This moment feels like a rebirth to me.  I’ve been searching for myself for ages, trying to go back and change things, to find the feelings I had when I last felt good, to find ways to stay afloat, living in fear of not “making it” in the respect of keeping my life moving forward.  I’ve been trying to be everything to everyone but myself.  My energies have been scrambled, trying to find the essence of who I am running between three significant projects at once, feeling like a failure.  I’ve also been blaming the external for my situation.  We all have struggle in certain situations where we become the victim and I am no exception but I allowed myself to stay the victim and that victimhood not only became the mentality, it became the reality.  I wanted people to see what they did to me as wrong.  I wanted them to know what they did not only hurt, but that they needed to make amends for it.  I was the martyr who constantly sacrificed my needs hoping they would see how they wronged me.  But how could they see that when I allowed it?

I bult this story of “no way out” and that I needed to do the right thing by my family.  In the process I became angry, unfocused, lost, and more afraid than I was when I started. The truth is, I was unaware of the opportunities available to me because I wasn’t taught until much later to create the opportunities I wanted or even how to look for the opportunities that I wanted.  I didn’t know how to define what I wanted as far as the feeling.  I knew I didn’t want to continue down the path in front of me, but I didn’t know how to get off of it.  Yes, I could articulate it to others and share the journey of my personal moments of enlightenment, but it wasn’t enough.  I needed to experience it.  I needed to dive into the feeling of it myself. 

I guess everyone gets to a point where they are sincerely sick of what they are doing.  They are sick of their patterns and the things that they’ve allowed into their lives.  There is also a point for some of us where we simply want more—not necessarily in the material aspect, but in the sense that we want more from life.  For me, I realized I was tired of the same arguments, the same day, the same feelings, the same stories over and over again.  I didn’t want to live my life on repeat and call it living.  I had a breakthrough amidst a breakdown and that was this: if I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired, it’s time to be healthy and bring vitality back.  It’s time to get aware of how to make the feelings I want happen, how to make the life I want happen.  It’s time to stop worrying about the security of the nest and start learning to fly. 

The reason this moment is a rebirth is because I’m celebrating my life, I’m no longer mourning it.  No, things aren’t perfect, things aren’t how I thought they would be, but this is different than looking for that path.  This is pausing and sitting until I’m aware enough to know which way to go.  It’s deciding that I don’t need to be a victim or a martyr to make my point for others.  It isn’t about being a doormat or a stepping stone for others, it’s about being a doorway.  It’s also about being the doorway for myself.  Choosing what feels right, choosing what makes sense to me, choosing the next steps based on my values and how I want to live.  Most importantly finally believing that I can do that as well.  I’ve said it before, my neurosis about my worth and ability to follow through doesn’t negate anything I’ve shared previously—I believe in everything I’ve learned and shared.  But now that I can be an active participant, we might get a little further together.  I thank you for sharing in this moment with me.