“Kill the urge to be chosen.  Choose yourself. This is the beginning of loving yourself—welcome home,” Soleoado.  This is part of the process of letting things fall apart, of finding the pieces of ourselves that need to be recognized.  Couples fight and my husband and I had a doozy over this past week—it was different than before.  We didn’t yell, we talked a lot and understood that we are in different places.  Neither one of us knew what to do next but we both understood that we were each other’s problem in the respect that we are fundamentally viewing life differently, we have different goals.  This can be one of those things that needs to fall apart in order to find who we are.  It didn’t hurt to hear that we are going in two directions, it hurt that 1. We weren’t taking the time to figure out how to honor each other’s needs/cooperate with each other to make them happen and 2. That we weren’t making a clear decision to end things if we didn’t want to support the other.

I realized I was waiting for his validation to approve of what I wanted and I was stubbornly invalidating what he wanted.  Ironically, it isn’t that I don’t want what he wants, it’s the way we are going about it that I struggle with—we are undercutting our own goals and I no longer want to cry victim, I want to actively go after what we want.  I couldn’t communicate that clearly.  For most of our relationship, I’ve cleaned up any mess thrown my way.  Financial, clutter, deep cleaning, laundry, emotional, legal trouble.  I’ve maintained the day to day responsibilities.  Paying the mortgage, buying groceries, doctor’s appointments, vet appointments, getting everyone ready in the morning.  I’ve maintained the social obligations like birthdays, showers, weddings, parties, family gatherings.  It has become too much to maintain on my own and I told him so.  I no longer wanted the validation of being a good wife, I just want my sanity back.  I want my time back so I can go after what I want to instead of waking up at 3am to squeeze in some me time.  I did all that because I wanted him to choose me, to know that I’m a catch.  Some of it was fun, yes, but the truth is, I wanted recognition and validation from him that I was good.

I knew during this argument/fight/coming to reality that I was going to have to choose myself even more—I also knew that he was going to have to do the same thing.  I don’t want him miserable and agreeing to a life he doesn’t want anymore than I want to do that.  I would have to decide to let go of the need for that validation and go after what I wanted.  That also meant KNOWING firmly and clearly what I wanted.  I know that I want to live my life differently than what I’m doing now.  As much as I have improved, there is more to do and more to step up and into. I don’t know what the future holds but I know that I will be with me until my last day so I have to do what works for me over what I think others want.  People are adaptable and there comes a point where they will either shift with or away.  Loving ourselves enough to honor who we are and go for the lives we are meant to have is a huge commitment.  But it’s better than being miserable and hoping for the life of our dreams to fall in our laps.  And even if the person we chose doesn’t choose us back, it may not be US, it’s a matter of them honoring who they are as well.  Reasons, seasons, and lifetimes—let it happen.