Trigger Warning: Topics of Self-Harm

“Don’t worry about getting it right.  There is no getting it right.  There’s just learning and change and healing and growing and trying again.  Be here for all of it,”  Jessica Hesser.  A beautiful follow up to yesterday’s piece.  As we peel back the layers of healing sometimes we see how deeply entrenched our behaviors are.  I’m not talking about those moments when we’re repeating a cycle because we still have a lesson to learn.  I’m talking about unearthing the deepest level of our feelings for ourselves.  I spent a lot of time hating myself, to the point of actively trying to kill myself.  When that didn’t work, I maimed myself through cutting.  At the time, with skewed thoughts, those actions made sense to me—they explained the emotion and I thought I deserved it.  Now I see how ludicrous that thought pattern is/was.  How could I hate myself so much?  I would never allow those closest to me to do something like that.  Why did allow it to happen to myself?

I thought I had to get it right and I thought any mistake was some sort of permanent mark against me.  Any sign of imperfection or people not liking me simply added to my own self-hatred.  But what did I hate?  I hated the fundamental things about myself I couldn’t change…how I looked, how I felt, how I understood things (and how I didn’t understand them).  It took me a really long time to understand that there was no getting it right.  It took me even longer to understand that we have a say in what happens in our lives.  It isn’t about becoming what we are supposed to, it’s about becoming who we are.  So as I continue this journey, I’m still finding little wounds and old habits that turn me against myself.  We all need those reminders that progress, no matter how small, is progress.  No one person is right or wrong (except when it comes to hurting/controlling or thinking we have power over other people…that’s wrong). 

There is freedom in that acceptance because we learn to accept ourselves, and when we set ourselves free, we see the magic of who we can be.  For me, that first step was seeing that possibility in others and hyping them up to go for their wildest dreams.  I wasn’t ready to accept that those options were available to myself and I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to do anyway.  Removing the pressure of getting it right is immensely freeing.  Knowing that we can take one step and it’s a progression is empowering.  Healing what hurt us and seeing how we hurt ourselves is one of the most loving the acts we can do—and we all need to do it.  When we are told that parts of us are unlovable, we need to learn to love those parts the most.  There is no room for hatred of ourselves in moving forward.  Heal, forgive (especially ourselves) and learn our purpose.  Then learn to take those steps toward purpose.  It all makes sense eventually, no matter how messy, no matter what it looks like to others.