“Match the frequency of the reality you want and you cannot help but get it,” Einstein.  Clarity of intention and defining what you want begins with bringing light to our authentic self.  It means understanding our worth and developing our purpose out of our gifts.  The things we want, want us, and if we feel that call inside, it is our responsibility to answer it.  We spoke last week about how few answer the call.  Do not let that voice go quietly.  Do not let the external noise, the voices of others, the demands of a society that doesn’t fully understand you, silence what is within you.  If we hear the call, be bold enough to step into the frequency of that level.  Tell it, “Yes you can” and work toward whatever that may be.  Sometimes it’s as simple as saying, “Yes,” and being open to receiving.   

Those are two tricky facets: hearing the truth and being open to actually getting it.  People pleasing, social constructs, images we need to uphold all get in the way of diving deep enough to understand what the inner workings of our souls are saying.  It takes a LOT of work to break out of the energy we are in because we are so engrained and trained to simply do what we have always done.  Changing frequency is not for the weak by any means.  Hearing what we actually need requires a different level of quiet, one that noise cancelling headphones do nothing for.  In a world that demands we control everything around us, it means controlling the voice within us.  It means letting go of what we know in favor of what we KNOW, if that makes sense.  Then it means being patient enough or open enough to receive it.   

There is a point where we hear the call but we also need to remember that we are worthy of the things we desire.  It isn’t selfish, wasteful, or egotistical to respond to our gifts.  We were given these things for a reason, not to put them on the shelf until they wither away unused.  Our gifts aren’t meant to be wasted, they are meant to be developed and shared.  Tell the universe we want more and believe we are worthy of receiving it.  It’s being in favor of the idea that we can do something other than what has been done before. The world is meant to evolve and us with it.  There is very real anthropological proof of evolution through time, and proof of the cultural evolution/revolution as well.  Why wouldn’t we be part of that?  We are all here because someone decided to take the chance and develop a thought, to chase a dream.  We can do the same.  Find the frequency, and jump into it.  It isn’t about keeping status quo any longer, as if our ancestors created this to be a lasting thing.  Now is the time to move forward again.  Break the mold, step into who we are. 

I mentioned a friend of mine had surgery the other day and that I’ve been spending time with her during recovery.  I admire her strength in this journey because, even though it was a common surgery, it was a life altering procedure, and she has taken it well.  I know the physical toll over the years has weighed on her, so I’m getting the sense that she was ready for this procedure rather than fearing or lamenting it, but there is still a lot to process when your body changes.  But what has stood out to me is how we’ve come together, her and I, her family, our mutual friends to support her through this.  What really stood out to me has been her partnership with her husband.  This isn’t a piece to bash my husband, but it was a revelation in something I’m looking for.

My husband is a good man, a good person. He’s often the first to help his friends when they ask.  He’s smart, he is talented to a scary degree—I’ve never seen anyone who can watch a video on ANY topic and be able to replicate the result—it doesn’t matter what the topic is, he can do it (I’m completely jealous of that).  The problem is he wasn’t raised to recognize that in himself so he doesn’t believe in what he can do and it makes him hesitant to go after what he really wants because he doesn’t think he can get it.  Because of that, we often spend time fighting over our needs.  He isn’t always able to identify the real need behind his need for validation and attention (the real need is belief in himself) and that lack of awareness makes it hard for him to identify my needs as his partner.  My love language switches, but one that I constantly land on is acts of service.  I’m not asking for servitude, but it means the world to me when my partner sees that I need help and steps in.  I don’t want to beg for help with the basics.  We both use the dishes, we can both do the dishes, especially if you’re home 6 hours before me.  But seeing my friends’ relationship, I see something deeper as well: a true knowing of each other, a real partnership. 

