The love I offer myself is what carries me. The truth is I’m not sure I ever knew how to love myself.  I knew how to keep myself alive and moving, but there was no sense of living, and certainly no sense of appreciating myself.  Healing is painful and I still struggle to love all of me.  There are days I struggle to love any of me, and there are reasons for that I know I will face someday.  But I know the truth: honoring who I am is the only way through.  Love is the only way to see all that we truly are.  We are so quick to offer love to those around us even if it comes at our own expense all while dismissing our own needs and worth.  We act like we don’t need the same love we give and that we aren’t even worthy of it if we did need it. 

I’ve often read things like, “Speak to yourself like you would a child,” or, “Speak to yourself like you’re younger self.”  Those things really weren’t helpful because I never learned how to love who I am and I was never demonstrated any patience as a child—seen and not heard, straight from my grandmother.  My parents weren’t like that but they certainly valued the quiet and the rules.  Perfection made life easier and there was always a certain way for things to be done.  And honestly they didn’t know how to love themselves either.  My mother was raised by a woman who demanded perfection and cleanliness because of how it reflected on her.  Not to say she wasn’t a loving woman, but it skewed my mother’s perception of what she had to offer because her actions were never based on her wants and needs.  My dad went to work for the family business.  Again, not that he suffered, but he wasn’t taught any emotional intelligence. He knew love but business came first so he didn’t know how to manage that love.

Sometimes we have to learn how to love ourselves again.  We need to understand that the same patience and tolerance we give to others needs to be spread to us as well.  And we need to know that we can’t get that from anyone but ourselves.  We know ourselves the best and we need to be our greatest advocate and ally.  At the end of the day that is all we have, ourselves.  Of course I recommend building a support system and finding people who understand, respect, and lift us up, but what happens in those really dark moments?  We need to pick ourselves up first.  I do believe we have the families we have for a reason and, for me, it is about learning my worth.  I came years after my family had been together and I know that dynamic shifted.  I know they felt the strain when I came and all I ever wanted was acceptance.  The lessons I’m learning is to accept myself.  We can love ourselves no matter what, and yes, that is what carries us.