As I’ve gotten older I’ve thought even harder about time.  I’ve thought about where I am and where I want to be and even about where I could or should have been.  When I was younger I never had one of those driving goals around who I am like, “This is what I want to do with the rest of my life.”  So I really didn’t pursue much of anything and I’ve spent a lot of time asking permission.  I’ve spent a lot of time waffling with indecision and fear and insecurity.  I’ve spent a lot of time trying to fix others and to fix myself.  I’ve spent the most time playing it safe, trying to please and appease everyone, to find my worth in my ability to deliver what anyone wanted.  All I wanted to was acceptance, for someone to tell me I was good enough, that they were happy/grateful for my presence.  Not that I wanted them reliant on me, but I wanted them to feel the weight of me, to grant and acknowledge that I had worth—and that was something I nearly never experienced from my peers.

Now that this time thing is constantly running through my head and that it has changed meaning, I realize I know longer have the drive, energy, or desire to keep running around the mountain asking for validation or approval or permission.  I’m not sure I have a clue how to begin the ascent versus the run, but I know I need to.  This may be another one of those pause to gain perspective and take stock things we talked about.  But every instinct in me is screaming that this is no longer it.  That I need to simply be here and figure it out.  And that I need to go against every instinct I have and stop moving.  I need to stop moving and put down the weight of what was never mine to carry.  I need to see, hear, and feel, and navigate every sense to know what the next step is.  This is the time to pause and breathe before taking the next step.  I can’t force action any longer because that’s all it is: activity.

Right in the middle of this ongoing existential crisis, a came across a familiar but long since viewed quote: “All you need is 20 seconds of insane courage for you to change your life,” Benjamin Mee.  It is courageous thing to stop as much as it is to go.  It’s a courageous thing to appreciate the opportunities we have and as courageous to decide to pursue one.  It’s courageous to stop following what you’ve been told and to take action on your own.  No, it isn’t about increasing activity, it’s about taking the right action.  It means stop over-explaining everything.  Get clear, not defensive.  Speak plainly, not in riddles.  Make the choice.  When you stop the running, when you find your peace, you find your place and your time to move forward.  The answers reveal themselves.  Time becomes irrelevant when you live on purpose, with intention.  THAT is where the peace is. Peace isn’t nestled in someone else’s definition of life, it’s in your own.