I see a genuine love there, a care for his partner where if she does better, he does better.  Taking care of her isn’t a chore or an obligation, it’s something he wants to do.  They want to make each other better and he is more than willing to do his part because she needs it at the moment.  He doesn’t expect 50/50 right now, he just picks up what needs to be done.  He shows this in the attention he gives her with what she says she needs AND with what she doesn’t.  She and I had been talking in the weeks prior and I’d been sending her messages of support, saying she’s got this up until her procedure.  He knew it meant a lot to her so he bought her a notebook with, “I got this” on it for when she got out of surgery.  I’m grateful to see that because it reminds me of the little things my husband does for me and how important they are, and that is a foundation of support I want to create with him.  I can give that as well.   

The other side of this is that we can’t rely on our partners to give us what we need.  We need to know how to care for ourselves, we need to understand what we need, we need to know how to explain what we need, and we need to know how to walk away when those needs aren’t being met.  Clearly I’m not talking about silly demands, I’m talking about the real needs that we help our partners with.  I’m talking about the deepest parts of ourselves.  Our partner isn’t meant to make us happy, they are meant to create with us.  We are meant to build things together and to support each other because when one does better the other does better.  We lift each other up.  It isn’t about fulfilling each other’s needs, it’s about complementing them.  That is a beautiful relationship.  I’m grateful to see where I need to shore up my responsibilities to my partner, and I’m grateful to see where I want to expand.

Trigger Warning: Discussion of Self-Harm

I was raised with a fairly skewed definition of ego.  Celebrating our accomplishments was not something we ever did.  We barely celebrated birthdays.  There were rarely moments we would spotlight anyone because it was unspoken that it wasn’t right, that other people deserved it more.  I spent so much of my youth people pleasing, getting good grades, asking if I was good enough, trying to get the highest achievements, trying to be the best so that maybe it would be celebrated.  It isn’t that I craved the spotlight (although there were some real circumstances where I did), I just wanted to know that I was good enough.  As I’m doing the healing work, I struggle with any spotlight on me, even if it is deserved.  Quite frankly the definition of what I deserve is also skewed—I will always find someone who “deserves” it more than I do.  But I still look for ways to be recognized.

It took me a long time to work through wanting recognition and feeling like it was only ego.  The truth is we all have a point where we need to be heard and seen.  It isn’t necessarily about being the best—but I was trained that only the best deserve recognition.    That left me wanting to be heard and/or seen for anything I did and I wanted to be the best so I could be heard or seen.  Ironically even if I was the best, I was basically told, “Good, what’s next?” The real me was never allowed out simply because the best version of me was all that was allowed out.  The authentic voice was locked away and told to be quiet early on, but the need to be heard and seen as my true self never went away.  As I got older, my mind catastrophized any mistake I made to the point I rejected any mistake and started cutting and I cut for over 10 years.  My brain could NOT process imperfection but it couldn’t understand that it was struggling with imperfection, so I took out my internal frustrations physically to have a reason for the hurt, the failure, the rejection, whatever it was.      

I struggle daily with liking myself.  That’s partially why I do this work, why I share these stories—I NEVER want anyone to feel like their authenticity is something to be ashamed of, like they are unheard or that they need to be perfect to be heard.  No one needs to earn the right to express who they are.  EVERYONE has value and needs to share that.  If I can make sure others remember that in themselves, it feels good.  The definition of ego is changing and I see there is a difference between ego and honoring self.  The difference lies in surrender.  Ego says we have to be right, be perfect, be on top, that we need to earn our way.  Honoring self says we can take our hands off the wheel and we will get where we are meant to be.  The work I do is to give that distinction and to spread some hope that our light is important and needed.  It’s not ego to share who we are—it’s ego to control the situation to make sure everyone likes who we are.

When we suppress that inner voice, it finds new ways to be heard.  Ways that seem like they will claw their way out of us if necessary.  Rather than bury who wo are, or hide that part in shame, we have to start asking it what it wants.  Sometimes it isn’t even to have the world see it, it’s simply for us to shine a light on it and let it know we hear it, that we know it’s there.  It wants to be integrated into what we do.  And no, these voices aren’t necessarily flashy—that voice may want you to cook an amazing meal for yourself and share how you take care of your physical form.  It isn’t how big the light is, it’s simply to bring light to it.  We all have gifts, we are all worthy, and we all have a voice that needs to be heard.  We are meant to be heard.  We are meant to teach each other.  Don’t let anyone convince us otherwise. 

