.  Sure, mourn the loss but don’t wallow in it.  Our energy is much better spent in creativity and we have the ability to create whatever we need.  We just need to be clear on the need and the desire.  It isn’t always easy to keep things in perspective in the heat of the moment and it may take some time to find the reason for things happening, but if we can manage to make that the focus then things become clearer.  Dealing with the reality of what is can be painful but it is the cleaner option because we are seeing what is tangible in front of us.  It also makes it easier to make decisions because we aren’t dealing in speculation.  I will always encourage dreaming, but dreaming without a tangible plan of action gets us nowhere.  I’m not saying don’t have forethought or limit the dream, but I am saying putting steps in place to achieve it is where the money is at.  So.  Don’t waste time thinking the end is the end.  The end is simply the beginning of the next chapter and it needs you to write it. 

I’m a hoarder in the regard that I cling to the past.  I hold on to things to trigger the memory so I have a lot of “stuff” around.  I am a record keeper so that means I have everything from papers to outfits to toys to pictures to videos to games anything that happened during my life.  I also think on some level, I was so trained to have to defend myself that I wanted “evidence” of my version of things if I ever need it—but that’s as story for a different day.  It gets overwhelming at times because I’m trying to hold onto the old while making way for the new and sometimes that means things get lost in the shuffle.  I have good intentions of knowing where everything is but I inevitably forget.  The space runs out or my mental catalog gets full so I struggle to find things when I need them.  It was giving me anxiety to try and remember where everything is but it was also giving me anxiety to think about letting things go.  But as I do the work to integrate new patterns and behavior, I know I can no longer hold onto my entire lifetime.  I still have a lifetime to go.  Also, full transparency, it was becoming annoying to look at everything. 

Part of what I’ve done during my time off has been reorganizing and gently moving through some of the stuff and evaluating its place in my life, in my space.  I’ve been through my kitchen where the flat surfaces collect everything. I’ve been through my office including my desk, my cubbies and storage areas, and even reorganized some books.  Things make more sense and it seems less overwhelming when the noise is removed and we have access to what we need.  It makes things so much simpler.  They say that our homes or workspaces represent our mindset—and frankly there was too much in both spaces in my world.  It was so much I literally couldn’t keep track and I was spending too much time devising systems to remember.  So, the value of decluttering is taking the weight off of the mind.  We have all the space and tools we need in this world, we just need to adjust it to where it belongs—that means moving it to its rightful spot even if it isn’t in our own home.  Clearing space creates clarity, removes anxiety, creates flow, and allows better use of time through creativity.  The more I remove or get where it belongs, the better it feels.  Decluttering is also valuable because of the power from decisive action.  There becomes less to think about and less to manage, especially in the stuff that doesn’t serve the day to day.

There is also something personally satisfying to be said about having everything that fits in our lives.  From the right size clothes, to spaces that represent who we are, to doing things that feel right, when it’s the right fit, there is a different level of ease and assurance in how we function.  I know I don’t want to waste time and energy, I don’t want to have to constantly manage my tracking systems, and I don’t want to spend time divided between the old and the new.  We can only last in the in-between for so long.  The past is a beautiful thing but the truth is, it is gone.  We can take the most important pieces of the experience with us, I’m not heartless and say get rid of everything.  But we can’t let those pieces continually define who we are, and when we can’t let go of the stuff from where we were, we are carrying the weight of things that no longer have a purpose where we are.  As I lovingly look at the things and take in the memories, I am utterly appreciative of where I am and what I have been through.  I am in awe that I get to live this life.  Part of me showing that appreciation is releasing the past so there is more room for this beautiful present. What can we release with love and joy and gratitude today?  What can we make room for?  Answer the question and let go to allow.   

