I mentioned a friend of mine had surgery the other day and that I’ve been spending time with her during recovery.  I admire her strength in this journey because, even though it was a common surgery, it was a life altering procedure, and she has taken it well.  I know the physical toll over the years has weighed on her, so I’m getting the sense that she was ready for this procedure rather than fearing or lamenting it, but there is still a lot to process when your body changes.  But what has stood out to me is how we’ve come together, her and I, her family, our mutual friends to support her through this.  What really stood out to me has been her partnership with her husband.  This isn’t a piece to bash my husband, but it was a revelation in something I’m looking for.

My husband is a good man, a good person. He’s often the first to help his friends when they ask.  He’s smart, he is talented to a scary degree—I’ve never seen anyone who can watch a video on ANY topic and be able to replicate the result—it doesn’t matter what the topic is, he can do it (I’m completely jealous of that).  The problem is he wasn’t raised to recognize that in himself so he doesn’t believe in what he can do and it makes him hesitant to go after what he really wants because he doesn’t think he can get it.  Because of that, we often spend time fighting over our needs.  He isn’t always able to identify the real need behind his need for validation and attention (the real need is belief in himself) and that lack of awareness makes it hard for him to identify my needs as his partner.  My love language switches, but one that I constantly land on is acts of service.  I’m not asking for servitude, but it means the world to me when my partner sees that I need help and steps in.  I don’t want to beg for help with the basics.  We both use the dishes, we can both do the dishes, especially if you’re home 6 hours before me.  But seeing my friends’ relationship, I see something deeper as well: a true knowing of each other, a real partnership. 

I see a genuine love there, a care for his partner where if she does better, he does better.  Taking care of her isn’t a chore or an obligation, it’s something he wants to do.  They want to make each other better and he is more than willing to do his part because she needs it at the moment.  He doesn’t expect 50/50 right now, he just picks up what needs to be done.  He shows this in the attention he gives her with what she says she needs AND with what she doesn’t.  She and I had been talking in the weeks prior and I’d been sending her messages of support, saying she’s got this up until her procedure.  He knew it meant a lot to her so he bought her a notebook with, “I got this” on it for when she got out of surgery.  I’m grateful to see that because it reminds me of the little things my husband does for me and how important they are, and that is a foundation of support I want to create with him.  I can give that as well.   

The other side of this is that we can’t rely on our partners to give us what we need.  We need to know how to care for ourselves, we need to understand what we need, we need to know how to explain what we need, and we need to know how to walk away when those needs aren’t being met.  Clearly I’m not talking about silly demands, I’m talking about the real needs that we help our partners with.  I’m talking about the deepest parts of ourselves.  Our partner isn’t meant to make us happy, they are meant to create with us.  We are meant to build things together and to support each other because when one does better the other does better.  We lift each other up.  It isn’t about fulfilling each other’s needs, it’s about complementing them.  That is a beautiful relationship.  I’m grateful to see where I need to shore up my responsibilities to my partner, and I’m grateful to see where I want to expand.