I’m reading Glow in the F*cking Dark by Tara Schuster and she talks about work she’s done with her therapist to reach the truth, the reality of her emotions.  I didn’t realize how often we mistake one feeling for another, or how often we label what is really underneath as something else.  For example, the body stats expressing some form of frustration or anxiety when we really feel anger but we say that we are frustrated or anxious.  We are trained to not show what’s really underneath so we suppress it enough until other things start to tweak us out for lack of a better word.  We are trained to not express honest emotion truthfully and that lack of expression does weird stuff to the body, mind, and soul; there is also a socially accepted emotion to express, ie, frustrated is accepted while anger is not, because anger is irrational for women.  That is when we start to feel lost or feel a lack of trust in ourselves and the universe.  We are training ourselves that our instincts aren’t real, that what we feel isn’t real—the reality is we lie outwardly about the inward happenings and that is what creates chaos internally AND externally.

Schuster also discusses the work she has done with her therapist to identify the real emotion underlying our outward expression.  The exercise that stood out to me was backing up the current emotion until you can dig deep enough to see what the real issue is.  She specifically calls out that when we are anxious, it isn’t always because we are anxious.  IS there a physical reason (clothing too tight which makes our heart race, did we drink too much caffeine, are we trying to meet unrealistic expectations—ours or other’s).  Once we give light to what we actually feel, we have ground to process the emotion.  We can’t work with what’s really happening if we don’t see what’s really happening.  If we operate like that we end up putting band-aids over the wound instead of sutures and that wound will continue opening until we figure out how to fix it. 

My own example of finding the real emotion is the outward expression of intense anxiety.  I struggle with it every day, and we all know some days are better than others.  But last night when I was reading about digging to the root, the real issue, I had a breakthrough of sorts.  I’m anxious for logistical reasons:  my attention is pulled in too many directions and I’m operating under unreal expectations.  I am not exaggerating when I say I haven’t been able to finish a work project in a day in months because my teams are working on different things.  I am also anxious for soul reasons: I feel the essence of who I am has been ignored, and I am tired of being ignored.  That was the part I thought was ego at first (of course some of it is ego, there is no life and death reason in this day and age to NEED to be heard), but I realized it is from the soul.  The ego wants to be seen, but the soul NEEDS to be seen.  We need to be given the opportunity to show our highest self, and when that part of us isn’t heard, it’s devastating.  No wonder I’m frustrated outwardly.  Inwardly, I’m FURIOUS.  Why am I denying the truth of myself to be seen, why are people walking all over me?  Physically I feel invisible because of my stature—emotionally and spiritually, I can’t stand being unseen. 

It’s incredibly powerful work to find that root.  It was around midnight when I read the passage about this exercise in Schuster’s book and a burning warmth started spreading in my heart and stomach.  That is my sign that I’ve hit a point that speaks to me, a point that hurts but it’s a truth.  Knowing I’m angry and knowing why I’m angry allows me to redefine the issue.  Yes, I have very real cause for anxiety and that can be rectified with some new decisions about the direction of my life.  No one can operate under that kind of stress for long, the mind isn’t meant to be torn like that.  But the anger is what has done me in.  The anger has caused confusion and hurt, and not processing that I AM angry created chaos in my mind because I didn’t think I was allowed to be angry.  I confused the need to be heard and seen with ego.  It wasn’t my physical being that needed to be seen, it was my soul.  It feels much better understanding this now.  What are you really feeling?