I’ve been dealing with an illness that kept me home from my 9-5 for the last several days.  I had honestly been feeling fairly well physically for a  few weeks but made a turn and needed to do stronger medication.  Regardless, during the time I still felt well, I was operating as normal because I could.  My body was still telling me that I needed to stop.  I didn’t want to believe it because the symptoms I was having felt different than before.  I was able to keep going.  The truth is I didn’t need to know I needed to stop until I stopped.  I had been simply fatigued, nothing major, but rest wasn’t cutting it.  The first round of meds wasn’t cutting it.  When I stopped doing it all, I moved a bit slower but I still moved.  It felt so good, I realized I spend a lot of my time burning both ends of the candle because I’ve got multiple irons in multiple fires.  I thought I could handle it all—and I did for a long time.  Now it’s becoming ever clearer that the tracks are separating more and more and it’s time to lean in a new direction.  Just because we can do something doesn’t mean it’s best for us and it doesn’t mean we are obligated to sacrifice to achieve it.      

Reclaiming my biggest loss of time from my 9-5 has been life-changing.  When I really broke it down, I would spend no less than 12.5 to 13 hours a day per week involved in work-related activities whether it was getting ready, commuting, or the actual work itself.  That’s 62.5-65 hours a week—roughly 40% of all my time related to work activities.  Sleeping for 6 hours a night accounted for 25% of my total time.  So just between dealing with work and sleeping, we are already at 65% of the week.  I know people can argue that I still have 35% of my time or 63.5 hours.  Shopping for groceries: up to 2 hours a week, meal prep: up to 4 hours a week, homework with my son: 2 hours a week, Karate for my son: 1 hour a week, cleaning/laundry: 5 hours a week, my business and writing: 6 hours a week.  That’s already 20 hours of additional necessity.  The remaining time is supposed to be for selfcare and recovery, family time, friends, and focused time on my son’s play/needs.  Look, I will agree that there is still time available there, but it becomes challenging to use it well with an entire middle of the day taken out.  

Reprioritizing time, honoring the body and operating at its level has allowed me to understand what it’s like to operate at a deep level while still in flow.  How it feels to get work done without extraneous pressure.  What it feels like to lean into what is right for me and be naturally guided to what I need to do.  See, the secret isn’t in how much effort we put in, it’s in how aligned we are with the right effort and intention.  The value of this time off is this: life when lived as it is meant to be is naturally restorative.  We naturally feel the energy we need to function at top level.  We intuitively know what we need for our minds bodies and souls.  During this time, I have been more personally productive than I have been while trying to maintain it all.  I’ve been more receptive not only to my needs but my family’s needs and I’ve been better equipped to take care of what needed to be done.  The rest feels complete and authentic because I’m honoring where I am in the moment.  There is real value in listening to the body.  Even when the mind matches the body and believes we can move forward, there is still a need to pause occasionally and see what we need. 

One concept I’ve only briefly touched on is integration.  On the surface level, when we integrate anything it becomes a part of who we are.  That’s the simple way to look at it.  The reality is integration looks at the multitude of options out there and considers the realities that exist based on experience.  When we integrate, we understand the layers of experience.  When it comes to personal integration in doing the work of self, I recently heard another concept.  Integration deals with the concept of two conflicting beliefs, one subconscious, one conscious and I’m adding the caveat that it’s something we face as we grow/age.  For example parent tells us we are unworthy as a child so we unconsciously look for ways to solidify that belief even if we, on the surface, are telling ourselves we are worth it.  We will self-sabotage to prove the unconscious belief.  We aren’t actively seeking to do so, it’s just the naturally engrained response we have developed over time to information we received during our most formative years.    

In this regard, the act of integration is taking that conscious positive belief and transmuting, transforming, and putting that to the subconscious so actions come from that place rather than negative beliefs.  This way our engrained reactions and behaviors support (prove) the positive belief or replace the negative all together.  There is knowing and there is KNOWING, and we are talking about the capital variety here.  Unless we adopt the belief behind the feeling, the emotion and underlying behavior never really sinks in to become the habit.  New beliefs require new actions and new actions require new habits.  New habits happen when we start to understand the old ways, thoughts, patterns, and beliefs no longer serve or are outright destructive.  Then we peel away the layers and see where all of that came from.  That in itself can be exhausting and take some time.  But doing the work of integration is evolutionary and, my friends, we are meant to evolve.  Growth only comes from new and I do mean new including thoughts, behaviors, and beliefs.  Life is messy, healing is messy, but it is ever so beautiful on the other side.

