I watched a reel of a couple getting married.  She wore her white dress, full sleeved, fitted then flared and it suited her so well.  I thought to my own wedding.  I wore a dress that was given to me.  I buy clothes that don’t entirely fit and I have always hate the process of trying things on.  But as I saw this woman, something clicked in me: she is perfectly comfortable and at ease in herself.  This outfit fits her.  I suddenly realized that I have spent most of my life settling for things that don’t fit me, trying to make them work.  I took what came my way.  I always thought it made me amenable and agreeable, easy to work with.  I never considered it took away any opinions I had.  It took away any chance I had at knowing my own intricacies.  I never knew me.  I was always trying to be anything but myself.

I never got the chance to settle into my own skin.  Shit, I didn’t (and still don’t) even like trying on clothes.  It drives me nuts—if I couldn’t be bothered to make things fit my outside, how would I figure out what fit my soul?  As I’ve gotten older, I know now that I want what fits me.  I don’t want to try to make it work any longer.  I don’t want to live off of the dregs I’ve settled for out of desperation.  Now, please don’t misunderstand, I’ve created a life with a lot of beautiful things and I am so grateful to have what I do.  But there is a deep part of me that is rising to the surface that needs to be seen.  There is a part of me that knows I would be living a very different life if I had been making decisions from my talent, from who I am rather than my fear.

See, living a life based on the things that we accept, and when we accept the things that come our way instead of making the life of our dreams, means we are settling.  We are depriving ourselves of the joy of creation and we are depriving the world of our light.  Our only obligation here is to live a life of joy to spread that light throughout the world.  We create that joy by leaning into the things that make us feel good.  In order to know what feels good we need to live our lives to the fullest.  Create experiences instead of collecting things.  THAT’S how we know what works for us.