Today I am grateful for resilience.  I spent a lot of time avoiding hard things because I really didn’t think I could handle it.  What would happen if I messed up?  How would I fix it if it broke?  Who would actually be there to help me if it went wrong?  I couldn’t wrap my head around the benefit of aversity.  I still struggle with it a bit, but I do see the value now.  In adversity, in working the muscles we don’t normally use (whether physical, mental, spiritual, financial), we develop a strength.  We learn new ways to adapt and new ways to handle different situations.  More importantly, we develop our resilience.  We learn that the body and spirit are far more capable of handling things than we knew.  We are fed a line that life is either meant to be super hard or that it is meant to be easy—but there is a middle ground.  The reality is we need challenge to develop ourselves, but there is a sweet spot of ease in there.  I am grateful for learning the resilience and the true capacity of what I’m capable of. 

Today I am grateful for nature.  Yesterday my husband, son, and I worked in the yard.  We are prepping for the summer, for growing our little garden, and for the long germ with our yard in general.  I hadn’t been outside like that in months.  I haven’t worked in the earth since last year.  I didn’t realize how much I missed it and how much I needed it.  It was a real communion with the Earth. As I pulled weeds (the non-helpful ones), I felt myself sink in.  We looked up more plants that we want to have to help keep mosquitos away and how we want to place things.  Our yard is pretty plain at the moment, so it was just nice to look forward and see what we can get.  It was beautiful to be outside again.

Today I am grateful for surprises.  My son s turning into a little gamer and he is obsessed with Mario.  He’s been asking for a particular Mario game for quite a while and we finally found a copy at a reasonable price a bit farther out from our town.  We took a little adventure, and I realized that, even though it wasn’t that far, I had never really been to this place before.  The town surprised me and it seemed a bit like it was stuck in time.  Yes, everything was a bit newer, but it reminded me of when I was younger and going off on my own for the first time.  I can’t explain it.  There was the joy of seeing my son’s face, the kindness in his heart when he told me I could have the plushie he wanted, and then there was the nostalgia/excitement of being someplace new that seemed from a different era.  It was kind of trippy, but it was a great surprise for all of us.

Today I am grateful for patterns.  I’ve been struggling with breaking patterns and with finding the patterns I want to keep in my life.  I’ve been stuck in the same routine for years now, just trying to get through the day, but I’m seeing the transition to a more creative lifestyle requires thinking in different ways.  I’ve recognized what no longer fits, and while I am not at a point where I can actively do something about it, I can steer my ship in the direction of what I do want.  The formation of new patterns takes time, and seeing where I’m going helps me hone in on what feels right for me.  The patterns that need to take place in order to shift me toward the life I want are slowly but surely taking hold.  Where I was angry or frustrated before, I’m really bored.  I’m hearing the call for something else and I’m grateful to feel that.

Today I’m grateful for eliminating.  There is a thing for Spring cleaning that I didn’t feel before.  It was always nice to open the house and feel the change of the weather, but I have a deep urge to purge and eliminate now.  It’s time to construct the life I want and release the things that no longer serve.  I have a lot of attachment to things so this is a big step for me.  Trusting that I have no need of what I used before, stepping into myself, honoring who I was and seeing that who I am no longer needs to hold onto those things.  I’m not rampaging and getting rid of it all, no.  But I’m more carefully considering what I need in my life.  Going back to being in the yard, I’m seeing that I want to spend more time in the Earth and creating things than I want to accumulate more stuff.  It’s about creation, not consumption. 

Today I am grateful for truth.  I’ve been receiving feelings and signs that a truth of some sort is coming out but I couldn’t quite place my finger on what it would be.  Over the last few days, tensions have been building, kind of like a storm brewing.  All at once an issue with some friends came to a head and an issue with my husband and his family came to a head.  In both cases, it’s important to see the truth so you know who you want in your life, who supports you.  When it comes to my friends, we are all old enough to make our choices and to respect the choices of others.  If they don’t respect my choices then so be it.  When it comes to my husband and his family, he is now blatantly aware of where he stands.  While it’s painful, the same lesson on support applies.  Their actions have no impact on who we are/who he is.  Stand firm in our ground and allow others to show themselves.  The truth always comes out.  When we see it, believe it, and be grateful to know.  

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead! 