The power of integration is the reclamation of identity, purpose, and power in our lives.  Evolving means changing the patterns of those that came before us and doing things in a new way, with new belief and intention.  There is nothing more empowering than traveling our own paths and making our own decisions based on who we are.  We only know who we are when we accept that identity and BELIEVE it, and most importantly, act on it.  We aren’t meant to live without follow through and we aren’t meant to live carrying what we were told to be when we know we are meant for something more.  The conscious thoughts we have about ourselves, those things directly opposed to what our core is telling us are the thoughts we need to make our reality.  Have enough faith to work on building belief in who we are and practice what scares us until it feels natural.  What feels natural becomes habit and then we shift into that reality.  Become what we know we can become.

Today I am grateful for the support of friends.  We gathered together to celebrate a friendsgiving and my husband’s 40^th birthday this weekend.  It was wonderful to see people show up and celebrate and have a good time.  It was great to see people connect as well.  My family met some of my friends for the first time and it was great to see them connect.  Some of our friends met other friends for the first time and they got along really well also.  It’s a beautiful thing to see people connect with each other.  I used to get nervous about letting friends connect with friends because I was scared of being left out but it was a nice reminder to see that connection is expansive as well.

Today I am grateful for courage.  There’s a lot of change happening in my life on the professional and personal front.  It has been scary because it’s a reminder how much is out of my control.  It really takes a lot to let go and trust that everything will fall into place especially when it feels like everything is falling apart.  In spite of that type of fear, it has been nice to remember what it means to step up and that no matter what happens, I’m capable.  Even if it doesn’t feel that way in the moment, I have always gotten through whatever was thrown my way.  Sometimes we just have to have a little courage to step forward and a little faith that we will be fine on the other side.

Today I am grateful for decisions.  I had two references to decisions this past week and it helped put things in perspective—and to have some courage.  The lives we live are a direct result of the decisions we make.  I made the choice to wait a few things out on the professional front but that has led to a different result than I anticipated.  The situation has taken a turn so to speak, so now a different decision needs to be made.  At first it felt like I was being swept along and carried for someone else’s ride, but sometimes there are things that come out of left field and shift our perception or explain what was actually happening.  That new understanding makes it even easier to make another decision.  The ability to decide puts us firmly in control of what we can control in our lives.  We can always adjust the sails to get where we need to go.

Today I am grateful for time.  As I type this it’s snowing.  I feel like this entire second half of the year has flown by.  We’ve been blessedly busy and surrounded by people and supported.  But that doesn’t change how quickly it seems time has passed.  I’m grateful that the time we have spent together this year has been productive, joyful, fun, and connecting.  I’m grateful to witness the changing of the seasons with as much attentiveness as I have.  I’m grateful to notice the small details in life that keep us moving.  I’m grateful to spend my time with family, friends and loved ones and to experience life together.  Time does indeed move quickly—but we get to choose how we spend it.  I am happy with how we’ve spent our time this year and I’m proud of the decisions we’ve made to move forward. 

Today I am grateful to trust again.  I’ve always wanted to be able to trust people no matter what.  I wanted to feel close enough to someone that I knew they would never betray me and that I had someone to confide in.  I made several wrong choices with people and it burned me and then it took a long time to even find someone that I felt close enough to that I wanted to share with them.  We have been blessed with the gift of finding people who genuinely care and who we connect with.  Sharing things has been challenging but it has also been worth it.  Finding that connection  means the world to me because there are things I didn’t want to carry any longer.  It’s a relief to know that there are people who will help me carry that weight.  Or they will help me put it down.

Today I am grateful for weekend morning chats.  My husband has taken to joining me in my office in the morning on the weekends.  It’s nice to have that little bit of time together before our son wakes up and before we really have to start the day.  It’s been another exercise in connection as we go over whatever is on our minds or planning the day.  We never used to do that, we’d kind of acknowledge each other and then I’d do my work and he would do whatever he needed to do.  Now we get to look each other in the eye and have a conversation.  Intimacy is about more than just physical things—it’s about the emotional and psychological elements of safety and being seen.  I appreciate the time my husband takes to come in my office and share things.  I’ve told him this as well so he knows it’s something productive and supportive to our relationship. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead. 

