I want to talk about divine timing as it relates to stagnation. I’ve always been impatient. I’m a doer and I literally always had to be doing something whether it was productive or not. My mind races a million miles an hour in a million different directions on about five or six different tracks at the same time, so I HAVE to do something to keep myself occupied. For example, even as I write this, I have three other pieces going through my head at the same time—and I know I will forget them if I don’t acknowledge them now. The point is that I’ve struggled to accept or believe that anything will result from my actions and now it makes sense: I’ve never allowed for the follow through. I’ve never allowed anything to get done because I was always doing and not finishing. It kept me exactly where I was, running the same track over and over again for years, thinking I was possibly getting somewhere when I was just widening the circle (we’ve talked about that before).
Last weekend I woke up on Saturday and the laundry list of things that needed to be done immediately went through my head. I got overwhelmed and I couldn’t tell if it was because I overcommitted or if I just wasn’t happy or if this is just life. So, I started checking some things off the list and then I sat down to do my cards and they talked about flow and I wrote a brief caption about adjusting the sails and letting it happen. Shortly after that, I came across the opening quote from yesterday’s post about healing and releasing baggage that can’t be taken with you. And immediately after that, I read a piece by Logan Ellisen talking about trusting divine timing. There is no way those three things can be coincidence. So I listened and I realized that all of the emotion I’ve been harboring has been about that. I’ve been carrying too much with me when I need to leave it where it belongs: in the past.
It’s funny how that type of timing works because for weeks I’ve been wrestling with the idea of the type of person I am. My brain isn’t always a kind place so I’ve been edging on some darkness with these thoughts. I’ve said it before, learning the truth about who we are is not work for the weak. It is heavy and it hurts. For example, all this time with my son, I’ve thought I was engaging with him and showing him different experiences (aside from video games) and trying to make him happy. Trying to give him memories that I had as a child and things I enjoyed doing. We had a conversation, and as five year olds do, he told me he doesn’t like me. He also said I wasn’t the only parent in the house and those things got me really thinking. I’ve been trying to make my kid like me. Instead of meeting him where he is, I’ve been seeking approval from my child just as I’ve sought approval from everyone else my whole life. That isn’t fair to him to carry that burden.
So, when it comes to stagnation, I’ve learned that waiting for someone’s approval or permission isn’t going to move me forward. That is some of the baggage I need to leave behind. I can’t carry that with me. Making people like me isn’t allowing me to be me. It isn’t allowing for authentic expression because I’m tailored to what you expect of me. THAT has to stop. What moves us forward is doing—but in the form of productive action, not activity. For the brain that veers off easily, this is when you have to learn to pause long enough to assess whether or not that activity is aligning or getting you closer to what you want. Then you can make a decision to continue or to find something else to do. The more you can do things that get you closer to what you are meant to do, the further ahead you will be and THAT is the farthest thing from stagnation—that is productive.