Another appropriate follow up to answering the call and understanding the message so we can follow and act on the call is letting go of what we think we are.  I follow certain card readers and I share the cards I pull every Monday through Friday.  This past week the topics seem to align with my favorite card readers and myself in that they were all talking about the destruction of ego, how ego has held us back—or even that the ego of others has held us back.  Let’s talk about what ego is.  Ego is the belief that our self knows better than all.  It’s the voice inside that tells us that we must succeed and show success at all costs.  The need to be right and define wrong based on our own terms.  It’s the voice that makes others wrong as well if they don’t conform to what we think is right.

In order to truly hear what we are meant to do and hear the voice and then to follow it requires the utmost humility to know that we need to pivot, to know that we have flaws and are fallible.  There is a point when we know we have to let go of what we’ve done in order to move on to what we need or are meant to do.  It’s simultaneously knowing the feeling that something is right for us but that we may not be approaching it the right way.  We need to alter how we do something in order to see it through to fruition.  The ego wants an “I” to be right where as our purpose and service to the world wants us to do what is right. 

I share this in the spirit of opening and allowing the message of what we are supposed to do and receive flow through us rather than suggesting to the universe that we know better, that we have control.  The only control we need is to stay the course, steer in the direction to where we’re going.  The how isn’t that important—and that is a huge revelation for me.  Letting go of how we get there is a significant mark in allowing the universe in and demonstrating the readiness we need to step forward into who we are, to fulfill that purpose.  Ego has nothing to do with fulfillment of our given purpose, when you are ready to let go of what you think you need to do, that is putting aside your agenda and opening to the bigger picture.  Let go and invite the wildest adventure in.

Many are called, few listen.  Yes, this is the intentional message for today—I am spiritual, I am not overly religious (even though the original quote is in religious context) so I figured this was the perfect point to make for today.  When we stand up in our lives, when we answer the call of what we are meant to do, when we step into our authentic selves, we are sending the response to the universe that we are ready to answer our purpose—and we all have a purpose.  What are here to fulfill our purpose, it is as simple as that.  Answer the call.  Step up into who we are and be who we are meant to be. 

The funny thing is we often think we need to get the answer before we take action, but the universe doesn’t always work like that.  Sometimes we simply need to move, to send the message that we are ready to move into what’s next.  We need to set the intention, follow with action, and allow the answer to come.  We set the tone and open up to the flow.  It is an undertaking to step into who we are, I don’t pretend any of this work is easy.  The choice to undertake it is not to be taken lightly. 

Choosing to become one of the ones who respond and step into the light of who we are is truly a gift.  In spite of any overwhelm that may come from it, it is always worth it in the end.  It’s what we do.  It’s the definition of who we are.  Listening to the call also involves learning to listen and actually hear what is being said.  The point is becoming that version of ourselves.  Understanding the message depends on our experience and interpreting what we are told to co-create what we are meant to be.  Answer the call.

“No one ever made himself great by showing how small someone else is,” Irvin Himmel.  I love this as a follow up to yesterday.  When we own our power and step into our authentic selves, there is no concern to make ourselves appear a certain way because simply become and be who we are.  There is no need to worry about how other people look, to bring others down to make ourselves seem higher.  We simply use our flame to light other people’s candles because their candle doesn’t diminish ours, we glow brighter together.  Build each other up, straighten each other’s crowns and build the world we are meant to live in through helping each other achieve goals. 

I spent a lot of my life bullied and discriminated against for my appearance.  People took one look at me and assumed I was incompetent, too young, or that I was incapable and my words were dismissed before I even opened my mouth.  This isn’t a sob story, I use this to demonstrate that appearances can be deceiving and that the act of cutting someone off before we know them has impact.  No matter what we think of a person there is something else underneath, something that person doesn’t share.  We never know the full story.  Even in this day and age we still judge books by their cover.  With that being said, there are people who too often spend time smearing someone else’s story rather than writing our own.  When we focus on other people’s issues or try to make them seem a certain way, that is time spent away from our own objective.  Time we could use to work toward our goal.