I’ve been doing some deep work on confidence for myself and there were two references to different percentages that stood out to me.  I mentioned yesterday about the little bit of faith that things will unfold as they are meant to and I came across a quote from Michael Todd talking about only needing 51% faith to move forward.  There is no way for us to know every single thing that will happen in every moment of our lives.  We need to be content to make decisions with the information and experiences we have.  Sometimes it seems crazy to move forward knowing nothing other than we think it will work, but Todd suggests that all we need is enough belief to take that step.  51% faith is still the majority percentage on the belief that we will be taken care of, prayers answered, and have the ability to solve our problems. 

As I think over my life, I’m sorry for so many of the decisions I made when I didn’t have enough faith that I would be able to make it through or that I would be cared for. I regret a lot of those decisions mainly for the loss of what could have been had I done the other thing.  I’m sorry that I didn’t see enough signs in the world to trust that there was something there to pick me up if I fell when I went for it—so I sat on the sidelines.  I’m sorry that I didn’t feel secure enough in who I am that I was worth help, forgiveness, and that I didn’t have to know it all to be worthy of anything.  I had spent so much time in survival and figuring it out on my own that I really didn’t even consider faith an option. I wasn’t raised in a particularly religious setting but I did go to church with my grandmother and while many of the lessons focused on love, it was also a proving/punitive thing.  You do anything out of line or in the vein of being a human and we must seek repentance.  The relationship I had with faith wasn’t healthy.  I’m learning to lean in more and to try and trust again. 

The other percentage I want to talk about is 10%.  In the middle of hearing about this concept of only needing 51% faith to move forward, I came across Jess Eckstrom and her percentage.  She discussed how it isn’t our job to be the expert in everything in our fields.  We aren’t meant to be lightyears ahead of people so they think we are an authority on it.  She says the secret is to be 10% ahead.  If we give ourselves that little edge, we find we have answers waiting for us already and we can still give guidance.  The reason this number stood out to me is because I’ve often equated my worth to what I know.  I thought I had to know EVERYTHING about everything in order to be respected.  This concept of 10% is enough to keep us moving, not from a place of power, but from a place of understanding and learning what’s next.  10% is enough to get us started.  Coupled with 51% faith that we can get through, and those odds are starting to swing in our favor if we muster enough belief in ourselves to give ourselves the edge.  The point is that we don’t need to overwhelm ourselves with perfection.  We just need to give ourselves a little boost.  Any one of us can do that. So what are we waiting for?  Find that faith to get to 10% and move forward. 

You can’t rush your timing, it will happen when it’s our time.  Just a reminder to have patience.  Things have an amazing way of turning out, so often in ways we don’t expect or see coming.  I wanted to add this on the day after Thanksgiving so we could all appreciate ourselves.  Not to be egoic or narcissistic, but I don’t think we appreciate ourselves enough.  We put all of this pressure to achieve certain things by certain times, we hinge our worth on others’ opinions, our monetary/material possessions, and our ability to accomplish everything (burnout).  But we have to look at the purpose of life—as I discussed yesterday it is in the joy of the daily living and appreciating what we have.  That means accepting the season we are in while we are in it and knowing that every season has its time and purpose.  I know patience isn’t easy.  I mean, I am naturally driven to move, and I don’t often understand the need to wait for anything we can have now.  Not to mention we are all so spoiled with near instant access to anything we want.  But when it comes to developing who we are and how we are received and perceived in the world, when it comes to creating a life of meaning and value, we can’t rush that.

