Today I am grateful for honesty.  I’ve had to learn to be honest with myself all over again.  For whatever reason, even though nothing in particular was going wrong, I’ve felt off, melancholy, and agitated lately.  I have felt incredibly frustrated and short with myself because I know I have no real reason to feel any of this right now but I can’t seem to shake the feeling.  So what that meant is that I need to take stock of things in my life.  As I started peeling back the layers, there were some truths I needed to face.  There are things I need to accept and understand regarding my closest relationships, about myself, about where the responsibility lies to get where I need to go.  About what I need to do and what I need to accept.  About things I can no longer fight and about things I can no longer pretend exist just because I hope they do.  It hurt like hell.  I know it’s something we all go through at some point if we truly want to progress.  So take it in the moment and understand that it is for the best.

Today I am grateful for answered prayers so to speak.  As I mentioned above, I’m going through a bit of a rough patch.  Even though there isn’t one particular reason, there is enough going on to roughen the edges that it’s causing issues.  There are a ton of things on hold right now (important things like my job), there are unanswered questions, there are a ton of obligations we have (we haven’t had a break since June), and things are just overall chaotic and it’s really unclear what’s coming next or even what to do.  The other day I was pleading for help, to be heard, to know that I was worth something because it felt like nearly everything I did was falling apart—so every failure from my life has been replaying over and over again.  In that moment, a friend reached out.  The person I was looking for support from was non-existent, but this friend reached out. 

Today I am grateful for surrender.  I have a piece coming later this week about the difficulty of dealing with surrender, specifically the interpretation of it—and even how much I detested the word.  But the truth is there comes a point where we have done all we can do, we have fought all we can, we have tried every avenue and the only way we can move forward is to simply stop.  When nothing seems to be working, we have to stop pushing.  If we keep pushing we will break.  I am not an easy person to live with—I’m not always clear, I am antsy, I have high expectations of myself, I am reactive, and my mind never stops so if I tell myself something before knowing all the facts, I have a hard time switching away from that belief.  But when all of that energy has been expended and the results still aren’t coming, it’s time to stop the fight and let go.  It isn’t the greatest feeling but I am grateful because I couldn’t keep pushing as I was.  It’s time to rest and let it be what it is.  That doesn’t mean it won’t be something more, but it is not that now.  So I give my heart and brain permission to rest.

Today I am grateful for redirection.  Along with surrender, I am grateful to turn inward.  I needed to stop controlling those around me, stop controlling their actions and even their thoughts.  The only thing we can ever control is ourselves.  When we think we have it all figured out, we tend to think we can tell others how to operate their lives.  We may have the best intentions, but that doesn’t mean we know what is best for someone else.  The outside seems to be falling apart at times, all we can work on is what’s inward.  Take care of ourselves, still our thoughts enough to hear what we need to do.  Stop making other people do what we want them to or trying to force them to believe what we believe—just take care of yourself.  I have to take care of myself.  Believe in myself. Start with myself.  That is the only thing that’s real, our ability to redirect our focus, to pivot.  We will find the answer.         

Today I am grateful for hope.  I used to think I was a glutton for punishment because I would continue to have hope even after things would fall apart.  I’d continue working on things that I knew wouldn’t work out simply because I hoped they would.  I would push and push, stubbornly hoping it would be something different.  I started to hate hope because I’d always be hopeful and nothing would seem to come of it.  I can’t say much has turned around, but I do have a different understanding of hope.  Even if it hurts, somehow it has kept coming back so hope is persistent.  Hope keeps us moving forward, dragging ourselves toward something others may not be able to see.  As long as we can see it, that’s all that matters, so keeping that hope stoked and alive is important.  It may feel difficult at times, but if we have hope, that’s enough. No matter how small, it is enough.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.