The long and short of it is keep your own house in order.  Take time to objectively, literally, and figuratively water your own grass and see how green you can make it rather than taking time to smear others.  You don’t get very far wasting your time being critical of others, running around the base of the mountain telling others they are doing it wrong, when that time can be spent climbing the mountain.  It takes a lot to shut out the noise and focus on goals.  It takes even more practice to shut out the noise from others.  But make sure we aren’t the ones creating noise for the sake of hearing our own voices in other’s lives.  Don’t cut people down for the progress they’ve made, we don’t know what it took to get there.  Celebrate our greatness and celebrate the greatness of others.   

Yesterday, we spoke about the value in being who we are and sharing that with the world, the value of being seen as who we are.  This past week I found myself struggling with who people truly are and the why behind their actions.  I’ve always struggled with seeing the kindness on one side and the ruthlessness on the other of people.  I mean, I know we need to be capable of doing what we need to do because we can’t expect others will always have the best intentions for us.  It goes back to the purpose behind the action. Are you trying to be seen as a good person or are you being a good person?  Maybe there is a little bit of both in all of us if what I said about being capable of doing what we need to do is true. 

The last few days we’ve been talking about aligning, finding our purpose, allowing our authentic selves be seen, and understanding that it doesn’t have to be a grand show—we just need to be who we are.  But if we want people to see us a certain way, that isn’t the authenticity required to be on display—that’s the show again.  I have people in my life who demonstrate some of the outwardly kindest behaviors I’ve seen, things I want to be capable of doing like sharing money without fear or hesitation, going above and beyond to share some happiness without demanding it back, or even balancing what seems unmanageable so others don’t break.  But peeks into some of the deeper layers made me question if these people simply want to be seen doing good.  I don’t want to be a pawn in that and I don’t want to drain my energy keeping up with that. 

We can watch and learn all day but if there isn’t anything genuine being displayed then that isn’t something we want to emulate.  If we are able to get the message from someone who isn’t fully their authentic selves, then perhaps it is up to us to find that authenticity in ourselves and share it with the world.  Either that or it is at least a lesson to find that within ourselves and let go of the fear of being seen.  It’s a lot of work.  But we don’t need to fear the work, we just need to do it.  We need to trust that aligning with our purpose is half the battle and that we are meant to share who we are so the rest of the world can glow with us as well. 

Myleik Teele shared a reel the other day that struck me, especially after writing the piece yesterday that we just need to do our part.  We spend so much of our time curating our lives, making our daily living look a certain way that we don’t always live that existence.  We try to make our value in something that appears a certain way rather than appreciating the value(s) that we live. Simply, Teel stated that our purpose doesn’t have to be big to have value.  We simply need to live with purpose.  We need to show the truth of who we are because we all play a part in this universe no matter how big or small.  Literally it doesn’t matter the size, it’s the impact. 

The Butterfly Effect suggests that something as small as the flap of a butterfly’s wings can cause a tsunami across the world.  In that regard, our actions, especially the small ones, add up and have impact.  It’s important what we do with our time, not what we make our time look like.  Appearance is fleeting, action is forever.  So, when the universe aligned as it did the other day as described in yesterday’s piece, that truly was enough.  We don’t always see what we do but people still need to see what we do, if that makes sense.  Yes, I still stand behind the silent action, that what we do isn’t necessarily for attention.  But people need to witness that quiet work as well. 

The point in all of this is if you feel stuck or are wandering to land in a spot, keep going.  Don’t allow yourself to stay there feeling like you need to keep up appearances or become something you are not.  Keep going on the journey toward your fullest expression of who you are because that matters the most.  Being who you are.  That is clearly still a journey I am working on and I am sharing it with you because the most humbling part of becoming who we are is discovering that journey isn’t linear by a long shot.  The work may be tiring, it may feel like you’ve reached your end, but those moments when the stars align and the world seems to become the place it’s meant to be and you have your place in it are worth it.  Keep going.