Our value comes from the work we do, the impact we have on people’s lives and that can’t be done overnight.  Sometimes it takes people longer to see what we do when it comes to the value of what we offer.  Some never see it the same way—and that is ok.  We need to remember our own worth and appreciate who we are and know that what is meant for us will always find us.  We get in the nasty habit of comparison and think we should be at a certain point because we see other people there.  We can’t compare our timing because we don’t know how long or what they had to go through to get there.  It’s a matter of learning to lean in and enjoy the moment and truly feel what it’s telling us.  All the answers we need are there.  All the pressure falls away.  We aren’t meant to drive ourselves crazy proving who we are: we are meant to simply be who we are.

That’s the last point of timing I want to add here: the sooner we know ourselves and deeply connect with that person, the sooner our path unfolds for us.  Then we stay in the magic as long as we can.  There are absolutely things about this universe and even this planet we still don’t understand, but I am 100% certain there is a reason for all of it.  Having that little bit of faith is enough to make me trust that it’s time to give over and stop trying to make things happen in any other way than they are meant to.  If we think about all the time we try to make things happen, we realize that it’s a waste of energy.  We need to spend our time connecting.  Clearing what doesn’t serve and aligning.  Once we do that, the rest follows naturally.  All we have to do is accept and believe because this world has always made things turn out.  Even if we felt the world was ending, we are still here.  That means we still have purpose.  Breathe, believe, and allow—it will bloom when it’s meant to.  

I take the time every week to share things that I am grateful for.  More often than not I find they are the common, every day occurrences.  The miracles of life and the things that keep us moving on the regular.  It’s the simple things we need, the simple things the soul craves.  Not to say our life isn’t incredibly layered and complex, just that the roots of what we seek are not in anything bigger than love, hope, faith, and purpose.  The purpose of life is joy and remembering the worth in our existence because the fact that we exist and are conscious of it and able to make things out of nothing in this world is a miracle that goes far too underrated.  There are obviously the big things to be grateful for as well, but there are times we need to see how the little things create the big things. It always starts at the beginning. 

There are things I have accomplished this year that I never imagined I would be able to.  There are fears I began releasing that I have carried with me for so many years that I believed they were who I was.  I have created wonderful experiences this year, I have seen that there is joy in so much.  Joy in connection with source, self, and others.  I have taken the leap and set things in motion that I would have waited to be invited to before.  This isn’t about a power play, it’s a reminder of the power of embracing who we are and that we are able to create anything we want in this world.  We are meant to create what we want. 

I am grateful to be alive and to work with this universe and to learn to trust again.  I am grateful for the people I have brought into my life, the love and support that I truly never thought was possible.  I am grateful to give back and to have fun and to be open to experiences.  I am grateful to shed the things that didn’t serve like fear and control (not that they are totally absent, but they come from different places now) and to understand the importance and necessity of allowing.  Of letting life to breathe.  I am grateful to see what comes of doing the work we are meant to do and the endless, beautiful opportunities and abundance that is in this world. 

I am grateful seeing the sunrise and sunset every day, the turning of life, feeling the wind, being outside. I am grateful to take care of myself and my family and learn what loving self really looks like.  I am grateful to break the patterns of perceived selfishness for believing in self and taking care of self.  I am grateful to honor who I am and to understand the roots of where I come from.  I am grateful to forgive the past, the people before me, the things that were done to me, the things I did to myself.  I am grateful to understand what is mine to reconcile from the past and to see the truth of who people are—we sometimes believe just because we are family that things are easy and we get along, but there is massive healing that needs to take place.  I am grateful for that healing and acceptance. 

I am grateful for all of the joy I have brought into my life, to feel good about the choices I make and to let go of insecurity regarding loss and not having enough.  I am grateful, endlessly grateful to my husband and son.  There were many times I literally didn’t think we would make it together—and I mean together in a relationship and quite frankly that we would both be alive if we stayed together.  But I am grateful to have shifted the perspective of what the relationship needed to look like and to have opened up to what is.  I am grateful to move forward together.  I am so blessed with my son and I am forever grateful for the joy I see in him, his curiosity, his exuberance, his joy at living.  I am grateful for his compassion and love and I see so much hope in him.  I am grateful for his constant reminders to be in touch with the childlike side of me.  To remember what it is like to be curious and create without fear or abandon or even logic sometimes.  I am grateful for creativity and health and living. This is what life is about.  The real power of gratitude is understanding the absolute miracle that is life and to live it fully, every day. 

