Trigger Warning: Discussion of Self-Harm

I was raised with a fairly skewed definition of ego.  Celebrating our accomplishments was not something we ever did.  We barely celebrated birthdays.  There were rarely moments we would spotlight anyone because it was unspoken that it wasn’t right, that other people deserved it more.  I spent so much of my youth people pleasing, getting good grades, asking if I was good enough, trying to get the highest achievements, trying to be the best so that maybe it would be celebrated.  It isn’t that I craved the spotlight (although there were some real circumstances where I did), I just wanted to know that I was good enough.  As I’m doing the healing work, I struggle with any spotlight on me, even if it is deserved.  Quite frankly the definition of what I deserve is also skewed—I will always find someone who “deserves” it more than I do.  But I still look for ways to be recognized.

It took me a long time to work through wanting recognition and feeling like it was only ego.  The truth is we all have a point where we need to be heard and seen.  It isn’t necessarily about being the best—but I was trained that only the best deserve recognition.    That left me wanting to be heard and/or seen for anything I did and I wanted to be the best so I could be heard or seen.  Ironically even if I was the best, I was basically told, “Good, what’s next?” The real me was never allowed out simply because the best version of me was all that was allowed out.  The authentic voice was locked away and told to be quiet early on, but the need to be heard and seen as my true self never went away.  As I got older, my mind catastrophized any mistake I made to the point I rejected any mistake and started cutting and I cut for over 10 years.  My brain could NOT process imperfection but it couldn’t understand that it was struggling with imperfection, so I took out my internal frustrations physically to have a reason for the hurt, the failure, the rejection, whatever it was.      

I struggle daily with liking myself.  That’s partially why I do this work, why I share these stories—I NEVER want anyone to feel like their authenticity is something to be ashamed of, like they are unheard or that they need to be perfect to be heard.  No one needs to earn the right to express who they are.  EVERYONE has value and needs to share that.  If I can make sure others remember that in themselves, it feels good.  The definition of ego is changing and I see there is a difference between ego and honoring self.  The difference lies in surrender.  Ego says we have to be right, be perfect, be on top, that we need to earn our way.  Honoring self says we can take our hands off the wheel and we will get where we are meant to be.  The work I do is to give that distinction and to spread some hope that our light is important and needed.  It’s not ego to share who we are—it’s ego to control the situation to make sure everyone likes who we are.

When we suppress that inner voice, it finds new ways to be heard.  Ways that seem like they will claw their way out of us if necessary.  Rather than bury who wo are, or hide that part in shame, we have to start asking it what it wants.  Sometimes it isn’t even to have the world see it, it’s simply for us to shine a light on it and let it know we hear it, that we know it’s there.  It wants to be integrated into what we do.  And no, these voices aren’t necessarily flashy—that voice may want you to cook an amazing meal for yourself and share how you take care of your physical form.  It isn’t how big the light is, it’s simply to bring light to it.  We all have gifts, we are all worthy, and we all have a voice that needs to be heard.  We are meant to be heard.  We are meant to teach each other.  Don’t let anyone convince us otherwise.