It’s Not That Serious

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We’ve been working on a huge project at work for new legislation that went into effect this year.  I was the initial lead on this project and I dove in wholeheartedly.  It was interesting and I took the time to understand what we were going for.  After some time, it became apparent that I understood the work, but I didn’t understand how to implement it.  I will fully admit that.  I wasn’t prepared to implement new legislation in spite of knowing what needed to be done.  My boss gave the project over to a couple of other leaders and at first it hurt, but I realized there were simply things I didn’t know.

As the project continued, something else became apparent: not one person knew how to implement this shit either.  A flash of anger came in as I saw this new group struggling with the exact same thing I did and I momentarily asked why it would be taken from me if we were in the exact same spot…and then it hit me: This is NOT the thing I want to be doing.  Making decisions about people’s health care based on a physician’s decision, taking responsibility for informing patients of what a physician is doing—it felt wrong.  Making decisions about healthcare that clearly profit a physician started making me sick.  And here we were sitting at this table trying to figure it out with no real guidance and something came over me: this isn’t it.  There are more important things in this world. 

Taking life seriously especially in this climate of EVERYTHING IS UNKNOWN is simply a waste of time.  There are a few things I know.  1. You can’t know something without learning it.  Simply put, if you aren’t taught how to do something, it will not magically come to you.  That isn’t to say innate talent doesn’t exist, but the world doesn’t work that way for all things.  A boss having an expectation for execution without direction is a recipe for failure.  2. Anyone who has that expectation is unrealistic and you don’t want to be there—at least I don’t.  3. Looking like you know something is given more creedence than ACTUALLY knowing something.  And that is when I had my break down.  I could laugh.  We were fighting for an appearance, not actual knowing.  In that context, you will never be enough for anyone and your worth can pivot in a second.

The most important thing is knowing ourselves.  Knowing when to cut through the bullshit ourselves and simply be who we are.  There is more worth in being ourselves rather than pretending you are something else.  And when we work so hard to project an image, we forget that everyone is projecting an image as well.  We take the image so seriously—we take the pretend more seriously than the reality.  And it feels so wrong. We start seeing the new reality.  Things that were true at one time are no longer true today.  It’s a game and then something happens where we don’t want to play anymore.  We have to play our own game—or no game at all.  The reality of it all is that no one knows what the hell they’re doing.  We are all just trying to figure it out.  Life is too short and too precious to be taken so seriously.  Take it while you can and love it while you have it.  You will never be this young again—just take it.

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