The other day I spoke about my frustration with people not looking at the big picture and how that turned into a moment with my husband. I want to add more to that conversation and take away some of the high-horse attitude. When I say these things about growth and change and knowing our place in the universe, I genuinely mean them. If we are ever going to truly create a space, create a world where people are truly aligned with each other and the universe, and we all understand the miracle nature of this existence, we HAVE to stop solely thinking of ourselves. Ironically, we need to make sure our individual needs are met before we are able to pour into anyone else’s cup. I wrote that piece about my husband and I because I love him and the growth we experience seems to be awakening things in both of us that are incongruent and the thought of not being with him should those things become too different terrifies me. I’m human.
Sometimes it takes seeing someone in a new light to really appreciate who they are. I’ve said it a million times, growth/creation is destructive. You give up what you were for what you must become because those people can’t exist together. Pieces may come with you, but you can’t exist as that person if you want to do and be someone else. A couple of days after that conversation, after marinating in an icky soup of not knowing who I was and remembering all the errors of the past, my husband and I spoke again. I told him I don’t want to ever force someone to do things for me just to keep me quiet. If we are going to walk the path together, I want that person to be there willingly. One, for their sake, it is simply easier. Two if we are walking the same path we can find the way together. Three, it’s exhausting taking people where they don’t want to be.
During that second conversation, my husband clarified that he does love our life together and he thanked me. He said, “You make me a better man and the person I need to be.” I know some may read that and call bullshit or they may think it was a romantic moment. My immediate response to him was panic and that was what I tried to articulate during our last conversation. You’re only doing these things to shut me up, not because you want to or because that’s who you are. I replied to him, “But is that the man you WANT to be? I don’t want to make you be this person if that is not you.” I was proud I could explain the difference in motivation. If that motivation is ever external, the changes will never be genuine. I do not want to be resented for forcing someone to be who they are not, no matter the potential I see.
And in that moment, before he replied anything else, I realized the fear I had was about not being heard or seen for who I am as well as ending up like my parents—resenting each other after decades together for not hearing or seeing what the other one truly needed. We have to have the capacity to give the other person what they need as much as we need it from them. And then there are the things we simply must be able to do for ourselves because no one will ever be able to fulfill them. So now the question becomes what can we do for each other. Neither of us is owed anything—we just need to decide how we move forward. I spoke about a similar instance between us several months ago, and I notice that this evolution is a bit circular—a struggle to climb up, then each acclimating a different way, then coming together. I sincerely appreciate my husband and I see how much he does for us and I think that is a nice reminder that, simply, we just need to get back to appreciating each other. Once that is right in our own world, we can take on the next.