Today I am grateful for honesty.  We all need radical honesty in our lives at some point.  I’ve considered myself honest to a fault with myself because I’m the first one to point out my flaws at any turn.  But I don’t’ think I’ve been honest about my abilities.  I like to think I can do anything—and yes, there is a point where I can do it all, anyone can if they need to.  But I have to admit that I’ve always felt this extra push to need to prove I can do it.  I have been, at a minimum, disrespected/ignored/looked over, and at the extreme end, tortured most of my life because of the way I look.  There is this automatic assumption that I can’t do it.  I’m guilty for playing into that for things I didn’t want to do, but there comes a point where I don’t need to have to do anything extra to prove the point that I can do what anyone else can.  I don’t need to put in the extra hours to show my effort if I’ve managed to get the work done in half the time.  There is no point in going beyond when that effort is not rewarded, and perhaps that’s ego as well, but in my field that doesn’t go anywhere.  Knowing when to put aside ego and being honest about when it IS ego is key.

Today I am grateful for healing.  There comes a point in working with honesty and knowing what needs to change that the healing begins.  I know this isn’t an overnight process, it’s something I’ve been working on for years, but knowing where I need to put in the effort matters.  I’ve also noticed how cyclical it is.  As soon as I think I have a hold on it, I feel like I’m dragged back to where I was.  That could also be my ADHD to be fair—jumping from thing to thing before I’ve actually managed to finish a task.  I’m grateful to shift perspective and understand what it means to actually take control.  I’ve still been working on controlling external stuff, things I can do nothing about.  Healing has nothing to do with control, it has everything to do with clarity.  Shedding what we aren’t in favor of what we are.  Healing is the letting go and allowing. 

Today I am grateful for time.  I have the upcoming week off work and I am thrilled.  The overwhelm and busyness of my mind has gotten out of control, and even with new medication, I’ve felt like I’ve been spiraling.  I need the time to think, the time to plan, the time to organize, the time to clean, the time to have fun, the time to dig deep, the time to figure out what I want to do next, the time to get really honest about what decisions I need to make moving forward to live the life I actually want to live.  I don’t mean to be melodramatic, but the time is so important.  I’ve had way too many irons in the fire and it has simply started to burn and consume me.  It’s time to start prioritizing and taking aligned action consistently.  Know who I am and do the things that that version of me does.  Simply start doing.  Let go of ego and let the old fall away, stop trying to be something that fits in multiple worlds.  Become.

Today I am grateful for forgiving.  I never realized how important forgiveness is on a healing journey, not just forgiving others, but forgiving myself.  I didn’t exaggerate in the earlier gratitude that I’ve struggled with worth because of outside opinions all of my life.  Truthfully, I always saw myself as capable regardless of what others thought, I just always had to work twice as hard to show it.  That made me angry and resentful at every turn.  I didn’t know any better because of the hurt I felt in those moments.  I couldn’t understand how people didn’t see the truth of what I am simply because they couldn’t overlook my height.  I hated myself for not being able to change that.  I have to forgive that hatred I felt for me.  I don’t know what it is, but there’s a reason I’m like this.  I can refocus that energy on hating who I am and direct it toward becoming who I REALLY am.  Forgiveness is healing.

Today I am grateful for generosity.  We went to my son’s former teacher’s house as part of a garage sale this weekend.  First of all, I have to say I completely am in awe and respect for the ingenuity, organization, creativity, and energy teachers have.  This woman has been out of school for one week and she managed to pull together thousands of items she had and prepare them for this event—including signs and decorations and tents.  She offered incredible discounts for her former students and to up and coming teachers for some amazing tools to help shape these kids.  Teaching and helping people was evident in her core at this event.  What a gift to have this woman in our lives.

Today I am grateful for connection.  One of my employee’s family was struck by real tragedy this past week and she opened up to me about it.  So many memories came up as my family experienced similar events, and I am so grateful for any support I was able to offer her.  Hearing a human break is one of the most viscerally gut-wrenching things we can go through.  Knowing how to hold people up at their lowest is a gift—not in the respect of “look at how strong I can be for you,” but in regards to the connection that comes from being human and knowing what that bottom feels like.  As painful as it is, there are times we need to be reminded that there are moments all we need to do is be there for other people.  We can’t fix it, we can’t make them heal, we can’t make them see what they aren’t ready to see, we can simply be present for them so they can lean on us and stand back up.  It truly is a gift.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.