Life has this beautiful, natural flow to it.  When we listen to it and we do what we know we are called to do, it simply IS.  There is nothing to fight, nothing to change, nothing to fix.  We just have to be.  We spend so much time trying to become something when all we need to do is acknowledge and be who we are.  The universe truly does support us.  The universe wants us to thrive because it thrives when we do.  We are meant to cocreate with this existence and make it something more.  I’ve spoken often about the expansiveness of the universe and that means we are ever evolving and growing.  We are meant to create.  There are infinite resources out there—I will say it again: there are infinite resources out there.  We are only lead to believe there is a shortage of anything because the systems that be rely on us thinking we are meant to do and be the same thing.  There is a shortage of resources in that avenue: we aren’t all meant to be the same.  This is where flow comes in—it tells us what we need for US.

We all know what feels right to us.  The energy that consumes us from head to toe, the idea we can’t stop thinking about, the thing that excites us to get our hands on it.  We know what it feels like to be in a state of productive flow where we don’t even notice the time passing.  The truth is all of life can be like that.  Life is meant to be a dance with giving and receiving and producing and consuming and sharing.  Our days are meant to look how we want them to.  We aren’t meant to focus on entire lives focusing on someone else’s dreams.  While a traditional role may help us get by, it isn’t what makes the soul thrive.  We are looking for more than survival.  We are worth more than just getting by.  We are meant to ignite the passion in our soul and share it with the world.  We can only find that if we go with who we are—even when it feels scary or like we won’t be able to see it through.  Even, and especially when, it doesn’t make sense.

There is a joy felt in flow that I wish for everyone.  Everyone should know what this feels like, the ease, the satisfaction of creation, the way time seems to stand still, the way the energy feels like it will never run out, like we can always do more.  When we start living life on all cylinders, that’s when the magic happens and things open for us that are beyond our wildest imaginations.  It’s always funny how sometimes these things happen in the ways we least expect.  The universe has a way of getting us on the right path.  Sometimes the light is just around the corner and all we need to do is keep walking forward.  We always get where we need to be and all we need to do is allow.  There are times it seems scary to be who we are—we feel vulnerable or alone.  Maybe both.  But the more we can shine light on who we are, the more we see we are not alone.  There are many more people waiting to follow our example and become who they are meant to be.  Feel it, step into it and allow ourselves to be who we are meant to be.

I just want to give a brief reminder today: Sometimes folks, the only way to get it done is to do it.  I’ve felt a beautiful surge of creative energy lately and I felt compelled to put my feelers out there for several things to see if something takes hold.  Every once in a while we get crazy ideas—or ideas that seem crazy—and we have no choice but to follow it.  I recently had such an experience and it was something I never would have acted on previously.  I went for another float and a business idea came to me.  I would have normally shied away and not said anything, but something came over me.  The idea would not stop playing in my mind.  This wasn’t like an obsessive fixation—it was just a persistent thought that I needed to do it.  I spoke to one of the employees about it and they gave me a contact and I reached out.  I honestly figured the worst that can happen is no outreach or someone will say no.  I got a reply back and it was a beautiful exchange that is going to lead to a wonderful business relationship. 

I put a few things out there like I said, and as I was doing it, I literally told the universe that whatever is meant to happen will happen.  The things that are meant to take root will take root.  I am actively working on two of them and I am waiting to hear on the third.  Amazing things happen when you put in the work.  Amazing things happen when we take that 20 seconds of insane courage and ask the question or put the information out there.  It doesn’t happen without the action—so just do it.  We all have a message that we can share with the world and we need to believe that what we share can have an impact—because it all does have an impact.  The only way we can do that, however, is to do the work.  Like I said, the only way to get it done is to do it.  There is also a surge of power that comes from making a decision and seeing it through.  We make our lives happen.  Embrace the power of action and belief.  Know that whatever comes our way we are capable of it because we wouldn’t have the idea if it weren’t meant for us.