What Comes First?

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I drew some cards the other day that were about surrender and doing less to attract more.  Gabby Bernstein calls it manic manifesting when we try to get and do all the things at once.  I don’t know if it is partially an ADD thing (welcome to that in your late thirties by the way) or if it is all the mixed messages we get all day all the time that make us spiral and unable to focus.  Maybe it’s a combination of all that plus not being taught how to simply live our lives without outside interference.  But I also want to talk about what it means to surrender.  We’ve had conversations about that before, but stick with me.

I’ve made it abundantly clear that I have anxiety and fears and control issues.  I still think that is part of being naturally driven.  When there is so much you want to accomplish, it’s challenging to do one thing at a time.  When you know you have a high capacity to get things done, it’s easy to say yes to everything that crosses your path.  Learning to discern what is meant for you is really hard because there are days you feel invincible.  Throw in ADD and you can’t tell what you need to address first.  So for me, unpacking this looks like figuring out why I honestly want to do all the things.  Is it a matter of something that is genuinely interesting to me or is it something that I’m called to do?  Is it pride or proving or is it something I want to do?

Over the last week in particular, I’ve been getting a LOT of signs about slowing down.  There are moments I feel when I’ve taken on too much and I need a break, but there are times throughout the day when I feel really good and I know I can do it.  So it is difficult for me to break down what I should really be working on and what I need to let go.  Regardless of that, something is telling me to not take on too much.  To maybe let others do a bit more for themselves and for me.  Ironically, as that happens, my kid gets sick and my husband goes MIA.  That is an entirely different frustrating story, but the signs were there to slow down.  So maybe I’m supposed to learn something else about motherhood and embracing the pause. 

I also need to stop being so fatalistic—or at least stop being so hyperfocused on mortality.  I romanticized drama in my life for a long time, living some twisted Cinderella story where I thought I needed people to come and rescue me.  If my problems were severe enough, I could get someone to help me.  Then that turned into reading into everyday things meaning something awful happening.  So things like my kid getting a cold turn into, “Holy crap, maybe this is more serious and he’s dying and I really need to slow down to enjoy the time with him.”  Yes, I know, it’s insane.  But fatalizing events like that make me prone to take on even more than I should.  I feel like I have to fit in as much as possible while I am here. 

What I’ve noticed though is that starting all of these things with no follow through has gotten me nowhere.  I have stopped my own projects a million times to put my effort into someone else, then tried starring something new for myself.  This is how I end up building other people’s houses while my bricks lay scattered around me.  I can’t be the savior to everyone or the problem solver for those around me and I can’t expect others to solve my issues either.  I need to stop and focus on what I’m doing.  I need to surrender the goal of making everyone happy and take on the goal of solely focusing on my purpose.  I am too old to have a house unbuilt while I’ve been graced with the tools around me.  It’s time to shift the focus on my construction—and not building someone else’s plans on my foundation.  So that is how it begins.  Give over the ideal of being everything to everyone and simply address one thing at a time.  How can you let go today?

5 thoughts on “What Comes First?

  1. Such a needed piece. at 53, I have FINALLY learned to let folks rise/fall on their own. I am learning what to do with my own bricks. I find myself playing with them, considering. You inspire me. Challenge me. Make me THINK. Yikes. Loved this particular piece. Thanks for sharing. Being so open takes such bravery. Good on you.

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